How much does God want to see me succeed in this life? What does he want from me? Do I even care if I know that or not? If God was really looking out for me, then why the Hell am I gay and why the Hell am I Mormon? These are the two worst things that could possibly be put together.
I know that God exists. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and through His blood, I can be washed clean. I know this. I know this. I have felt the healing power of Christ in my life. Dozens of times.
This knowledge of God, Jesus, and the afterlife have all subsequently kept me from getting into the “nitty-gritty” of being gay. Sure. I’ve kissed a boy. Sure. I’ve gotten drunk once. Why haven’t I gone any further?
Because, deep down, I feel that this is not what God wants me to do. I know that this is not what God wants me to do.
Crap. Here I go again. Trying to reconcile my faith and my homosexuality. Geez. Well, it really doesn’t work, I can tell you that much. Being gay and being a devout member of any religion is like oil and water. Especially with the Mormon church. Which, I’ll have you know, is what I believe to be correct.
So, what do I do now? