Keep Treading Water

Problems with Religion

2011-12-07T11:13:00.001-08:00

Day 6 - Did you face any problems regarding religion?

What? Seriously? This is a question for the LGBT 30-day Challenge? OF COURSE I DID...I mean, do.

Every single day, I think about being gay and being Mormon, or Agnostic, or whatever it is that I am now. I'm not sure.

However, for the most part of my young life, when I finally found out and understood what being "gay" meant, I was tormented with the thought of losing the love from my parents, losing friends, and expecting the Church to excommunicate me at any moment...not because I was doing anything "contrary" to its teachings, but simply because I was so different.

Of course, it really didn't pan out like that, it was a little more "easier", I guess. As time goes on, and the older I get, I realize and understand that religion helps people deal with the hardships that life naturally brings us. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there so much sorrow in this world? What can bring me happiness? Religious people...even Agnostics...find some sense of comfort by adhering to certain morals created by Westernized cultures and societies.

Anyway, my point is...I've had problems with religion. Yes. But, the problems are slowly starting to fade away as I adopt a more...level-heading way of thinking and life.

Andy

How Being Gay Made me Fat

2011-11-28T12:18:00.001-08:00

Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

Although my inner turmoil did not escalate to self-injury...wait. No. It has. Do you know what it has done for me? It has made me become addicted to food. Let me see if I can explain myself better.

In the Church, we are taught that if we do what's right, become perfect, eventually, we will become like God and live forever in His presence throughout eternity with our families.

I've wanted that, and living in the church has made me never want to do anything "wrong" so I could live with my family.

I knew that if I turned to food, it would (1) help me feel better and (2) create a physical, protective layer of fat to keep me from having sex with a man.

So yes, this inner turmoil has led to self injury. I was addicted to food. I gained a lot of weight because of it. I turned to food to comfort me, and to protect me from sin.

I am trying to turn away from food as a source of comfort. I am trying to turn to friends, or exercise, or something else that isn't harmful to bring me comfort.

I could go on, for pages and pages, about the inner turmoil. However, I think this will suffice.

What has the inner turmoil done to you?

Who I Came out to First

2011-11-27T10:23:00.001-08:00

Day 4:

Who did you come out to first? Tell that story.

The first person I came out to was my cousin, Bryce. Every summer, my mom took my older sister and I up to Utah to spend the vacation with my aunt and our cousins. Bryce and I were basically brothers.

When I was about 16 years old, I remember chatting with him on MSN Messenger. After a few hours of beating around the bush, I told him that I was gay.

He responded, "So, what? You're still the same person you were. It doesn't bother me."

That simple response helped give me the courage to come out to my other cousins, my best friends, and then to my mom and dad when I was 17 years old.

When I Knew what "GAY" Meant

2011-11-26T07:30:00.001-08:00

Day 3: How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I knew I was different at around age 5. I didn't know, however, that those feelings were immoral or unnatural until I was about 12 years old. I was in the 6th Grade, and one of my good friends, Reed, was telling me a story of how he caught his older brother...ahem...you know...flogging aunt Molly...in his bedroom.

I remember having those twinging feelings of excitement again, and I asked my friend. "How big was he?"

Reed turned to me and said, "Gross. What do you think I am, gay?"

The other guys at the lunchroom table started laughing.

I played it off. "I was just kidding."

I knew then, that being "gay" or, being excited about other boys, was something to be laughed at. From then on, I kept my "gay" comments to myself.

How could I not have known?

2011-11-25T10:04:00.001-08:00

Day 2 of the LGBTQ Challenge:

Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

As many of you may already know, I knew as early as 5 years old. My parents had given me a Ken Barbie doll for Christmas. It was a harmless decision, but one that I treasured for years. At night, I would hide Ken underneath my pillow, and, after my mom--or dad--had tucked me in, I would take Ken out and slowly undress him, and kiss his body. Even at that young age, I knew that I was different. I didn't know that I was gay, but I knew that I liked to be around men.

That was my earliest "gay" memory.

Oh, and dancing around the porch in a dress, with the Ruby Slippers and Glinda's wand.

The LGBTQ Challenge

2011-11-24T18:47:00.001-08:00

Guys. I've got a big announcement to make.

I mean, it's huge. What is it? Ahh!

Should I tell you?

Okay. Okay. I'll let you know.

I'm GAY! Bet you never saw that one coming, did ya?

Yup. It's true. I'm gay. 100%, Kinsey 6 gay. Watch out, world. I'm pretty awesome, too. Gay + awesome = more awesomeness.

Wrong. Again.

2011-11-20T00:50:00.001-08:00

Man. I hate it when I'm wrong about a guy. Usually, I'm pretty dang good about calling out the gay ones here on campus.

You see, one of the actors in the play that I ran the lights for...well...I thought he was gay. I mean, he was super touchy-feel-y with me backstage and stuff, and I always wondered about him.

But, after strike tonight, we all go to IHOP...and he brings his girlfriend.

Oh, well. I didn't invest too much thinking on him. What's worse, though, is feeling like I've got my Gay Card revoked.

Stupid theatre guys. They're so confusing.

Everything...

2011-11-19T12:58:00.001-08:00

...is working out for my benefit. Life is good. Life is sweet. The perfect job and my life are coming together in harmony.

My talents and gifts are being crafted in such a way that I will be able to share them with the world.

Aren't affirmations awesome? I totally believe in living life to the fullest, and being an optimist. Sometimes, I can be a realist, but...for the most part...I like to believe that everything in life is awesome. Because it is.

Ginger men are sexy...

2011-11-15T17:35:00.001-08:00

That's right. I have a thing for gingers. I'm not sure what makes me so attracted to them. Is it because, as a young boy, I thought Ariel was the coolest thing ever? Do I even need an excuse? No. Because they are awesome.

The Motivation Wall

2011-11-13T19:57:00.001-08:00

Do you guys remember when I made a motivation wall about a year and a half ago? I do. And, as I recall, I got much success from it.

This is the wall from my old apartment.

Using this wall, I was able to lose over 34 lbs in about 5 months. Which, I think, was pretty awesome.

I've gained a lot of that weight back. Since I have been involved in "A Second Birth", "The School for Husbands", "The Women of Lockerbie", "The Merchant of Venice", "Haunting Julia", and "The Elephant Man" (all shows at BYU), I haven't had any time to go to the gym.

So, I made another Motivation Wall in my new apartment room.

I do believe that the second Motivation Wall is much better than the first. It seems more...classy for some reason.

Anyway, I'm just posting this here....just 'cause. Wish me luck, you guys...and ladies!

Love ya!

The One That Got Away

2011-11-13T14:40:00.001-08:00

There's always one person who gets away.

For me, it happened on my mission.

How different would my life be if I would have been honest with him? If I would have told him that I was gay? I got so close to being happy with another man while on my mission. I got so close to telling him.

Now, he's off living his dream. With another man.

Lesson learned? Speak up next time.

PopsiclestickSixgun

2011-11-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

Check out our YouTube Channel, here!

What is this? Well, it's a brand-new online comedy sketch group. Created by my friend Jona and I. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever.

What's it similar to? CollegeHumor

What do we want? To become YouTube famous.

Gays in the Church

2011-11-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

Today was the first time I've been to Church in about two months. I went because a member of the bishopric had to speak with me. I thought he was going to address my inactivity. I was wrong. He asked me if my calling was interfering with my schedule. I'm and FHE Group Leader. It's not. I mean, I had one rehearsal during FHE, once...anyway...that's not the point. That's just the reason why I went to Church today.

I just wonder why gay men--and women--go to Church. Again, I honestly don't know if I believe in what the Church teaches. If the Church believes that they seek after anything that is "lovely, praiseworthy, or of good report", then why can't they abide gay marriage? A church that bullies against gays is not a church I want to be a part of.

I have some gay friends who go to my ward. They go more often that I do. I just don't understand.

For you gay men and women out there who still attend the Mormon faith...why do you do it?

Growth, Non-Mormon Friends, and My Testimony

2011-11-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

This Fall Semester is almost over. It's quite amazing how faster time flies when you're having fun. In my case, rehearsing, rehearsing, rehearsing.

So far:

I'm running the lights for the upcoming production of "The Elephant Man".
I've been in two Mask Club performances here.
I've been cast in the 536 project, "The Women of Lockerbie"
Rehearsing and directing small scenes for TMA 336
I am rehearsing for the Young Company's version of "The Merchant of Venice", set to start touring and performing sometime in Winter Semester.

Yeah. I am pretty busy. But, it's helping me grow and learn and become a better person.

Next point of business: Non-Mormon friends. I really appreciate non-Mormon people and friends. They hold less grudges and are way less judging. For some reason, non-Mormons--who are still religious--are so much more like Christ than the Mormons I know within the Church. My non-Mormon friends want me to be happy. They want me to get a boyfriend. They want me to do what I feel is best for myself. Some of my Mormon friends do not feel that way. Some of my Mormon friends think that I am going to be sent to Hell for being gay. I hope they can change the way that they think, for I feel slightly ostracized from my Mormon friends who love be, but cannot fully accept me.

Lastly, my testimony. I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. I'm just learning to love myself and be happy with who I am. I am sure that God lives, and that Jesus Christ died for me, and through His grace I am saved, but...the whole...Mormon thing...is kinda...dwindling down right now. But...seriously? It's amazing how much of a burden has been lifted since I've stopped focusing so much time and energy on Church-y things.

A new school...

2011-10-23T22:40:00.001-07:00

I love this! I want to go to this school. I bet it beats BYU!

New BYU Counselor!

2011-10-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

After four weeks of waiting, my appeal went through--and was approved--and I am now meeting with a fantastic BYU counselor.

He is kind, generous, accepting, appreciative, and above all--wants me to be happy.

I had met previously with this same counselor about three years ago when I first started attending BYU. I am not sure why I stopped seeing him, but now, well...I am ecstatic, to say the least. I mean, he has listened to the Book of Mormon soundtrack (and loves it), and he said, "Why can't you be happy and be a gay Mormon? Can't God love you and your potential partner?"

Gosh...he is great. Yay!

A rant..about the church.

2011-10-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I feel about the Church anymore. Which is interesting seeing as I am writing this in the LDS.org journal and listening to hymns on iTunes. Do you know what *would* be funny? If the Church had a bunch of team members who were flagged each time there was something "inappropriate" in an entry? Like, saying that I am GAY? Well...if I get a call from the Honor Code Office or from my Bishop, I'll know that the Church is like Big Brother, reading everything I write, listening to everything that I do, scrutinizing every action, condemning me, hating me, expelling me, excommunicating me. The Church...is hateful. Stop. No. Let me re-phrase that. The Church doesn't understand what is going on with gay members. They don't know how God feels about it. They know, I think--for the most part--that gay members are good people; people who strive to do what is right, be kind to others, provide opportunities for service and outreach. In fact, I'd venture to say that some gay members--if not most, are better people that straight members!

If God really speaks to the apostles and the prophets, then why the HECK is He silent now? Especially about this topic. The Church...seeing as God is not speaking to them...is facing a frustrating dilemma. Membership is on the decline, missionaries are on the decline, more and more of the younger generation is falling away. Why? Because God doesn't speak to the church anymore. They are too afraid to change the way certain things are handled. They are too scared to change. Well, my friends, CHANGE is the only way something can survive. It's not the survival of the fittest that guarantees survival; it's who is most adaptive to change.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will *FALL* if they are not willing to change their stance on many issues. Namely. at least., gay marriage and gays in the church.

I mean...seriously. If the Church would just allow active gay men and women to stay members of the Church, then...there would hardly be any more issues or problems. They would gain so much respect in the world and in the political arena--even though they pretend to not care; they do.

But...it won't happen for another 10 years. The old geezers just gotta kick the bucket and then our generation will take over. Unless God decides to open His mouth. He's just...so...quiet.

And it's driving me crazy.

(Copied from my online church journal)

People say...

2011-10-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

"You'll get a partner, Andy. You just have to stop looking for love--then, it will find you."

"You're not fat...you're just big boned."

"Some guys like fat guys."

I know I'm fat. And..I also know that guys will never date me until I'm skinny.

Scheiße.

Absolutely Andy

2011-10-06T11:30:00.001-07:00

Follow me on Tumblr.

Coming out on Facebook...

2011-10-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

So...October 11th is National Coming Out Day.

Most people who know me know that I am gay, but...I still feel like it has to be officially done on Facebook.

Thoughts?

Blacks, Gays, and the Future of the Church

2011-09-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Apostle Mark E. Petersen gave a talk to religion professors at Brigham Young University in 1954, right after the Brown vs. Board of Education which desegregated public schools. He said, "What is our policy in regard to inter-marriage? As to the Negro, of course, there is only one possible answer. We must not inter-marry with the Negro. Why? If I were to marry a Negro woman and have children by her, my children would all be cursed as to the priesthood. Do I want my children cursed as to the priesthood? If there is one drop of Negro blood in my children, as I have read to you, they receive the curse. There isn’t any argument, therefore, as to the inter-marriage with the Negro, is there? That is [their] objective and we must face it….Remember the little statement that they used to say about sin, “First we pity, then endure, then embrace.”"

Read his full talk here.

The idea comes from an idea that Brigham Young espoused that to marry a Negro is "penalty under law" and "death on the spot", which is referring to a drastic measure called the Blood Atonement (which has been removed from LDS theology long ago). Simply put, Brigham Young and leaders of the LDS church until the "revelation" in 1978, believed that it was a curse that white members of the Church to marry black members. If this happened, the man would be immediately revoked of his priesthood and have no place with God in the Celestial Kingdom and is "death to us all" (Brigham Young, December 1847, meeting at Winter Quarters).

As of today, Church leadership and members accept, love, and strive to show the world that we (the Church) believe that all are children of God. This can be seen in Church videos, Mormon Messages, and other ad campaigns. We hardly ever see white Americans anymore--which is such a blessing. We see Asians, Africans, Russians, etc. Truly, the Mormon Church is a world-wide church--with its members growing at an unprecedented rate. That is such a cry away from the harsh words of Bruce R. McConkie as found in the book, "Mormon Doctrine". He says, "The whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry" (p. 114). His book is still being sold today.

Currently, the authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have a similar standpoint against same-sex marriage. They believe that it will lead to the destruction of humanity, society, and the American nation. These same ideas we held against black people in the early and modern times of the Church. They believed that the world would collapse and humanity be damned for all eternity if blacks were allowed the priesthood, and be able to be married civilly and in the temples.

Well, it's been 33 years since the 1978 revelation. Has the world fallen? Is society damned? Is God cursing the Church simply by being more loving? No. Because God loves all of His children, no matter what race, gender, sexuality, etc.

What will it take for the Church to accept same-gender marriage? Or, at least, accept and give full rights to their gay brothers and sisters? Too many gay men and women leave the Church, kill themselves, or hurt others because of their dis-fellowship and hatred by church members and leaders.

To me, the full acceptance of blacks into the Church is simply a "type and shadow" for things to come. Perhaps it was a training ground; a chance to learn and not repeat the same mistakes again.

No one knows what will happen for the future of the Church. It's true; this may never be accepted into the ideologies of the Church. But, on the flipside, you cannot say that it will never be accepted. To say so is to deny the power and mind of God.

For the time being, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should help, support, love, cherish, and enjoy the company of their gay brothers and sisters. Although the "Church" has a favorable view towards gays, some of its members and authorities do not. Things must change. If we, as a Church, and as a body of Christ hope to become more like Him who was perfect, we must learn to adapt; learn to change.

Darwin said, "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change."

If the Church wants to continue proclaiming the message of the Restored Gospel around the world, then they must change. If not, the Church will become a dwindling religion with no place in modern society.

Author's Note:

Wow. That sounds super preachy and anti-Mormon. I am not anti-Mormon. I love and cherish the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is part of who I am and I cannot deny that. However, as a gay member of the Church, I simply see a strong correlation between to the two ideas. In the past, the Church was bigoted towards blacks. Now, the Church loves them. I just see the same thing happening now with gays.

What my mother said...

2011-09-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Andy, you have to realize that I will love you and accept you no matter what, right? But you also have to realize that, if you were to bring your partner home for Christmas, that you would not be allowed to sleep in the same bedroom. You can guarantee that I'd tell your brothers that he was just a friend. And you can also rest assured that I will never allow my grandchildren to fully condone your lifestyle. That's just my belief. You'll have to live with that."

That was something my mother told me during one of our 2-hour long conversations. In the conversation, I told her that I would most likely end up leaving the church. There is no room for gay people--especially those who are "living the lifestyle".

She told me this after I told her what I yearned for, what I needed, and what I wished for in my life.

I told her:

The church--and the gospel--will never give me 100% satisfaction and life fulfillment. It's just impossible.

I want to wake up next to a man who loves me and cares for me.

I want to make him breakfast.

I want to be held, to be loved, to be cherished.

I want a satisfying sex life.

Trying to be gay, while serving "worthily" in the Church is almost a death sentence. You can never feel truly appreciated, cared for, touched, or held, by the people you are attracted to.

I don't know if my mother will ever be okay with me being gay.

I just wonder what my dad thinks about all this...

Saudades

2011-09-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

I miss your smile. I miss your hair. I miss your sense of humor. I miss holding hands.

I miss studying together. I miss staying up past "missionary" curfew talking.

I miss making food for you. I miss your laugh.

I miss...just being with you.

Now you're married, with a kid on the way.

I wonder what would have happened if life was kinder to us.

Thinking about it makes me miss you more.

Brokeback Mountain

2011-09-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

In foreign countries, movies released in the US are released months later. One of the last movie trailers I had seen was a preview for "Brokeback Mountain". I was enthralled that Hollywood was tackling such a poignant issue for so many Americans--with a studly pair of young American actors.

When I was serving my mission in Portugal, the movie was released about February of 2006. Everywhere I would go, I would see posters of Jake Gylennhal and Heath Ledger and I yearned to see the movie.

On the plane ride home from Portugal to the states, the first movie I saw on the portable players the attendants handed out was "Brokeback Mountain". Well, I tried to watch it anyway. Here was a recent LDS missionary--still wearing his suit, tie, and name badge, watching one of the most controversial films of the year.

I was shameful to watch it. I was scared to watch it. I really only watched about 15 minutes of it.

Since that day, on the plane ride home, I have not had the--courage?--to watch it. Every time I wanted to rent it, or watch it online, I would stop at about the same place I did on the plane ride home. But, now. Well, everything is different.

Watching the film now is almost cathartic. It just proves to me how much I've grown in my confidence in being gay. I am no longer afraid to watch it. And I don't feel shameful.

That's it. Nothing more. Well, it means a lot to me actually.

Possessed by FEMALE DEMONS

2011-09-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

That's right. You read that correctly.

The bulk of the scanned pages were directed to stories about men or women who were not sexually satisfied in their current married lives. One of the men told Melvin Fish that he was experiencing homosexual feelings. "Dr." Fish asked his inner psyche if there were spirits present in his body. The man replied that there were. Fish asked, "Are the spirits female?" The man replied, "Yes."

Apparently, the gay man had 5 evil female spirits within him. Logically, that makes sense, right? Of course he wanted to have an intimate relationship with another man because...well...those nasty evil spirits wanted to finally know what it would be like to be penetrated by a man. Too far? Oh, well.

Here is a little snippet from the pages she scanned to me.

Yup. I'm possessed. By female demons that are just too horny to control.

Who are you possessed with?

Apparently, I'm "possessed".

2011-09-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

It had to happen one day, right?

I've seen on some of your Facebook statuses--or, is it statusi?--when people have outrightly told you that you, or your partner, are going to Hell. Or, that God Hates Fags. Or, that you've been possessed by female demons, which, as we all know, make you all hot and horny for some man tail. Well, that's what someone just told me.

Now, to protect her identity, I'll change her name. I'll call her Dawn. She's one of my "other mom's" from high school. I remember going over to her home to hang out with my friend Cathy. Cathy and her mom are nice and extremely spiritual people, but I thought they followed too strictly Mormon and Christian ideologies. They were also avid vegans.

The other day, I received a surprise text from Dawn.

DAWN: Andy, this is Cathy's Mom, Dawn. I just heard about a book that I felt I should tell you about. I felt very strongly that I should share this with you and hope that it will be taken in the spirit that it is given. The name of it is "Healing the Inner Self" by Melvin Fish.

ANDY: Hey! Thanks for the book recommendation! I will definitely have to check it out! For simple curiosity's sake, what prompted you to think of me, haha :) ?

DAWN: Must have been divine intervention! lol

ANDY: Haha great! What better answer than that? :)

DAWN: You have so much to offer and can really be an influence for good, Andy! We really have to help on another these days. You have a good and curious mind and seem to be willing to seek out the truth. That is why I am really excited for you to read that book and then call me to let me know what you think about it.

Dawn then informed me that she could email me some scanned pages of the book if I was unable to purchase it. I told her that would be great.

Then, then...she proceeded to email me the scanned pages and a written letter.

If you can't read it, it says:

Hey Andy.

Sorry it took me so long to get this to you. Please accept it with the spirit and love it is being sent with. I saw your website and thought of you when this came my way. Satan really has a way of causing confusion and making truth look like lies and lies look like truth. We have to help each other out in this life anyway we can. So, let me know what you think of this and if you want more info on this book. I'll get it to you.

I hope all going well for you. Miss your sweet spirit coming around the house with your good laugh winning smile, and fun self.

Let me know if you just need to talk, you know I will be honest with you.

Your friend,

Dawn.

When I scrolled down to see the rest of the attachment, my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe what I was reading. This had to be a joke. Right?

Counseling at BYU

2011-09-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

School has started again and is in full swing. This means more time is dedicated to rehearsals, homework, and other projects. Along with the new semester, I've also started seeing a counselor on campus. I'm seeing her to help with body image issues and possibly an eating disorder.

You see, in my mind, my overeating is directly tied to being a gay member of Christ's church. I have, ingrained in my mind, that if I get a boyfriend--or life partner--that I will be sent to Hell, and never see the face of God or Christ. Ever. Now, I know that I am silly for thinking that. But it's the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that has ingrained this thinking into me. I'm trying to learn how to overcome this idea. But, my counselor is making it harder.

My counselor is a graduate student at BYU. She has never had a "case" as interesting as mine--I should know, I asked her--and she told me point blank that she can't "in good faith, affirm [my] decision to leave the Church or get a boyfriend while attending BYU".

Of course, I see her logic. At the same time, I'm like..."What? Why am I wasting my time with you? Most counselors in the real world try to help you life your life, the way you want to...not follow the same mantra over and over again."

I'm not sure if I am going to meet with her again. I know she can't tell the Honor Code Office--that would be illegal. I guess...I just want to be affirmed at BYU. But, that will never happen.

I've thought about going to the USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meetings they have on campus.

Maybe I'll give those a shot.

What are they doing?!

2011-08-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of gay people in the LDS community, as many of you do. They are upstanding men. Some are trying to balance a life of homosexuality while still serving in the Church. Others are struggling to deny themselves of their homosexual feelings and staying in the Church. A handful are simply leaving. And then, then--there are those gay men in the LDS community who are getting married.

Now, don't get me wrong. Marriage is wonderful. However, when I see these young men who I know what they've done, what guys they've dated, and what lives they have pretended to lead, and I see them getting married and trying to fit the perfect LDS "mold", I am afraid for them.

I am afraid for them because I know that, most likely, their marriage will fail. Out of all the mixed-orientation-marriages that I have seen, 99% of them have failed. Both partners know of the same-sex attraction, and both think, that through the power of Christ and the gospel, that by being married...somehow...it will all go away...or, that by doing what's right, they will be the exception and they will be able to stay together.

Forgive me for being a pessimist, but...I don't think that's how it works.

Is there any hope for these gay LDS men and women who are getting married to a straight spouse?

I know some of you are doing it right now--quite successfully. What makes your marriage work?

Some of you have done it and failed. Why?

College Life-Part Two-"A Broken Gaydar"

2011-08-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

There's a common misconception in the theatre world. Many people think that every guy who takes a theatre class, or acting class, or studies theatre, is gay. Well, that's just not the case--as you will see in the following post.

We were just asked to choose a scene partner for an improve activity in my acting class. It being nearly two weeks into the new semester, I had just about knew who I wanted to work with. And he was walking around looking for a partner.

I extended my arm, spread my fingers and said, "Who wants to be my partner?"

He walked up to me, interlocked his fingers with mine and said, "I'll be your partner."

I nearly choked with excitement. You see, I had thought that this boy was gay. Why? Well, he was good-looking, in theatre, and was single. Naturally, naturally, I thought he played for my team.

We set a time to work with each other. We would meet at his apartment that same night to work on our scene.

On my way there, I was nervous, scared, excited, doubtful, and shameful. I mean, what if he wasn't gay? I would look like a fool.

And...I did. To myself, anyway.

I remember how he brought up his girlfriend from high school, and how he talked about the cuter girls in our acting class.

I could only sit there and smile, thinking to myself, "You've gots a crappy gaydar, my friend. You need to learn how to hone that skill."

So I did. I vowed to never have a broken gaydar again. Since that time, it has never failed. Ever. Except for that one time...but that's another story.

~End Part Two

College Life-Part One-"It all Began in the HFAC"

2011-08-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

After my mission was over, I headed back home to Arizona for one week before leaving my family again to start my adult life at BYU.

I didn't know what to expect. I had only been on BYU's campus twice before--both times for a show choir youth camp. Back then, I stayed pretty much in the confines of the Knight Magnum Building (which has since been replaced by a grassy knoll and parking lot) and Heritage Halls.

When I stepped onto campus as a 21 year old recently returned missionary, I was nervous. This was my time to shine; my time to become the person who I wanted to become; my new life.

My first class was a Book of Mormon class for recently returned missionaries. On my way to find the JSB, I got lost--multiple times--and then had to resign asking someone how to get there...which for some reason was embarrassing. I was feeling out-of-place, and out-of-whack.

It wasn't until I stepped into the HFAC that I felt like I was home. All around me, there were students laughing, singing, playing instruments, etc. Abstract artwork was displayed in the lobby. People were gathering around the slabs at the north and south ends of the building.

I was running a little late for my beginning acting class, and I headed downstairs into one of the basement rooms.

Little did I know, my life would be changed forever by the people I met in that room...probably because I basically proposed to one of them.

-End Part One

Butter's Speech

2011-08-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

I love Southpark.

Cartman Sucks
Tags: SOUTH
PARK more...

Could I do it, too?

2011-08-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

David Baker recently blogged about an experience he had when giving a talk in his new ward. 99.9% of his talk doesn't mention his sexuality. However, one sentence does. He said,

An old roommate of mine had this list of characteristics and qualities he wanted in a wife that he would take out and compared all the girls he dated to. He shared that list with me once and he was seeking “a woman who is temple-worthy, maternal, humorous, adventurous, empathetic, hopeful, attractive, healthy, and friendly”. Despite the absurdity of such a list it worked and his wife is awesome. His success inspired me to create my own list of what qualities I wanted in my husband.

Yes, he said that he wanted to create a list of qualities for his husband. Using the link above, you can go to his blog and hear the reaction from the congregation. For most of the young single adults, they thought he was joking. Of course, he wasn't.

Which makes me beg the question, "Could I do it, too?" Meaning, could I stand in front of my singles ward and say, "Hey, my boyfriend and I were driving and we had this great spiritual experience..." or "If I ever find my husband...". You know...things like that. I don't know if I have the courage to be so...out.

For some reason, his courage and his determination to live in the LDS world and be openly gay depresses me. I don't have his courage and I don't have his determination. Does that mean I am less than him? I don't think so. But...it's true...I am more afraid than he is.

I live in the freakin' Mecca of Mormons. Provo, UT. Yup. I'm pretty sure if I were to say something like that, I would be whisked off to the Honor Code Office--without knowing what would happen.

What about you? Are you comfortable enough with telling your ward about your sexuality?

5 Celebrities Who I'd Get "Hanky-Panky" With

2011-08-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

(1) Anne Hathaway

Yup. She's got a kind of classic style, which is a big turn on. Well, maybe the hanky-panky would only be clothes and make-overs with her...perhaps we could throw in a little cuddling.

(2) Ryan Reynolds

Well, I mean...they say a pictures worth a thousand words. This one's worth 3 bajillion.

(3) Emma Stone

She was amazing in "Easy A". She was hilarious in "House Bunny". And I've heard she is outstanding in "The Help." Her wit, charm, and hotness have won her a chance with Andy...well...if Hell were to freeze over anyway.

(4) Will Arnett

If his character on "Arrested Development" is anything like himself in real life, then sign me up for a date! He seems super awesome, funny, charismatic, and nice.

(5) Anderson Cooper

I mean, I've always found him kinda attractive. However, it wasn't after this clip that I really learned to swoon for Cooper. You'll see.

Am I the ONLY one?

2011-08-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

You know what?

I'm starting to think that I am the only guy from my mission who I knew that is gay. I'm being completely serious. Everyone who I have served with is either dating a girl, engaged, or married.

And that's all I wanted to say.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

2011-08-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

If you struggle with your weight--as most Americans do--you may want to sit down and watch the documentary film, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".

It's a film about an Australian man with a rare skin condition which was completely cured by his determination to eat right, exercise, and lose weight as he traveled the United States.

How did he do it? Juice fasting. Every meal. For 60 days.

Now, it may seem a little extreme, but he was able to get all the nutrients he needed from the juice drinks he made. He would make the drink from apples, kale, spinach, tomatoes, onions, etc. All the vitamins, nutrients, protein, and fiber he needed to survive came from the juice.

Joe lost 67 lbs in 60 days. He found an extremely overweight man on his weight-loss journey who weighed over 415 lbs. His name was Phil.

Phil began a juice diet...and a short 3 months later, lost over 201 lbs.

Why am I talking about this? Well, because I want to do it.

Does anyone out there have any experience with juicing? If so, what combinations of fruits/vegetables do you think are the best palpable and healthy? What do you recommend I use to juice?

I am too afraid to be with him; so here we are...

2011-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

The below text comes from a website called, Woolf and Wilde. I love this story. It's heartbreaking, touching, and tragic. I hope you'll enjoy it.

There was only ever one reason I agreed to go out with Lillian, which was so that I could go out with Christopher. On double dates, you see. A cruel thing to do to her, yes, but Chris stopped “us”– him and I being together, I mean. I couldn’t bear it. I can’t bear it. He’s my life. I have to have him near.

After his mother and father saw us asleep on his bed the morning they came home early from vacation, things have never been the same. Neither of us heard his parents coming in. When they opened his door, we were wearing nothing but an air of perfect contentment, no bed sheets covering us or anything because it had been very warm that August night. Wrapped in each other’s arms, our four hairy legs intertwined like some kind of slip-knot, we were found out. Chris unravelled. It undid him.

His father told him he’d never have a career, and his mother cried for two days. Christopher said we’d drunk too much and it wasn’t what it looked like. They believed him, because they needed to.

He won’t be alone with me ever since then. It all just stopped. His passion and affection toward me — the intimacy we’ve had and hidden by necessity for 17 months — have been smothered by convention. Now he and Betty Ash are an item, and I’m his past.

I’d do anything just to be in his presence, still, ergo the charade of dating Lillian. If I believed in God, I’d ask him to forgive me for this. For now, I am playing along. I swallow the sight of Chris holding Betty when they dance; a little piece of me dies, accompanied by an orchestra. But at least this way, being on a silly double date with a sweet girl who’s like a sister to me, I can still touch his skin, even if it means reaching across the table for my glass and brushing his hand as if by accident.

Just that little bit of electricity is what keeps me going, really.

Christopher is too afraid to be with me, I am too afraid to be without him, and so here we are.

Text: Kenneth Hill
Image: Unknown

Pandora's Box of Church History

2011-08-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't been doing that great with the other 6 months of this experiment. I mean, yes...I've been going to church--all three hours, and I've been trying to be a better person...but...gosh dangit! My D&C class from this last semester has opened a Pandora's box of unanswered questions.

The box has opened all the crazy, black bits of the Mormon church...and honestly? My testimony is seriously waning because of it. Without going too deep, just the simple fact that Cowdery used folk magic, 14 different versions of the First Vision, and other issues have almost completely eradicated my testimony. And, most of this, I learned in a BYU religion class.

Now, I believe in God and I believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. However, my views of God are changing. I don't see him as a vengeful God who broke my wrist or made me lose my job because I asked for more "faith and patience". I see God more as a positive force in the world and universe that helps direct people to do good.

That all being said--I have not completely lost my testimony. There is still a part of me that is telling me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church. But, is this simply an idea that has been plowed into my head since I was a child? I mean, what if the Church isn't true? My religious life is over.

I do not want to open a Pandora's box of comments, but I am wondering:

If the Church isn't true, how can I cope with losing such a major part of my life?
If the Church is true, how can I gain back such a major part of my life?

My New Nephew!

2011-08-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I'm on my way home to visit! I can't wait to see my new nephew, Max!

Images courtesy of Pretty Pixel Photography.

A Call for Testimonies

2011-08-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

What is a testimony? Is it a reassurance that we're not the only people in the universe? Is it a knowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church on this earth? Is it a simple truth-phrase that God exists and that His son died to save all mankind?

I've been questioning my testimony lately. I question the reality of the First Vision, the history of the church, and subsequent revelations. Some people may think that I am losing my grip on the gospel reality and on my testimony.

But then I asked myself, "What is a testimony? What is my testimony?"

Of all the times that I have felt the Spirit witness truth to me, it was about the love that God had for me and His other children. I have felt the Spirit when watching films or theatre pieces. I've felt my testimony strengthened when others bare the standard that God lives and loves every one of His children. I've felt my testimony grow and wax strong when reading about the life of Jesus and His ministry in the New Testament, and yes, even the Book of Mormon.

Thinking through my testimony, I've never had a moment when the Spirit told me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church. We're taught, in the Church, to say to ourselves, "Well, the Church must be true if I'm having these feelings..." But, what if we're having those feelings because the spirit of God is simply telling us that we're His children, that we're all here for a reason, and that He will always love us?

Which is way I ask for your testimony.

Do you believe in God? What do you believe? What makes you believe and behave the way you do?

This is a call for truth. A call for testimonies.

Learning to be Happy

2011-08-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to change. I'm learning to leave parts of my past behind me, and look forward with faith that my life will be one filled with hope, love, fulfillment, and passion.

There are parts of my spiritual make-up and ideas that are causing a change of heart. I've been noticing that there are aspects of the religion that I have adhered to for many years that don't make sense to me anymore. There are historical aspects of the religion that I love that are purposefully hidden and not talked about for fear of losing church members.

I am learning to appreciate the life that I have been given and the opportunity to help others be better people. I am learning to rely on myself and rely on the power of life that the universe, earth, and God have given me.

Things are good.

Weight is being lifted from my shoulders. The weight is feeling guilty for being gay. It's slowly going away. I'm going to live my life.

And guess what?

I'm gonna be happy.

The White Horse Prophecy

2011-08-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

In early Mormon church history, Joseph Smith gave the infamous "White Horse Prophecy". This prophecy simply concludes that the U.S. Constitution would "hang by a thread". Many Mormons and conservatives who oppose same-sex marriage allude that the US will fall, and that the Constitution will "hang by a thread" if gays are allowed to marry.

For those history buffs, two Mormons, Edwin Rushton and Theodore Turley, said they personally heard Joseph Smith give this prediction at Smith’s home on or about May 6, 1843. Smith allegedly gave numerous predictions in this prophecy, but the portion that is most repeated speaks of a day when the Constitution of the United States will “hang by a thread.” It will be “preserved and saved” by a White Horse, A.K.A. the Mormon Church.

I have heard many people in church settings refer to this prophecy. But, is it true?

No way. Not even close.

Here is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has to say about this legend in Mormon culture:

"The so-called 'White Horse Prophecy' is based on accounts that have not been substantiated by historical research and is not embraced as Church doctrine."

Source

Interesting...seems as if the doomsday prophecies that gays will ruin the world that are held by so many members of the faith seem to be crumbling down by the same church that historically espoused them.

Thoughts?

Grabbing life by the balls...

2011-08-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's because the summer term is coming to an end, or because I recently learned that "Old Hag's Syndrome" is just a form of sleep paralysis and it has nothing to do with the devil, but I am grabbing life by the balls!

I have felt as if there has been such a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if my belief system is slowly starting to mold into something that brings me joy, peace, and love--rather than having a belief system that brought me doubt, frustration, and fear.

Of course, I've had these feelings before, and then--like before--I always revert back to my old ways of thinking or doing things and I'll say something like, "I'm never going off the path again!" And then, two weeks later, I'll say something like, "I'm never gonna go back on that stupid path!" Well...let's just hope that I don't find myself sucked into another vicious cycle.

I've been working out consistently by doing P90X with my roommates. I haven't lost any weight yet, but that's probably most likely do to the fact that I've been eating crappily.

Now, since I've gots no monies, you can be rest assured that Andy...will start losing the weight.

Maybe...just maybe...I'll go back to looking like this:

Or maybe this:

Love ya'll!

The Younger Years: Part One "Ken"

2011-08-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

It was one of the most magical Christmas memories that I can remember. My dad had just finished college with a degree in International Business from Southern Utah University and we had all moved to Jacksonville, FL. My father had lined up a job at a Cargill Processing Plant...cleaning chickens. Yup. The family was living the high life. Times were hard, but we were a small, happy family.

It was Christmastime, and I was as excited as any 5-year old boy could be. I didn't know what I was going to get, but I knew that whatever it was, I would enjoy it!

It was the year of "Beauty and the Beast" and it was mine and my older sisters favorite movie. I still remember seeing the beautiful stained glass style opening and shivering at the powerful music.

I'm not sure if I asked for this present, but...I got it.

Bright and early that Christmas morning, my sister and I headed downstairs in our small, two-level condo into the living room. Our parents had surprised us with replacing our small, 2-foot plastic Christmas tree with an 8-foot, gigantic tree they purchased at 99% off at the local grocery store at 12:01 am Dec 26th.

Our eyes popped. We hadn't seen such a display of Christmas magic before! We knew that Santa Claus had to be real. We ran down to the tree, and, before we knew it, we had both ripped open our first present.

I must have gasped. It was the Beast! And, it was the Prince!

I don't know what overcame me, but it was probably my gayness. I would, every night since I got that Barbie doll, I would hide him under my pillow. Then, after my parents put me to bed, I would take him out. At first, it started as a simple excuse to play with the doll, but then...something stirred inside of me.

I would take Ken, and kiss him. I would slowly undress him, and I would be amazed at how my body responded.

Again, I was 5 years old.

This happened...oh, every night until my parents found the doll. I don't know what happened next. I don't know if they threw the doll away, or if they got mad at me. I don't know if they talked to me about it, or if then, they started to wonder if I was gay.

For me? I had no idea what being gay meant. All I know is that beginning at age 5, I knew something was different about me.

I just didn't know how different...but...I knew that I wished my doll...was a "real" Ken.

New Design and New Series

2011-07-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

Hey guys and gals,

Every now and then, I change my blog style. Well, sometimes, it feels like more than every now and then.

But, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm going to post a new series--which I hope you'll all enjoy--and I'm just going to try and post more often.

Things have been going great for me, even though I've been spending all my time going to school and working. I've been learning more about myself and the world I belong to. I've been finding out knew things about religion and what brings me true happiness. I've learned to accept who I am and what I want in life. I've learned--and I hope to remember--that God is my Father and He will always love me...even if the people who I love the most don't.

Things are good. I hope they get better. Starting tomorrow, there'll be a new blog series starting! Wahoo!

Andy

Rant. Rant. Rant.

2011-07-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I hate posting how I really feel on the blog because I know when I read other people's rants and stuff...I am like, "Really? Not again. Life isn't that bad."

But today...today has been a hard day.

My new roommate is a very sports-oriented person. He likes to take risks and he doesn't plan or organize for things.

I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I love creating, and being in the arts. I don't like to take risks--I like stability. I make sure my day is planned and everything is organized.

I am fat fuck. I can't even do half the P90X exercises, so I feel like I am wasting my time.

I feel like God is dead...

I want to stop living my life according to someone else's code.

I want a boyfriend who understands me...but after living with this new roommate, I don't know if I will ever find someone who really gets me.

When I get down like this, I want to eat everything in sight. Hmmm...probably why I am fat fuck.

The End.

Dare to Shine

2011-07-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

I found the following quote online today at Davey Wavey's Fitness website, and I thought it particularly poignant to gays in the church, straights in the church, basically, everyone.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~Marianne Williamson

How to Talk to Boys

2011-07-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Every time I see a cute boy, I want to talk to him. Now, if this boy proceeds to start a conversation, I will gladly follow suit.

However, when the conversation starts, I get nervous. I start to sweat, and I don't look them in the eye. I am so enamored by the experience, that I screw it all up by tearing it down with my "nonchalant and not-caring" look.

I don't know why I am nervous, or scared...maybe I'm not scared...just...unpracticed?

Hmmmm...thoughts?

Never Forgotten

2011-07-19T07:24:00.001-07:00

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is a common idea that after Christs ascension to Heaven--and the subsequent death or expulsion of the original twelve apostles, that the true gospel of Christ was "taken" from the Earth.

However, I do not believe that to be the case. If there was no gospel of Christ, there would be no opportunity for growth or be a reason for the Spirit to "strive with man". That being said, during the Dark Ages, there were many men and women who, I believe, we inspired by God to create new things and bring about new ideas, aka the printing press, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.

In addition, since Christ appeared into the Old World, we have countless numbers of images, stories, and memories of Christ and His ministry. He made a powerful effect--so much so, that during the "Dark Ages" Christ still permeated the social norms of that time.

Why then, do we not see that same permeation of Christ in the Americas and their "dark ages"? I may not understand their hieroglyphs or concepts, but, if He did effect their lives as much as the Book of Mormon states--about 400 years--I think it would be safe to assume that His images, likeness, or types and shadows, would be everywhere in that culture...

I'm not trying to debunk the Book of Mormon...it's just one of those questions that I have.

Any thoughts?

A Dream...

2011-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was in the basement of best high school friends home. I knew something important was going to happen because the people around me were excited, and appeared as if they knew something that I didn't.

A kind person--not sure who it was--draped their arm over my shoulder and led me up the stairs to the front door.

As the front door open, a wave of extremely bright light flooded the hallway. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw my family. My mother, my father, my younger brothers, my younger sister an

d my older sister. We hugged and we rejoiced.

My mother came up to me, and with tears in her eyes she said, "Andy! They've done it. They've done it!"

I didn't know what was going on.

"Whose done what?"

"The church!" She exclaimed. "The church has allowed gay marriage! We can be an eternal family!"

I began to cry, and she cried. I hugged my father and he cried. My family all got into a circle, and we laughed, and cried, and cried, and cried until...

...I woke up.

One Cannot Live Without the Other

2011-07-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

Although it sounds like a line from Harry Potter (take a break to pee from excitement), it's not.

I am, of course, referring to trying to define myself as a Mormon and as a gay man. I do not think that they are possible.

A few weeks ago, I said I was starting a new sixth month experiment. Maybe it's because I haven't been reading my scriptures with the same effort as before, or maybe because I have accidentally--which is true--missed the last Sunday church meetings. Or, perhaps it's because I haven't been to the temple in three weeks.

Whatever the reason, I feel, again...so lost and so conflicted.

I want to be able to be happy, with whatever choice that I make.

If I stay in the church, I will always be attracted to men, yearning for their touch, a kiss, a hug, an intimate relationship, true happiness with other human.

If I leave the church, I will always be filled with regret; wondering if I am creating my own personal Hell by knowing I have not fulfilled what God wants me to by having a family and progressing.

If I am single, I will have to live with myself, alone. Now, I've been able to do that up to this point and it's been alright. But, I yearn, I ache to be held, to be loved by a man.

Again, my friends, I am back to where I have been for the last few years of my life. Stuck without any real, concrete decision. I'm not sure why I posted these ideas, I just...need someone to talk to; people who understand.

Andy

The End and the Beginning

2011-06-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you understood what I meant by the "It's My Turn" blog post 6 months ago. Although I didn't post it, I decided to do what I wanted to do rather than what people told me to do. I was going to live my life the way I wanted to for 6 months. Then, for the remainder of the year, I was going to live my life the way God wanted me to.

It has been currently 6 months since trying this experiment.

During these past six months I:

Did not pay tithing
Did not attend Church
Did not read my scriptures
Did not go to the temple
Did not participate in any service project
Did not avoid pornography or masturbation
Did not magnify my church callings
Did not work on expounding my talents
Was not the best example to others

What are the results? Honestly, stagnation. I have learned that the failure to do the things that God requires of me to do, has stopped me from attaining my true potential. I have noticed that I have not grown as a person, nor have I seen any real blessings from the Lord.

That's not to say that people who do not go to Church or do the things listed above are horrible people. They are good people trying to do what they believe is right, and I applaud them. However, for me, I have not seen any progression toward anything. These past six months, I have, honestly, just....coasted along.

Looking through my past journal entries and blog posts...I haven't come to any conclusions or any life altering decisions. I can honestly feel and see that nothing has changed for the better. I want to be better. I want to do good. I want to feel like I belong to something...and...for the past 6 months, I have felt more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.

So, without further ado, here is my plan for the next 6 months:

Pay my tithing
Attend all Church meetings
Read and study my scriptures
Go to the temple weekly
Participate in any service project
Avoid pornography and masturbation
Magnify my church callings
Expound and practice my talents
Be an example to all which includes dropping all walls and "coming out" on Facebook

There you have it. The Beginning of the New 6 Month Experiment.

Come November 6th 2011, we shall see what changes have occurred or haven't occurred.

Wish me luck!

"If there's anyone who can do it...

2011-05-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

...it's me."

I looked at my Elders Quorum President and smiled. Jordan* was sitting in my kitchen, talking with me about my--hmmmm, less than frequent attendance at Church.

Now, Jordan's father is gay. Jordan grew up--as did his brothers and sisters--thinking that they had a good life and were living in a good, Mormon family. One day, their lives were shattered when their mother handed them a packet of Church talks about staying true to the faith, the love of Christ and their father...well...he handed them a book about ex-Mormons and ex-Christians who found happiness in the world.

"I really like that," he responded. "That's a very powerful statement. You're so diligent in your callings and staying true to what you believe. If there is anyone who can do it, it is you, Andy."

"I know," I said, matter-of-factly. "It's just hard. I feel so alone, all the time. I know I'm not the only guy in the ward who experiences same-gender attraction, but...it sure feels like it."

"Well," he said. "You're not alone. There are others."

"I wish you could tell me. Not for...bad reasons, of course. Just so...that I have a friend to talk to."

I then went on a tangent.

"I mean, come on. How many guys and girls do you see who are Christian or Mormon who stay in their faiths if they are gay or experience same-gender attraction? Not many. I would venture to say that out of 100%, 99% leave and 1% stay in the Church. That's not very comforting."

"But," Jordan said, looking me in the eyes, "you are part of that 1%. Even though its a small number...it's still relevant. You are such an example of stalwart faith and courage...it's mind-boggling to me. There needs to be more people like you in the Church. It's sad that there isn't."

The conversation went on for another 10 more minutes, but those were the parts I remember the most.

Which brings me to this:

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I know that no matter what trials, issues, challenges, sicknesses, money problems, etc that we may face in this life are put there for a reason. We are here to gain knowledge and understanding. We are here to be an example to those who do not know Christ or who may be far away from Him. We are here to love others and to be loved. We are here to express our love for Christ, God, and the Holy Ghost. We are to serve others. We are to be the people that our Heavenly Father wants us to be: faithful, diligent, and true to the end.

So, out of anyone, people who are gay, experience same-gender attraction, are alcoholics, drug addicts, overcome depression, or suffer in any other way, they're the ones who are the examples to others of how to get through live. Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, provide for us the guidelines, commandments, and rules that we must follow in order to live our lives in a way that we may one day, return to live with Them in Glory.

If there's anyone who can do it...it's you.

*Name Changed.

I MADE THE CUT!!!

2011-05-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

BOO-YAH! I made the RAPTURE cut and you didn't! Hahahahaha! Heaven is pretty sweet. Everyone got a new wardrobe--as we all arrived naked. There are free drinks, an awesome Zero-Calorie buffet, and...yes....DINOSAURS.

My Dream Partner

2011-05-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

Yup. I kinda-sorta stole this idea from Grant. Who's to say what will happen in the future? In a perfect world, my future partner will have these--and other qualities--listed below.

(1) Allow me to watch HGTV all through the week, and then, on Saturday, do a little DIY on our house using one of the ideas that aired.

(2) Laugh at ridiculous things--like myself.

(3) Allow me to watch SouthPark, Simpsons, Family Guy, and other rude, crass and totally immature television.

(4) Kisses me whenever I feel down.

(5) Makes me breakfast.

(6) Lets me make him breakfast more than he makes it for me.

(7) Sings with me in the car, at the top of his lungs to whatever we're listening to--even if we both don't know the lyrics.

(8) Goes on road-trip adventures.

(9) Must be able to handle my current, awesome friends: Katrina, Clarise, Holly, Stephanie, Geoffrey, Tim, Kyle, and others.

(10) Cuddles with me when I am sick and watches--and quotes--"You've Got Mail".

(11) Exercises with me on a daily basis.

(12) Knows how to fix cars...or computers...

(13) Wants me to succeed in whatever future lies ahead of me.

(14) *NOT A REQUIREMENT* Be a ginger. For reals.

(15) And above all, will love me know matter what.

So: Fate, God, Allah, Buddah, or the Giant Spaghetti Monster in the Sky with Thine Noodly Appendages, this is what I wish for. Will I get it?

Only time will tell...

The Man in the Rear-View Mirror

2011-05-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, my mother came up from Arizona to visit her sister. Thankfully, she came up on the weekend of Mother's Day and I decided to take my mom out on a date.

I picked her up, handed her a bouquet of flowers and we went out to dinner. After a delicious meal--on me, of course--we decided to get some delicious frozen yogurt at the 100% orgasmically tasty "Yogurtland".

However, on the way there, we stopped at a red light--which is common, I know. Normally, I check my rear-view mirror to make sure that the person behind me isn't too close. This time, I noticed that the man behind me was extremely attractive.

Just recently, I received in the mail the HRC campaign sticker. I was overjoyed with the opportunity to share my political beliefs with the Provo world by placing it on my bumper. That being said, the looks people have given me when they pass by my car--especially cute, attractive guys--has been a plus.

So, when I noticed this man in my rear view mirror, I noticed him looking at the sticker. Then, we made eye contact through the mirror. You know that this same experience has happened to you, too.

What makes this experience funny--and slightly awkward--is that I was in the middle of telling my mother a story. It kind of went down like this:

"Yeah, and so when the curtain went up--" I noticed the man in the rear-view mirror.
I struggled to continue. "So, the curtain went up--"

Then he looked at me, smiled, and licked his lips.

I stopped. I couldn't continue my story.

The light turned green.

"Ummm...the curtain...up...the curtain...umm....it was a great show."

I couldn't even finish my story to my mother because I was (1) so flabbergasted and (2) so amazed that this man would do that.

I guess that's the power of the HRC sticker and...well, being an overly observant driver.

Getting more Conflicted...

2011-04-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

It has been a hard--and at the same time, easy--past couple of weeks. I was fired from my great job working as a Social Network/Customer Relations manager for a small company and found a new job less than one week later. I was in a performance that ended, and then started rehearsals for a new show and helping with an absurdist/feminist piece at BYU. Finals week has started, and yet I'm not worried about finals.

Even though my life is filled with things that occupy my time, and I feel as if I am more busy than ever before, I am getting more conflicted.

Honestly? I have been feeling the Spirit of the Lord more than ever lately. It is a good feeling. I am striving to be a better person, keep my thoughts clean, and do good to others. However, it feels as if the better person I get, the more I want to get a boyfriend.

It feels as if, the more I get closer to God, the better the idea sounds of settling down with someone. This has happened before in the past, but I am terrified of this idea. This conflicts me...so much. Can what I feel--the closer I am to God--be right? It goes completely against what I have been taught and what has been pounded from the pulpit in recent general conferences.

Does this mean that God would be okay with me getting a boyfriend? Or, is it my own false hopes? Or, is it something from the Devil? Or, am I totally over-analyzing everything?

I mean, I go here:

Read these:

Do this:

...and yet...

I feel this:

Anyone have any ideas? Is it time I go to the Lord with this question? I'm afraid that His answer will be the one that I have been wanting...but that scares me.

How have you coped/sought answers for this predicament?

Come See Me Perform. Today.

2011-04-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'll be playing the role of Dorsey in the show "Parade" by Jason Roberts Brown.

It's in the NELKE theatre of the HFAC at 1:00, 2:00 and 4:00 PM.

Admission is free.

The run of the show is approximately 40 mins.

It's going to change your life.

See you there!

Yup. I'm the only one.

2011-04-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Okay. I used to think that there were more gay men on campus. Especially in the HFAC. Apparently, I was way wrong! All the guys who I thought were gay are not. Maybe my gaydar is broken.

Or, they could be hiding it for fear of getting kicked out of BYU. Or, I could simply be one of the very very very few gay guys in the HFAC. I don't know if I believe it...but...I swear it's true.

I mean, all the guys who I thought were gay all have girlfriends. What? I mean....gosh...I feel like I am slowly reverting back to my old way of thinking when I was in High School and feeling so alone.

Maybe I should just wear a bright pink shirt that says, "If you're gay, hug me!" Then...then...I would know for sure.

Ideas?

Detox

2011-03-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm detoxifying my body right now. It's so hard to do!

In the morning, I drink 16 oz of prune juice.

Thirty minutes later, 8 oz of pure apple juice.

Thirty minutes later, 8 oz of water.

I repeat that throughout the day.

For three days.

Why am I doing this you may ask? For a few reasons.

(1) To rid my body of the toxins of preservatives, chemicals, etc.

(2) To get a jump start on Spring.

(3) To begin to go back to basics: raw vegetables, fruits, grains, fish and maybe chicken.

(4) So I can feel better, be healthier, and treat my body as the temple it is!

It's hard. My body is making funny noises...I know it will be worth it!

I...am...Sisyphus!

2011-03-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

Now, I know that sounds like a rare sexually transmitted disease. It's not, okay?

Sisyphus is a man, who tried to bind Death with chains, and was sentenced to immortality. Part of his sentence was to push a rock up to the top of an extremely high mountain. Once the rock reached the top, it would tumble back down and Sisyphus was condemned to spend eternity pushing the rock up and down the mountain.

What strikes me interesting about this story is how similar it is to that of the gay Christian.

Here is a man, struggling with his sexual identity, going against the grain, and trying to push a rock up an unmoving mountain. The rock is the burden of pain, guilt, sorrow and fear that he is trying to get rid of. He pushes with all his might until the rock slowly starts moving up the steep side. However, once he gets to the top, right before that burden starts to be lifted, the mountain shakes and says with a sneer, "Sorry, old buddy. You've been up here so many times, ready to finally let go. But, you know what? This is how it's always been, and...I can't change it. The rock has to go back to the bottom."

Again, Sisyphus makes the long trek back to the bottom of the mountain and starts the weary journey of pushing against the rock.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, Sisyphus continues to make the struggle. The mountain continues to laugh. "I am never going to change. Do you think centuries of tradition can just be wiped out if I were to let the rock stay at the top? Don't even think about it."

Eventually, Sisyphus lets the mountain take it's toll on his spirit. Sisyphus stops caring about trying to get his fate overturned. He just...continues to push the rock up and down the side of the mountain because...it's all he can do.

He doesn't even realize that he has a choice.

Sisyphus doesn't even realize that all he needs to do is to stop pushing. He doesn't need to push against his struggles; just accept that they exist. He doesn't need to listen to what the mountain says; the mountain isn't God.

Sisyphus doesn't realize that the easiest way to get out of this situation is to simply...acknowledge the rock, realize that it's there, and walk away.

The Book of Mormon Musical

2011-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I have yet to see this show. I want to see it. So badly.

Most Mormons are afraid of it. They are afraid that it will be bad press for the Church. They are afraid that, since the creators of South Park are doing a musical about Mormons, that it will be offensive, naive, crude, and blithely stupid.

I've heard it's all of the above. And yet, I've also heard that "it makes fun of the religion in a way that they make fun of all religions. It isn't especially malicious or anything, and the ending actually is quite sweet and feel-good."

I've also heard, "Mormons will love this show."

Speaking with Jon Stewart, Trey Parker said, "I mean, who else will get an Abinadi joke? Only Mormons."

Some Mormons are afraid that this show will put all Mormonism in a negative light. But, that was not the purpose of the show. The purpose of the show is to "celebrate Mormonism" in a fun, modern way. Mormonism really is "America's religion" (Matt Stone, co-creator of Book of Mormon).

To all of you who are afraid, I would think twice. Watch the following video clip from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and I think some of your fears may be squalled.

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

God is Far Away...Which Makes Me Confused

2011-03-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the staged reading of a new musical that is being co-produced by my university and a local theatre. A good number of people came. It was nice. I am excited to hopefully be in the show when it premieres in November.

After the show, I went out to eat with a good, dear, and close friend. We're basically twins. She's the smart, sassy one. I'm the cool one. Or is she the cool one, and I the sassy? Not sure. We are the same, after all.

Our conversation weaved in and out of topic tapestries filled with tales of strange dreams (nachos and peanut butter), the paranormal, and finally, to my confusion with religion and myself.

I don't know where I stand anymore.

I don't know where to turn.

I pray every night; but I feel as if God isn't there. Is He there?

Am I just not trying hard enough?

I'm looking for a reason to be gay. I'm looking for faults in the church so I can have a boyfriend. If the Church isn't true, then all I know about God may not be true and therefore, I can do whatever I want.

But, what is truth? What do I know? I have felt the power of God in my life. I have felt His spirit guide me. I have seen the awesome power of the Priesthood working in my life. I know these things are true...then, why...why does God give His children such a damning "lot" in life?

Will I ever be happy living in both worlds? Do I need to give up the Church I love to be happy? Or do I give up a life of love to be happy?

Bare-A Pop Opera

2011-03-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

This musical revolves around the lives of two teenage boys in Catholic school. Peter is the musically talented guy in school, and Jason is the jock, the smart ass and the valdectorian. Jason and Peter are gay and in a secret relationship.

Without giving the ending away, I will briefly state that this musical has extremely poignant ties to me, being a gay member of the Mormon faith while studying at BYU. Granted, the purpose of the Bare is to show audience members how we all need to stop worrying about our differences and what makes us separate from each other, and focus on what brings us together as a religious community: the love of God and the atoning power of Christ.

My prayer is that all Christians, or rather, people from all faith-based systems can learn to rely on the power of unity and togetherness. The longer we stray from each other, the weaker we become. And...we cannot be weak. We must be strong. We must embrace our differences, embrace what makes us separate. We must learn to rely on the love of God and the power of Christ to bring us together.

Listening to this musical made me realize how far the Church members have come in terms of accepting their homosexual brothers and sisters. However, it also made me realize how much further we have to go.

But I believe, through our actions as faithful followers of God and His Son, we can help push the Church along.

Just because...

2011-03-07T16:37:00.001-08:00

Sorry guys and gals. Life has been extra busy. Here's something to keep you entertained until my next post.

The Mormon Proposition

2011-03-02T21:06:00.001-08:00

To all my Mormon friends,

Please go to Netflix and watch instantly "8: The Mormon Proposition".

I had only heard wind of what happened during the Prop 8 campaign, and most of it I thought was not true. I thought that the Church simply sent a letter to it's members. Oh, no. They had a leadership meeting that was broadcast, they organized a "battle" and a "coalition"...they...just didn't act like a Church. They acting like a political machine.

What happened to separation of Church and State?

Guess when it comes to equal rights, religion trumps politics.

I can't believe this.

Of course, the documentary is biased towards the gay community, but...I feel as if they got their facts pretty straight.

Just watch it and you see how much hate comes from members of the Church and...sadly enough, its leaders.

Why I Love my Dad

2011-03-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

Last night, I Facebook stalked my dad. He is such a good man. He is currently serving as the Scout Leader and he loves it. He loves being able to go out and camp. He loves being able to mess around with the guys and teach them how to play (safely) with fire. He is so happy being a Scout Leader. He's lucky that he has two young sons who also love doing such Scout-y things with him. I believe that God blessed him with the perfect combination of boys.

On the one hand, you have me: Musically talented, gorgeous, loves theatre, loves film, loves art, and is gay.

On the other hand, you have my two younger brothers: both like Scouts, one plays sports--he can't get enough of them. The other really likes finances and my one day take over my dad's business.

My dad really was able to get the best of both worlds.

My dad is so kind, and so loving, and so caring. I want to be like him one day. He really is my best role model. When I was younger, I would have hated to say that. I didn't want to be anything like my dad. Now, I am falling so short of the legacy he is leaving others to fall into.

Love you, daddy!

The Iron Age and my Testimony

2011-02-27T09:04:00.001-08:00

It was 2008--a wild and crazy year. Gas prices were soaring, George Bush was president, and I was taking an Archeology class at BYU.

For the most part, the class was interesting. It was taught by a wonderful single woman with a Justin Bieber haircut, and three gorgeous female TA's. From the minute I walked into that room I was like, "There's a LESBIAN teaching this class!" I immediately held an affinity towards her. But, I digest.

Introduction

In this class, we spoke of three ages: The Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age. My professor always spoke of how civilizations went from one age to another, progressively. There has never been a society where they went from the Iron Age to the Stone Age. This got me thinking: How then, did the people in the Book of Mormon have iron tools to work ore to build swords, cimeters, javelins, shields, armour, etc? You see, popular Mormon culture believes that the Mayan civilizations were all part of the Nephite, Lamanite or Jaredite cultures. But, there has hasn't been strong enough evidence to conclude that the Mayan--or any South American ancient societies--had the technology to build those weapons of war. In addition, there has been no conclusive evidence to suggest such a thing. In fact, the weapons of war that have been found are wooden spears, obsidian arrowheads, stone clubs, etc. The use of iron to construct swords, or steel bows, or protective armour has never been found in South America. Ever.

The Iron Age

I'm going to focus just a little bit about the Iron Age. It began about 1200 BC in Anatolia. Now, since the Jaredites left the Middle East at the time of the tower of Babel, some historians have calculated that "the time frame for the events in the book [of Ether] have been estimated as starting anywhere from 2600 B.C. to 2100 B.C. and extending to some time beyond 600 B.C." (Source). In addition, we read in Ether 7:9 that "[Shule] came to the hill Ephraim, and he did molten out of the hill, and made swords out of steel." If Wikipedia is correct that the beginning of the Iron Age was 1200 BC--roughly 1,000 years after the Jaredites--and that the Jaredites were molting iron to create steel swords thousands of years before that, then either (1) archeological evidence is wrong or (2) the Book of Mormon is wrong. Add to the fact that swords--or even hilts for swords--have never been found in South American ancient civilizations, then it seems as if the second option is correct.

Now, some of you may say, "Well, Joseph Smith may have just translated that word incorrectly. Maybe they were using an iron-nickel based ore to create the swords so the only word he knew in his vocabulary was 'steel'". If that is the case, how then do you go to say that the Book of Mormon is the "most correct book on the earth" if there are translation errors in it?

My Testimony

Since there is no archeological evidence of steel swords, iron armour, etc yet to be found in those cultures, what does that mean for me? Does that mean that the entire LDS doctrine is incorrect? Does that mean the Church I have belonged to my entire life is false? Does that mean the Book of Mormon is false?

Honestly, I don't have the answers to those questions. But, what I do know is this: Whether or not the Church is true, living the principals taught therein has brought me happiness. Learning to love my neighbor, striving to do what is right, praying to my Heavenly Father, repenting of my sins, being kind to others, providing service for the needy, being an example of good faith and righteousness, loving my family--all these things bring me true joy. I don't need an angel to come down and tell me that the Church is true or that it is not true. To me, the Church is true because it helps me become a better person.

Lately, I've been finding myself questioning some major key doctrines found in the Church. So, I've just stopped questioning. Instead, I've decided to focus on the things that I know are true for myself. I'm starting to re-evaluate my life and my personal relationship with my Savior. It may be different from yours and it may be different from the "standard" Mormon relationship--but it's mine.

I'm trying to reconnect with core Christian faith and values. I'm trying to become "Born Again". I believe that Mormons are so afraid of shouting "Hallelujah's", or "raising the Church roof" with music, or praying to Jesus that we are focusing too much on the little things, when we should be focusing on the major aspects of our religion: truth, Jesus Christ, happiness, and love.

And that, my dear friends, is how I plan to live my religion from here on out.

"The Realignment"

2011-02-25T06:53:00.001-08:00

This event is occurring right now in the theatre department. President Sam., the dean of Theatre and Media Arts, and all faculty members are required to participate in what is called, "The Realignment".

Apparently, the avid audience members of both the film and theatre departments are fed up with the inappropriate content that the zoobie student population is hashing out. This realignment is said to bring the focus of plays, films, and animation back to a religious origin and provide for our audience members content that anyone kind find suitable.

For the past few days, I have been a little worried. I mean, we already live in such a heavily concentrated group of LDS people. How are we to "experience" the effects of the "real world" if we can't even portray that on stage?

Granted, the audience members that attend the productions are middle-aged, greying, mid-life-crisied Mormons who are afraid of accidentally saying the word "penis". These are the people who make the university money, because these are the people who pay over $18.00 for tickets. It makes sense. But at what cost?

The student's cost. Instead of catering to our needs as the future generation, we are bending over backward to cater to those who will--sooner than ourselves--turn into dust.

But, all hope is not lost.

We just have to worry about what content is performed on the main-stage productions. Student productions, Mask Clubs, class-room projects are not going to feel the affects of the "realignment" as much. Why? Because Zoobies are freakin' awesome.

If our creativity on mainstage productions is going to be thwarted, then our creativity behind closed doors will thrive. This is just like when the Puritans closed down all the Elizabethan theatres during the 1500s. Only a select few were allowed to perform theatrical pieces. However, those that couldn't performed "drolls". Musical adaptations of classic stories. The drolls became more popular with the general public and those that actually cared about theatre.

I think I'm going to start my own drolls as well. I don't need my creativity to be thwarted for catering to the people who drop the serious cash. I want to cater to creative minds. I want to cater to those who want to experience the real world. I want to cater to students who have dreams, goals, and will do whatever they can to achieve them.

Realignment? What realignment?

BYU Kicks out Gays

2011-02-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

I have heard from a trusted source (who will remain anonymous) that 8 male performers from the Music, Dance, and Theatre Program at BYU were kicked out of school for being gay. This source is currently working with "high-up" faculty members at BYU and I believe what she says. She went on to say that, "these men were transferred to the University of Utah" where, I'm sure, they will find more peace, acceptance and love.

This scares me.

BYU is supposed to feel like a safe haven for gays. Well, at least the HFAC and the Richards Building are. This source also informed me that the theatre department is also starting to crack down on the "inappropriate content" that is so rampant in BYU plays. If I can't even feel safe to be who I am in the HFAC, where am I suppose to find that safety?

Granted, I could be overreacting. Or, I could be justified in my fearful feelings. There are a lot of people who know I'm gay in the theatre department--including professors. Now, I'm just waiting to be called into the Honor Code office.

I mean, I haven't done anything contrary to the Honor Code--and neither did all those guys who got kicked out. The source told me that most of them were "living a life of sin", but some of them weren't. I think they were kicked out of heresay and hysteria.

Am I going to go through my own McCarthy trials? Does the witch hunt start now?

I don't know. I'm just...worried.

A Stupid Mistake

2011-02-22T07:22:00.000-08:00

Last night, I decided to Facebook message a guy who I liked--who I thought liked me back. I just wanted to see if there could be something that happened between the two of us. He also attends BYU and he has a directing class with me.

Here is what I wrote:

(...) I...kinda like you. And if you're straight, I will feel super awkward and that's okay. And if you're gay and not interested, I'll feel super awkward, too. But it's all good. I'm trying to be honest in all parts of my life.

Anyway, that's it. Nothing more to say.

I then immediately texted my friend Ashleigh (name changed). I was super nervous and wanted to see what she thought before he responded. She quickly texted back and said, "Dallen (name changed) isn't gay. He's straight."

I started to freak out. What had I done? I stereotyped a perfectly good straight man into the gay category! Actually, I was pretty justified in my assumption. On his Facebook page, he continuously posts about Kylie Minogue, Mel Gisbon's eyes, Lady Gaga and other seemingly "gay" topics.

I waited and he finally responded. Dallen wrote,

To be honest, I'm not interested in that way, but it's all good. I really do like you and enjoy being with you. You're are fun. Do not worry yourself or feel embarrassed in any way. I still respect you and will keep this between us. I have been in WAAAAY MOOOORE AAAAWWWWKWWWWAAAAAARD situations. You are fine. Do not fret in the slightest. I understand that you are coming forward with something that is extremely personal, especially feelings-oriented, and that you may feel vulnerable. Please, don't worry or feel embarrassed or any less of yourself. Be at peace, and know that anything you've said has not affected any negative thoughts or feelings toward you. It's all cool.

In all truthfulness, his response did make me feel a little better.

But, I still feel like a douchebag. The biggest thing that irks me about this is the fact that I am feeling more alone each day when I go to school. The amount of gay guys in the HFAC seem to be dwindling...and the more and more I start to ask around, the less the "gay family" that I assumed to be in the HFAC is disappearing.

It was a stupid mistake.

Like A Child

2011-02-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sobbing, that is.

Tonight, on the ride home from going to Clinton, UT for my old roommates wedding reception, I was listening to "No One is Alone" from Into the Woods. However, this wasn't the version from the original Broadway cast recording. It was Bernadette Peters singing a beautiful solo.

For some reason, that song, and the night, and being alone, and feeling sad for my parents problems, my problems, my friends problems, and I just started crying. No. Sobbing.

My Voice and Diction professor keeps telling us to "...let the iron gate that holds in emotion to let go." So, I did.

And it was...scary at first. I sounded like a child, but in mans body. But, it felt so good. It felt so relieving. It felt so liberating.

I just wish there was someone to hold me when it was all over.

Who am I Now?

2011-02-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

"Don't tell me who I am. My whole life I've done what someone else said I should do, and who he said I should be. I followed his rules, I set to his plan and...I never stopped to think about what I wanted...and what I needed. And now? I don't know who I'm supposed to be."

~Dexter from Dexter

Gay Men, Old Love, and the Book of Mormon

2011-02-09T07:48:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered how gay men of hold handled relationships and their lives. I am sure we all understand that homosexuality was much less accepted societally than it is today. My father thinks that it is because the world is getting more wicked--which could be the case. Or, it could be because the world is learning to become more Christlike and learn to love everyone. Regardless of what the world is becoming, or how many openly gay men there are compared to in the past, the point is is that there were gay people in the past. Some were brave enough to live openly...albeit it in their own homes or abroad.

The other day, I stumbled across a beautiful website. It's called Woolf and Wilde. They chronicle homosexual relationships as far back as the early 1800s. They include pictures and either poems that relate to the photo or, a first hand account of what the photo is.

This one is one of my favorites.

To me, their entire website simply shows, that gay men and women--even when faced with a greater social adversity than we do--still found love. They still were able to find someone whom they could appreciate, care for, and cherish. And to me, they seemed happy.

Now, what does this have to do with the Book of Mormon?

I just love how some members of the Church say things like, "Being gay is wrong. It talks about it in the Book of Mormon." Actually, it doesn't. It never once explicitly states anything to do with homosexuality. Of course, it talks about sexual transgression, but that's another story.

But I've always wondered: What about the gay Nephites? The gay Jews? The gay Laminites? There had to have been at least one. And, I think I may have found him.

If you go to the book of Omni, chapter 1:25, you can read about Amaleki. He only wrote a few verses, but he had no seed. There's the kicker. No seed? No children. Did that mean he had a wife? I'm not sure. He could have been single.

What? A single man, no children, living in the time of the Nephites? Preposterous. He would have had to get married to receive all the blessings of eternal life, right? Well, maybe. We can tell that he was trusted enough by the church and his family to be in charge of the plates of brass until he died. Since he had no children, there was no one to give the plates to.

Could this man have been a gay Nephite? I would like to say so. If we can only speculate if he had a barren wife--thus producing no children--we can also speculate that he may have been gay.

To me, all of this gives me hope. The gay men of the past, who found ways to find love; the gay men in our Church's history and now; the knowledge that I have all help me continue on every day.

If these men can do it, so can we.

The Life After--Part Fifteen--MoHo's Have Parties?

2011-02-08T05:30:00.000-08:00

It took me a while to get back on my feet again after the alcohol-driven sexcapade entered into my life. When I was able to find solid ground, I decided that I wanted to try dating in the MoHo world. I had heard that there were MoHo parties at some guys house near Salt Lake.

I can't remember exactly how I heard about it, or how I got a ride up there, but as soon as I started asking around for more information about the party, I was arriving at the doorstep.

I was a little nervous. I didn't know anybody there and I didn't think anyone would even appreciate me. I knocked on the door with another fellow MoHo and a wonderful woman answered. She greeted us with a smile.

"Hey," I said, "We're here for the party."

"Of course you are!" She said. Grabbing our hands, she let us in.

The place was packed. I wasn't expecting so many MoHo's at a party. There were some guys who were obviously together and others who looked like they were just having fun. I saw an open spot at the table, where most of the "action" seemed to be happening.

Sitting down, I awkwardly introduced myself.

The other guys were nice, and they made me feel as if I was home. We shared stories, experiences, and then...that's when I saw him.

He was wearing a tight blue shirt--which matched his eyes perfectly--and sitting at the other end of the table. He kept on making eye contact with me.

Who is this guy? I wondered. And why does he keep staring at me?

"Hey," he said. "Can I get your number?"

"Really?" I asked. "Why?"

"Ummm..." He looked down sheepishly. "So, we can, you know...hang out...if you want to."

I was stunned.

"Really?"

He laughed.

"Really."

I gave him my number.

Throughout the evening, we spent all the free time we could together. We talked, we laughed, and he even held my hand. I was loving this!

We decided to ride home together.

That's when things started to get crazy.

~End Part Fifteen

The SuperBowl

2011-02-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

Yes. I just watch it for the commercials. Really. That's it.

Oh, and to watch Christina Aguilera totally mess up the lyrics of our National Anthem.

Let Loose the Horses--Script Preview

2011-02-02T18:45:00.001-08:00

Hey guys and gals,

I'm working on a script right now called, "Let Loose the Horses". Of course, it deals with homosexuality as one of it's main subjects. However, it is not simply a musical about being gay. It's more than that.

Remember, this is a preview. Just...something small that I've been working on. Let me know what you think.
Photo Courtesy of Woolf and Wilde
----------

DENVER: I don’t want to be laughed at. I don’t want to feel hated. I don’t want to be left out of family gatherings. I don’t want any of that.

ALAN: What do you want?

DENVER: It doesn’t matter because I’ll never have it.

ALAN: You’re right.

Denver sighs, long pause.

DENVER: I just want…to be held. I want to feel the warmth of another man against my body. I want to feel his breath on my neck as he whispers that he loves me. I want him to buy me presents and call me when he’s going to be home from work late. I want him to smell bed and not do the dishes, so I can yell at him and we have make-up sex. I want to buy a house and grow tomatoes in the backyard and invite people over and watch stupid movies and get a dog and have a family…and just…live. I want to live.

ALAN: Deep in thought What’s stopping you?

DENVER: Scoffs. Everything. Everybody. God. My parents. My friends. My students.

ALAN: I’m gonna say something to you, that you may not like. But, you’ve gotta hear it, okay? I don’t want you to start crying, or to take offense, but it’s the truth, and sometimes, the truth hurts. Denver, you are a good man. You will make some other man so lucky that he’ll curse the days when he never got the courage to come and talk to you sooner. He’ll wake up in the morning before you, look over at your sleeping body and wonder how lucky he ever got to be with you. He’ll probably go into the kitchen and make you breakfast and make the eggs the way you hate them. He’ll go to work, he’ll come home, he’ll make money—but none of that will matter to him, because the only thing that does…is you. You might not notice it yet. But there have been men in your life that have wanted to drop everything just to be with you. It’s you who’s holding yourself back. Not them, not God, not your parents, not the freakin’ president of the united states. It’s you, Denver. And the only person who’s going to be able to help you get what you want...is yourself.

The Life After--Part Fourteen--Hungover

2011-02-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

"Andy," Sharon said, gently shaking my shoulders. "Andy!"

I opened my eyes. It was dark. I looked out the window. It was still nighttime.

"What time is it?"

"About 1:45."

"What am I doing awake?"

"I need you to drink this," Sharon handed me a tall glass of water.

"Why?"

"So you don't get hungover."

"Oh. Makes sense."

I took the glass from her hand and drank the entire thing.

"Thanks," I said.

I looked around. A TV was on and I was on something squishy. I put my hand underneath me. Oh. It was a bed. I turned my head to my left and there was Mike and Sharon in their birthday suits.

Oh, no! I thought. What did we do?

Then, it all came rushing back to me.

Mike grabbed my leg. Went into the "no-no" area. I did the same to him. One thing led to another and here I was. Lying on a bed. With no pants on. What? Hmmmm...where are those pants? Oh, well. I'll find them later.

When I woke up again, it was Sunday morning. Mike was still in bed and Sharon was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. Surprisingly, my head wasn't hurting at all. I looked around on the floor. Ah! There they were. I put my pants back on.

Sharon looked up from her bowl of cereal.

"How did you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess." I stretched.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Oh, do I!

"Yes, please. That would be nice."

Sharon and I got into her car and she drove me home. It was about 8:30 in the morning.

I didn't know what to think. What had I done? Who had I become? Who did I do?

I knelt down and prayed. I didn't ask for forgiveness because...well...I was pretty sure what I did was bad. So, I just prayed that I would never do it again. It was a dumb choice--especially when there were three people involved.

I got into my bed and went to sleep.

5 hours later I went to Church.

~End Part Fourteen

The Life After--Part 13--Strong Drinks Are Not for the Belly

2011-01-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

I had always wanted to see what alcohol would do to my body. I had heard that people, after drinking, would forget everything that occurred the night before. I didn't know if it was true. I wanted to find out for myself. I was curious, so...I let the cat take me by the hand.

Now, I didn't go to a club or a bar to have my first taste of alcohol. I wanted to be somewhere safe. Somewhere I could get a little tipsy and not worry about barfing on someones shoes on the dance floor. I went to a friends house.

Now, this friend was a work acquaintance, and we had only hung out a few times before. She was funny and so when she invited me to her place with her boyfriend to have a few drinks, I said yes.

When I got to her house, it was only the three of us; myself, Sharon* and Mike*. Mike started mixing drink while Sharon and I chose a movie to watch. I chose The Emperor's New Groove.

I sat down on the couch and started to watch it. Mike walked over, and with a wink, handed me my first drink.

"What is it?"

"It's an orange vodka mixed with Sprite."

"Okay..." I said, hesitating. I looked down at the clear liquid. I lifted the glass to my nose. It smelled pretty strong.

"Don't worry about it," Mike said, taking my hand and pushing the glass to my lips. "You'll like it."

"Stop pushing him," Sharon said. "He'll drink if he wants to."

Mike sighed and let go of my hand. "You're right. I won't pressure you."

Thing is, folks, I did want to drink, and I wanted--more than anything--for Mike to approve of me. It's strange, how I think. Sharon had told me previously that Mike was bi-sexual and that he thought I was attractive, so...I just had to drink for his sake.

I lifted the glass to my lips and drank the entire thing. The Sprite tasted great, but the warm bite of vodka tingled my throat.

"Let me have another one."

"'Atta boy!" Mike shouted, and he began pouring me another drink.

Soon enough, I was drunk. I remember everything from that night. Every single detail. I knew that her roommates weren't home, but we also knew that they would be coming home. So, I kept on whispering, "Shh...we have, we have to, we have to be quiet for when your roommates come home. We have to act cool and--*hiccup*--not drunk. Because...then they won't like us..."

After a few more drinks, I became a more quiet drunk. I sat on the couch to watch the movie, and then things started getting...freaky.

Sharon sat down next to me and Mike sat down next to her. Mike had grabbed a blanket and covered all of us.

About 10 seconds later, I felt a hand on my thigh.

"Who's touching me?" I asked.

I lifted up the blanket.

It was Mike. His hand moved up my leg...

~End Part Thirteen

So busy...

2011-01-27T10:24:00.001-08:00

Working on "Parade". Working on "Les Mis". School schedule. Homework schedule. Workout schedule. Voice lesson schedule. Work.

Barely gives me any time for you guys.

I hope to continue posting soon.

The Life After--Part Twelve--Mark Unloads

2011-01-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Wow. That's a racy title. Maybe...maybe I'll change it. Nah, it's pretty pertinent to this part of my past...heh... alliteration.

Anyway...

Mark and I still texted/talked on the phone every single day. We saw each other about three times a week. We went to movies and dinner, you know, the usual gay types of dates.

One day, however, he got me texting about the subject of sex. I don't know how he did it, but he did. After a while, he asked if he thought the idea of Google video chatting and...ahem...you know...flogging uncle fester would be a good idea.

Since he was the first guy who ever told me who he thought that I was cute, I quickly said that I would--but that I didn't have a webcam. Mark said that that would be alright.

So, that night, we logged on.

Long story short: It was awkward, and surreal, and weird, and confusing--why would he cyber stuff stuff if he was so against actual physical contact--and strange, and...just...not cool.

After that, I made up in my mind that I didn't want to see him again. I wasn't going to "date" someone who was so vehemently against physical contact, yet bare it all online, and expect for the relationship to go somewhere.

So, as any brave soul would do, I email broke up with him.

And, as quick as it started, it ended. Mark was no longer a part of my life--which was fine...because he was weird.

~End Part Twelve

So ready to quit...

2011-01-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am ready to stop trying. I am ready to give up.

I hate it, how people think they understand what I'm going through. No. You don't. You can't understand what I am going through until you're told from the Church, "We love you, but we can't let you hold hands with a guy. We can't let you kiss a boy. We can let you date a boy. We can't let you think about boys. Because if we did, we'd be allowing you to go to Hell. But...if you did all those things with girls, then, by golly! Do it!"

I am tired of being told that I have a "special" purpose because I'm one of the only few gay members of the Church that still goes to Church. I don't know if I want to do that.

And also, I'm tired of people telling me--especially my friends--"Andy, we will love you no matter what you decide to do with your life. But, we can't accept your lifestyle as right. I mean, you can come to my house with your partner, but...I'll still be sad for you...because, well....you're damning yourself."

I hate it. I'm tired of it.

Please, friends, family members, and Church...just really love me. Don't say, "Yeah, we love you, but hate your 'trial'--because we all know it's wrong."

Done. I'm done.

A Moment of Reflection

2011-01-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

Now, if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you've probably seen me post the following video.

I watch this, and I think to myself, "Will I ever get to experience moments like this?"

Those who are Christian might say: "Of course, you will! If you do what's right, God will bless you with a straight women who will want you have your babies!"

Those of you who are "Easter Sunday" Christians, you might say: "Of course, you will! If you do what's right, God will bless you with a gay man who will want to adopt babies with you!"

Those of you who are not affiliated with any religion at all, you might say: "Dude, stop worrying about it."

And I say: "I will experience moments like this. I will. I just have to find the right man, woman, or myself who will want to share these precious times together."

What do you say?

The Life After--Part Eleven--Mark

2011-01-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

I had been texting Mark--the Connection boy--steadily every day for the past two weeks. We had sent pictures of each other over the phone and we were both determined that we would finally meet on a Sunday afternoon and take a drive up the canyon.

That Sunday, I was as nervous as a school girl. This would be the first time that I had met someone from the Internet to go on a date with. My heart was racing and my thoughts were going in a million different directions. "Would he like me? I think he's going to think that I'm too fat. I wonder what he looks like in person. Gosh, I have to pee. No, you've already gone pee two hundred times this morning. Ahhhh...so nervous--"

From my vantage point in the living room, I saw a car pull up into my driveway.

It was Mark.

I took a deep breath, sprayed myself with one last spritz of cologne and walked outside. Sadly, Mark did not get out of the car to greet me. I was almost sure that he would. I opened the door to the passenger side and got in.

I looked over at Mark. Immediately, my first thought was, "Wow. He doesn't look anything like in his pictures."

"Hey, Andy!" He said.

"How's it going?" I replied.

"Much better, now that you're here."

"Awww, thanks."

He started the car and we took off down the street.

I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go through all the small-talk stuff. We had already done that via text.

"So," I said, "I don't really want to go through all the small-talk stuff...we've already done that via text."

He laughed. "I know, right?"

We stopped at a red light.

He turned to look at me.

He took a breath and sighed.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's nothing," he started. "It's just...you're so cute."

My face flushed. No one had actually told that to me in person...well...no guys anyway.

"Gee, thanks." I sounded like a 15 year-old boy.

The light turned green.

We headed off into the canyon for our drive.

Throughout the rest of the date, we just talked and drove all around Provo. We eventually headed to Salt Lake where we walked around and got to know each other better. He seemed like a really nice guy.

Fast forward to the evening.

We were in Provo near the Nu Skin building on Center Street. We were parked in his car. It was about 11:00 pm.

"I don't want to let you go home," Mark said.

"I don't want to go either."

He sighed. "I want to kiss you so bad right now."

Why don't you, then? I shouted to him in my head.

"But," he began, "I believe in no physical contact for 4 full months of dating."

"What? No physical contact for 4 months? Why?"

He shuffled in his seat. "I've...just had a lot of bad experiences with guys taking advantage of me in the past, and...I don't want to make the same mistakes again."

Okay, that's understandable. But...but....4 MONTHS?!!

I took a deep breath. "I...I...guess...that's alright. I can do it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. For sure."

He smiled.

"That's why I really like you."

He put the car in drive and he took me home. As I shut my door, I saw him go down the street.

4 months? I don't think I can do it.

Even though he said 4 months, he neglected to mention that "contact", to him, meant completely different things.

Apparently, cybers*x didn't count.

~End Part Eleven

The Life After--Part Ten--Connection

2011-01-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

Jonathan and I shared some more interesting experiences, but none that topped the night he flashed me.

Almost every weekend, Jonathan would let me know that he was going to Salt Lake or going to West Jordan or somewhere there was a more "lively" gay community. I asked him one day how he found all the gay guys.

"Connection," he said. (Yes, I know I'm spelling it wrong, but I don't want the real website to be linked to my blog).

"What's that?"

"Oh, I don't know if I want to tell you."

"Come on!" I pleaded. "Please?"

"Fine. It's like....Facebook for gay guys."

"Really? There's such a thing?"

"Yeah, just go and search for Connection. You'll have to create an account first, but...you can be friends with guys on there, search for gay guys who live around Provo, and even get a few hook-ups if you're interested."

"Geez," I said. "I'm gay, not a floozy."

With that, I went onto my computer and promptly created an account with Connection. I uploaded the hottest pictures I could find of myself. I created my profile within seconds and waited for someone to add me as their friend.

I waited.

And waited...

and waited some more...

"What the crap is going on? Don't people think I'm hot?"

I periodically checked my Connection account about every 5 minutes that day. The next day, it went down to checking it about every 30. The following day, it was about every other hour. It soon became when I would only check it once a month.

Then, in October of 2009, I got an email from someone on Connection.

His name was Mark. He lived in Orem and he wanted to get to know me better. We began chatting on Connection. I gave him my phone number and we started talking and texting every single day. He was a great guy!

It wasn't until I actually met him that I realized something was...off.

Busy...

2011-01-11T20:11:00.001-08:00

Hey guys and gals,

Sorry I've been so busy lately. I promise that I will get more posts up soon! I am sure you're all dying to hear about:

My first Connection date
The world of cybercourse
My first MoHo party
Kissing
Getting smooshed...or smashed...or...whatever...
And more...

Stay tuned!

It's My Turn

2011-01-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

We're just going to take a quick break from "The Life After" series and talk about the below for awhile.

Some of you may have asked yourself why I have removed the quote from the top of my blog. My explanation is as follows:

This is my year. Every single year previous to this one, has been a year of doing things for the praise, acceptance and expectations of others. In 2011, I am trying an experiment. I am going to do things only if I want to. I am going to be happy by not letting outward influences define who I am.

I am not going to be afraid of my sexuality or my body-image anymore. People will have to accept me for me, and not for who I am attracted to or what I look like.

I am going to stop seeking the praise of others just because it's what "I'm supposed to do", or what "is required of me".

I am choosing to live my life the way I want to.

I am making this decision because I want to see if I will be able to see a difference in the quality of life and the life experiences that I have. I want to see if my outlook of the world, people, and most importantly--myself, will change. I want to see, that my doing what makes me happy and stop worrying about what other people think will help me be a better, smarter, nicer, kinder, and more happy person.

That is why it is my year.

The Life After--Part Nine--Testicle(s)?

2011-01-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

If the real Jonathan is reading this, please know that I love you. I am telling the story of how I remember everything from my perspective of a young, naive, and sheltered gay Mormon boy. I appreciate everything that you have done for me.

I love you, buddy.

-----

Jonathan was drunk. Again.

I didn't know that Jonathan had a drinking problem until one night at the beginning of our holiday break together. I had just come home from work and I was very tired. Laying down on the couch, I started to watch TV.

Jonathan stumbled from his bedroom, shirtless.

"Andy! I missed you."

Jonathan slumped over the couch, landed on my chest, and gave me a hug.

I laughed. "I missed you, too."

He lay there for a moment.

Breathing into my face, he asked, "How was work?"

The putrid smell of alcohol almost burned my nostrils. I sat up and gently pushed him off of me.

"Have you," I hesitated to ask. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yup," he said through a smile.

"How much?"

He thought for a moment and began counting using his fingers. He started to laugh.

"I can't remember."

I sighed. I didn't think that Jonathan would go get so low as to start drinking. I had the slightest suspicion that he just didn't start tonight.

"How long have you been drinking?"

"Just tonight? Or...do you mean...if I've been drinking this whole semester?"

"The whole semester," I responded.

"Oh," he said. "It's been going on for much longer than that. I start drinking this summer when I went to my first gay club."

"Why?"

Jonathan giggled and put his head on my chest. "I like it," he said. "It makes me feel happy. I don't have to deal with being gay when I'm drunk."

I sighed. I didn't know how to respond to that. I knew that he had been having a rough couple of weeks and that he was planning on telling his parents, but I didn't know he had been having such a horrible problem with drinking.

"It's okay, though. I'm fine." He stood up and wobbled for a bit.

I just looked at him, clueless of what to do.

"D-did you know..." he was stumbling through his words. "Did you know that I only have one ball?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, Andy. I only have one ball--testicle. I had to get it removed because I had cancer."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry to hear that." I thought he was lying.

"I'm s-s-serious," he blubbered.

I turned back to the TV. He needed to go to bed.

"See?"

I looked behind me and Jonathan had his pants down.

Nope. He wasn't lying.

~End Part Nine

The Life After--Part Eight--Jonathan Comes Out

2011-01-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

I opened my cell phone. There was a text from Jonathan.

"Hey, Andy. Yes, I am gay. It is something that I am not proud of and it is not how I define my life. Thanks for being awesome. We should talk about it later."

I smiled.

"So," Katrina asked. "Is he gay?"

I noddded. "He is."

Katrina thought for a moment. "Well, at least you know now. No more guessing, right?"

"Right."

She paused. "Do you...like him or something?"

I didn't know how to answer that. Of course I appreciated our roommate "friendship". I didn't think I liked him, but...I wasn't sure. I honestly felt as if he would never like me, as I always have had low self-esteem issues. How could someone so attractive ever like someone as "fugly" as myself? He he. "Fugly..."

Katrina and I talked about Jonathan and how he didn't seem too gay--except for the Shirtless Seven incident. Jonathan loved playing basketball and football with his cousins. He would go shooting up in the canyon almost every weekend. He carved wood flutes almost every week. He had to have been the "straightest" gay guy I had ever met.

Later that night, Jonathan and I had an opportunity to talk to each other about him being gay.

It was an interesting conversation. He basically told me that he was only out to a very few select group of people. His parents didn't know and neither did any member of his family. His dad was the bishop of his ward back home and his mom was the relief society president. His cousin was in the local elders quorum presidency in our college ward and Jon was too afraid to come out to any of them. Understandable.

Over the course of the semester, Jonathan and I became very close housemates. I remember when we spent the Christmas break together. I only had four days off for Christmas and so did Jonathan. Our other roommates were gone for the full break and we had the house together. Just the two of us. Alone.

During that short week, I learned more about Jonathan and his life than I needed to. I learned about his sex life, drug life, and secret alcohol life. It was a reality check that I didn't sign up for.

But it was one that I needed to experience.

~End Part Eight

The Life After--Part Seven--Jonathan

2011-01-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

Living with Jonathan was like living with an angsty, sexually confused, and wild teenage boy--even though he was 26.

We had become very close housemates over the course of the following weeks after the "Shirtless Seven" incident, but not very good friends.

You see, a friend is someone you hang out with, go to the movies with, go to dinner with, play games with, be with, etc. A roommate is someone you simply live and interact with--and perhaps go shopping for food with.

Jonathan and I were the best of friends when we were in the house. But, if we stepped outside, we became like very distant relatives. It wasn't a bad thing, per se, but I wished we would have been able to better friends. But, I digress.

Since our "in-house" friendship was becoming closer each day, I kept on wanting to ask Jon if he was gay. I didn't know how to approach the situation. My GayDar was going off like a torpedo was about to blast through a submarine, but...Jon was the first "gay" guy who I had ever lived with. I was confused and worried. I was scared that if I asked, he would deny it and our relationship would be ruined. On the other hand, I was excited to finally have more interactions with gay people.

I had to do it. I just had to.

Later that week, I was with my friend Katrina at her house. We were sitting on her couch and casually talking about school. I was paying attention to what she was saying, but I was more intrigued about how Jon would respond to the text I just sent him:

"Jon, you are a really great roommate and a great friend. But, there is just something that I have to ask you, and that I have been wondering about you...are you gay?"

As I was checking my phone once again, Katrina closed it.

"Why do you keep checking your phone?"

I hesitated. "Oh, it's nothing."

Katrina smiled. "Andy: I know you. There's something up. What's going on?"

I didn't want to out Jon, but I didn't want to keep Katrina in the dark.

"I...I can't say," I said.

"Yes you can," she retorted.

Well, I thought, I guess I could just....change his name or something.

"There's this guy I know--"

She interrupted me. "Jon?"

I was shocked. "What? How did you...I mean...it doesn't matter who it is."

She laughed. "Just keep going."

"Anyway, there's this guy I know--who may or may not be Jon and it doesn't even matter either way--who I think may be...gay."

Katrina burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"He used to be my home teacher! I am so going to call him right now."

"No!" I shouted. I grabbed her phone from her.

"I don't think he's out...at all."

"Oh," she paused. "Well, that changes things."

"I'm asking him about it right now. I'm texting him."

My phone vibrated. This was it.

Katrina tried to take the phone.

"Nope," I said. "This is for me."

I opened the phone and read the text.

~End Part Seven

The Life After--Part Six--Jonathan and Friends Part Two

2011-01-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

Two of the Shirtless Seven were in the shower together. Sounds of laughter from the bathroom echoed down the hall and entered into my room.

Straight guys shower together, right? I mean, it's like...after foozball practice...right?

The other 5 were in Jonathan's room dancing to Lady Gaga.

Okay. Straight guys DO NOT dance to Lady Gaga. The Shirtless Seven were gay!

I tried to make it look like I was not interested in the impromptu Gay Club that had fabulously appeared in my roommates abode by walking past and forth his door going to the kitchen to get "stuff".

Every time I would walk by, I would slow down and take a peak at the party going on in his room. Jonathan wasn't really participating I noticed. He was laughing, but he seemed...confused about something. His other friends were having a great time.

"Sorry!"

I was pushed forward by a naked man.

Granted, he had a towel around his lower half, but...still.

"No," I managed to spit out. "It's alright."

I ran into my bedroom and shut the door and started to read the scriptures. Whew! That was close, I thought.

It seemed like forever until the Shirtless Seven left. When they did, the house was as quiet as a tomb. I opened my door to see if Jon had left or stayed. I walked by his room and his door was open, but he wasn't there.

I turned to the corner to enter into the living room and WHACK! I was attacked from behind.

Jonathan wrestled me to the ground. I tried to fight back, but...I mean, hey! I was a Glee club member in High School. I had always that that a Full Nelson was an adult movie title and not a part of wrestling.

He pinned me.

"Say 'Uncle'!"

"Uncle," I said.

"Louder!"

"Jon," I laughed. "Get off of me! I can't breathe, you fatty!"

"Fine," he said and rolled over.

I lay there, breathing heavily. "So, who were those guys?"

He cleared his throat. "Just some of my friends."

I hesitated and turned to him and asked, "What kind of friends?"

He smiled. "Just...some friends."

"Okay, cool."

He laughed again and stood up. "I've gotta get to bed. See you tomorrow morning."

I sighed.

"See ya."

~End Part Six

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

I hope that this New Year will be the very best for everyone.

I love you all.

Ten Top Things of Two Thousand Ten

2010-12-31T10:04:00.000-08:00

(1) Bradley Cooper

(2) Performing in the SCERA's production of "Funny Girl"

(3) Getting a really good job

(4) Robert Pattinson

(5) Learning a how to budget--a little

(6) Making mistakes

(7) Jake Gyllenhal

(8) Going to New York City

(9) Getting accepted into the Theatre Education Major at BYU-Provo

(10) Watching my niece grow up

The "Life After" posts will continue as normal soon.

The Life After--Part Five--Jonathan and Friends Part 1

2010-12-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

After my freshman year of college concluded, I saw that it was needful for me to obtain another place of residence.

My best girl friends both lived in a singles complex next to Gold's Gym. I loved hanging out with them and I thought that it would be great if I moved closer to them--since we were spending every single day and night together. We were all inseparable--and to this day, I love those two girlfriends more than anything in the world.

I moved into my new apartment and I was excited to get to know my new roommates. As I was walking down the hall to my room carrying an armful of clothes and other sundries, I bumped into Jonathan.

"Hey!" He shouted. "I'm Jon."

I was a little caught off-guard. He was pretty friendly.

"Hey," I said and tried to free my hand to shake his.

"Oh, don't worry about it. We can get to know each other later."

Jon turned and walked down the hall and out the front door.

Strange, I thought. He was friendly. Maybe a little too friendly. I distinctly remember the "Twilight Zone" theme start to play. However, Jon seemed like he was a smart and happy guy. He was tall, lean and had a great smile.

"Meh," I said and continued to unpack. "It's probably nothing. I mean, what are the chances of living with a gay guy, right?"

Later that night, as I was just finishing up my move, I heard a loud commotion coming from the living room. It sounded as if there was Frat party going on. There were shouts, screams, and...giggles of delight?

I ran/walked to the front room to be greeted by about 7 shirtless guys. Jonathan was in the middle of them and they were all just hanging out.

"Andy!" Jon exclaimed,"What to go swimming with us?"

I blushed. "Oh," I stammered. "I...can't. I don't have a swimsuit."

One of the guys perked up. "Well, you don't need one, do you?"

They all laughed.

"Well," Jon continued. "If you want to come and join us, you are more than welcome."

"Okay," I quickly replied. "Have fun!"

With that, the Shirtless Seven dashed out the door and to the complex swimming pool. As they did, I crossed to the balcony window to watch them run with glee and jump into the warm waters. Were they all gay? They seemed like it. But, I mean...don't straight guys play together in the pool? I laughed out loud. No, straight guys don't "play" in the pool together at all.

Later that night, I learned a little more about the friends that Jon invited over and who Jonathan was. It wouldn't be until a few months later that Jonathan became more than just a roommate or good friend to me. He would become something much more...

~End Part 5

The Life After--Part Four--A Matis Fireside

2010-12-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

The Nerf gun fight quickly ended.

The next Monday, Nate had invited me to go to a Matis Fireside. For those of you who don't know what they are, they are firesides for Mormon Homosexuals--Moho's. They are held in Lehi at the Stake Center every second Sunday of every month.

Nate would already be in Lehi, so I had to get a ride from someone else. Luckily, Ty was available and he said that he would be able to give me ride to the fireside. We headed to Lehi. Since he was a prominent figure at the fireside, he told me that he wouldn't be able to stay by my side. I told him that that was fine.

We drove up to the chapel and went inside. I looked for Nate, but he wasn't there. So, I had to sit alone. Which was fine; I got a chance to scope out who came to these kinds of meetings.

It was interesting. I saw men with their wives, I saw some men holding hands together, I saw a lot of hugging, I saw some younger men about my age and I saw some women as well. It was an eclectic group of people; a group that I had not expected. Brian was there, too. But he was sitting with a group of friends and I didn't want to bother him.

So, I sat alone and watched the fireside.

When it was over, we all headed over to the Matis's home for some refreshments.

I was hugged. A lot.

To tell you the truth, I was very overwhelmed. It was the first time in my life that I had been around so many other guys who liked other guys. I was afraid that there would be those who would try to "hook-up" with me. I was afraid that there would be those who would want to get to know me better. I honestly wasn't ready for the experience.

I wanted to go home.

Luckily for me, Brian had to leave early and offered me a ride. I was nervous to ride home with him because (1) I didn't know him (2) He was--gasp!--gay and (3) I thought he was really attractive.

When he dropped me off at my apartment, I leaned over to give him a hug. Since I had been around so much hugging at the Matis fireside, I just assumed that hugging was how gay LDS guys greeting and said goodbye to each other.

He stopped me.

"We don't have to hug," he said and extended his hand.

I shook it and walked into my apartment.

Oddly enough, that one simple line of "We don't have to hug" prevented me from going to any more Matis firesides for three years. I love contact with other people--especially guys. I didn't think that there would be anything wrong with trying to hug a fellow MoHo. Sadly, his "rejection" of my offer to hug him really hurt me. I don't know why...it just did.

I do not blame Brian, but I blame myself. I thought I was being too forward. I thought that he thought I was weird. I thought that, because he didn't want to hug, that no one other gay Mormon would want to hang out with me.

Thankfully, I got over it. But, it took a very long time.

During those three years, however, I would come to learn more about myself, roommates, more about the secret MoHo world, and the detrimental affects of alcohol.

~End Part Four

The Life After--Part Three--The Underground

2010-12-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

I thought that I would never see Nate again. I knew that he had an interesting time on our last "date" by simply seeing that I wasn't ready to be in the real world.

However, Nate was kind enough to let me "lay low" for about two weeks. We still emailed and spoke on Facebook. During that time, I started my BYU Freshman experience--as a 21 year-old.

Regardless of being in all classes with freshman, I had a good time. I met some nice people, but, none of them had my type of humor or attitude. I needed some good, solid, theatre friends to hang out with. But that's another story. Let's focus on the Utah Valley Moho Underground.

Nate and I decided to hang out again. He picked me up at my new apartment and we drove to his place. He lived in a new development near the edge of the mountain in Southern Provo. As we were pulling up, he said, "Now, Andy. I didn't tell you this before, but I live with 4 other gay Mormon guys. So...just don't get weirded out."

"Okay..." I said.

He put the car in park and turned it off. As I got out of the car, Nate headed to the front steps of the condo--where there were apparently 4 other gay people living there. I was shocked, to say the least. I thought that all gay Mormon boys were trying to live a nice, celibate lifestyle. I was sure that to live with other gay people would spell trouble.

The condo was nice--very nice. Granite counter tops, vaulted ceilings, stainless steel appliances--and it was spotless. Of course 4 gay men lived here. It was meticulously decorated and smelled nice, too. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe this isn't so bad.

Nate showed me around the house and showed me his bedroom, which he shared with Brian*. Brian seemed like a nice guy.

He then showed me the living room. As I turned the corner, there sat the poster child of same-gender attraction for LDS men. It was Ty.

By this time, Brian and Nate were chatting it up about some new jean and looking through a magazine of GQ. Nate seemed like he was ignoring me. So, I sat down on the couch opposite Ty. He was watching Animal Planet.

"So...." I said, occasionally glancing back at Nate and Brian. "Do you live here, too?"

Ty laughed. "No, but I own the place. I'm down here for a conference."

"Oh, cool." I said, looking at the ground.

"How do you know Nate?" He asked.

"Um, we met online about two years ago on the message board for LDS SSA guys. I just got back home from my mission. We were in pretty good contact even though I was halfway across the world."

He wryly smiled. "Cool."

By this time, I could tell that Ty was more interested in the plants and animals on the screen, so I got up and went back to the kitchen where Nate and Brian and proceeded to find toy Nerf guns and start shooting them at one another.

I tried to join in, but...I was still trying to put together all the information of gay LDS guys living together that, and I wasn't really having fun.

"DUCK!" Shouted Nate.

"Where?" I asked.

FWOOM! A Nerf bullet smacked me in the head.

"Oh, it's on!" I shouted.

~End Part Three

My parents may be separating...

2010-12-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

Long story short: My mom told me today that my dad and her had talked about separating for a while. I didn't know what to say to her so, I didn't say too much of anything.

This is coming as quite a shock to me. I never thought that my parents would have separated, ever.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

I wish I was back home in Provo so I could be held by one of you guys. I'm really scared.

A kind of Hellish Christmas...

2010-12-25T18:23:00.001-08:00

Hey guys and gals,

I'll be posting more of my series later on this week. I'm with my family right now...and oh boy, is that fun.

There are two things that make me hate going home for Christmas with my family.

(1) My mother is in an eternal power struggle with my little sister. My mom tries to be the queen of the household, and my little sister tries to be the queen of the household and their personalities clash constantly. For me, its sad and breaks my heart. But, I know that as my little sister gets older (she's almost 18) and as my mother grows older and their relationship pulls apart that it will get more "normal". But, what is normal anyway?

(2) My parents, more importantly my mother, loves her grandchild. My older sister has a daughter with another child on the way. My mom makes things for my niece, spends times with her, etc.

I may never get to please my parents with grandchildren. If I stay single, I won't have any kids. If I get a partner and we adopt, I know my mom wouldn't want me over at the house, so...it's just kind of depressing.

Furthermore, I watched as my parents looked lovingly at my older sister and her husband cuddle on the couch with their daughter. I know I can never have that. It won't happen. Maybe...if I were to get a partner, that in 20 years, when my parents are on their deathbeds that they would come around to the idea. I just know that I wouldn't be accepted in my parents home. I know, because I've asked them and that's what they've told me.

Meh...anyway...I don't want to sound depressed on such a joyous day! I just want to me able to find my own happiness.

The Life After--Part Two--Meeting Nate

2010-12-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

Throughout my entire mission, I had been in contact with a fellow Moho. His name was Nate*. We had met on an online support group about a year prior to my leaving the states. We emailed each other regularly. There was even one moment that we chatted on MySpace.

When I got home, he was one of the first people I got into contact with. He was my age, tall and had blonde hair. I shot him a quick email to let him know that I got home safely. Over that short week, we talked a little and chatted online some more. We eventually decided to go on a date when I got into Utah.

Since I was only home for one short week, I didn't unpack. We threw everything into the van and headed to Provo, UT.

It was a 12 hour trip. Just my mother and I.

I talked mainly about the mission: the joys, the heartache, the hardships, etc. I vaguely remember talking about homosexuality and where I stood. I did not tell my mother that I was planning on meeting up with Nate when we arrived at my Aunt's house.

When we finally got into town, I immediately ran to my cousin's computer to see if he had responded to my last email. I opened up my Hotmail account. Yes! He had written back!

"ANDY! Ok, i think I'm going to be in Provo tonight, if you want to hang out call my cell at 801.xxx.xxx after 7:30. I'll send this to you on facebook too, anyway.... yeah, call me if you can hang out. Or maybe we can hang out tomorrow if tonight doesn't work out."

I nearly peed. I was going to "hang out" with Nate! And...everyone knows that "hanging out" is the equivalent of going on a date.

I wrote back.

"Yeah, we can probably do something tonight. I don't know what we would do. There's not much to do on a Sunday. I am going to have some more family over here. How long are you staying up here?"

He responded.

"Up here? erm, I'm going to be going to spanish fork to check on my mom's cats in a couple. how about this afternoon? I can do anything from now until around 10ish. we can make some cookies or something at my house. anywyay. give me a call when you can get away."

I was free that night. I gave him a quick call and he picked me up at my Aunt's house. It was the first time we had ever met in real life. As I walked to his car, my heart was pounding. I had always been attracted to him--even it was online. But, I was an awkward returned missionary. How could he ever find me attractive?

I opened the car door, and sat down. I turned to look at Nate.

"Welcome home, Elder Artaxerxes."

I laughed. "Thanks."

He reached over and gave me a quick hug.

"So," he said. "What do you want to do?"

He, with his blonde hair and blue eyes, looked back. He smiled.

I was so nervous that I couldn't really speak.

He chuckled a bit. "How about we just go for a drive?"

"Yeah," I said without paying attention, "...a drive sounds...nice."

He started the car and we went for a drive.

Honestly, I cannot remember a single thing that we talked about. Internally, I was waging a huge battle between all the thoughts of still "being a missionary" and what my body and mind were wanting, and what the church wanted, and what my parents would think, and if someone found out I went on a date with a guy, and--

"Andy?" Nate asked, pulling me out of the battlefield. "Are you okay?"

I had to be honest. "I...just...don't know what I want right now."

He smiled a small smile. "Well, you did just get off the mission, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I replied.

He sighed. "Well. I don't want to make any of this harder than it needs to be. I'll take you back."

He turned around. I took a deep breath. I didn't know what to do. At every street corner we passed, the light cast a wonderful glow on his hair. He was just...great. But, I knew that my parents would be very disappointed in me if they knew I was on a date with another guy.

When we reached my Aunt's house, I simply said, "Thanks for the drive. It was great to finally get to meet you."

I could tell he was a little disappointed.

"Yeah, it was..."

I shut the door.

I thought that that experience with Nate was going to be last one with him. But, I was wrong. I saw him again the next week, and learned much more about myself and the secret underground gay Provo scene.

The Life After--Part One--Customer Service

2010-12-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

My mission ended as quick as it had begun--or, so it felt.

The last night before leaving the mission was one of the strangest nights I've ever experienced. I lay awake in my bed, shaking uncontrollably. I was shaking for fear of the future, the excitement of going home, the opportunities that lay ahead, the friends I would hope to make, and the life that would finally be mine to live.

I remember sitting on the plane going from Lisboa to London, and watching my home for the last 2 years, slowly shrink away. I shed a few tears of sadness, but, they were quickly ebbed as I thought again of the new life that I was given.

Immediately upon returning home, my parents took me to Chili's. I had never actually been to Chili's before, so it was exciting for two reasons: (1) Because I had never been there before and (2) I was so ready to eat a classic All-American cheeseburger and fries.

When we got entered the restaurant, I was shocked by how clean it was. The floor was shiny, the air smelled great, and there were absolutely zero flies. It was nice. Sitting down, our waitress came to the table. I was still in missionary attire, and my little brothers and sisters kept on asking me hundreds of questions. The waitress was taking our drink order.

When she finally was ready to take my order I asked, "How much are re-fills of Diet Coke?"

She looked back at me with a blank stare.

"Ummm...re-fills are free."

I was shocked. "Really? Wow. Okay, great! I'll have a Diet Coke, then."

She smirked a little and went off to go get our drinks. My family burst out in laughter.

I was a little confused. "What's so funny?"

My little brother, Alex, chimed in. "Re-fills are free, dummy."

I had completely forgotten! We're in America now, dumbass! I thought. The "land of the free" and the "home of the free re-fills"! Our waitress came back with our drink and set it down. As quick as I could, I chugged the entire drink before she had finished setting down the drinks.

She looked at me as if I has some strange soda fetish.

"I-I'll get you another one," she said, crossing the restaurant.

My family was staring at me.

"What? I have to get my money's worth."

They laughed again. The entire night was filled with questions from my little brothers and sisters, some side stories of what happened--minus the homo-erotic ones--and just good, all-around Artaxerxes fun.

When we left, I asked my dad to give the waitress a substantial tip.

"Why?"

"Because she was amazing."

My older sister rebutted. "She wasn't that good, Andy."

Again, the shock came. "Are you serious? I mean, come on! She gave us drinks and stuff..."

I thought for a moment. I guess my older sister was right.

I just wasn't used to good customer service. In Portugal, you're lucky to get a full can of soda when you eat at a restaurant. In Portugal, people don't really say please and thank you. And, they never tip. Ever. It's a cultural thing. I remember when I tried to give a sandwich lady a tip. She looked at the Euro in my hand like it was carrying the black plague. She refused it.

Anyway, we left Chili's and we headed to the hotel to stay the night.

After my first night in a real bed, we headed home and I was released from being a missionary. I started watching all the movies I missed out on, reading all the books that I missed, catching up on TV shows, and eating too much American food.

One short week after returning home, I was shipped off again to BYU.

And that, my friends, is when everything changed.

~End Part One

Getting ready for the new series...

2010-12-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

Hey guys and gals,

Cover page of my research paper.

Thank you for the overwhelming response to my recent blog posts! I am glad you enjoyed reading about my mission as much as I did writing it. It was a little painful to bring up some old wounds and some stories I thought I would never share...but it was cathartic and worth it.

Now, I'd like to share with you my research paper. I'm not going to post it in sequential segments, but to find a PDF version of the paper, click here.

Starting later today or early tomorrow morning, there will be a new series. It will be interesting, strange and steamy--to say the least. So, stay tuned.

Have a super happy Tuesday! Merry Chrismashanakwansa!

Keep Treading Water

Problems with Religion

How Being Gay Made me Fat

Who I Came out to First

When I Knew what "GAY" Meant

How could I *not* have known?

The LGBTQ Challenge

Wrong. Again.

Everything...

Ginger men are sexy...

The Motivation Wall

The One That Got Away

PopsiclestickSixgun

Gays in the Church

Growth, Non-Mormon Friends, and My Testimony

A new school...

New BYU Counselor!

A rant..about the church.

People say...

Absolutely Andy

Coming out on Facebook...

Blacks, Gays, and the Future of the Church

What my mother said...

Saudades

Brokeback Mountain

Possessed by *FEMALE DEMONS*

Apparently, I'm "possessed".

Counseling at BYU

What are they doing?!

College Life-Part Two-"A Broken Gaydar"

College Life-Part One-"It all Began in the HFAC"

Butter's Speech

Could I do it, too?

5 Celebrities Who I'd Get "Hanky-Panky" With

Am I the ONLY one?

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

I am too afraid to be with him; so here we are...

Pandora's Box of Church History

My New Nephew!

A Call for Testimonies

Learning to be Happy

The White Horse Prophecy

Grabbing life by the balls...

The Younger Years: Part One "Ken"

New Design and New Series

Rant. Rant. Rant.

Dare to Shine

How to Talk to Boys

Never Forgotten

A Dream...

One Cannot Live Without the Other

The End and the Beginning

"If there's anyone who can do it...

I MADE THE CUT!!!

My Dream Partner

The Man in the Rear-View Mirror

Getting more Conflicted...

Come See Me Perform. Today.

Yup. I'm the only one.

Detox

I...am...Sisyphus!

The Book of Mormon Musical

God is Far Away...Which Makes Me Confused

Bare-A Pop Opera

Just because...

The Mormon Proposition

Why I Love my Dad

The Iron Age and my Testimony

"The Realignment"

BYU Kicks out Gays

A Stupid Mistake

Like A Child

Who am I Now?

Gay Men, Old Love, and the Book of Mormon

The Life After--Part Fifteen--MoHo's Have Parties?

The SuperBowl

Let Loose the Horses--Script Preview

The Life After--Part Fourteen--Hungover

The Life After--Part 13--Strong Drinks Are Not for the Belly

So busy...

How could I not have known?

Possessed by FEMALE DEMONS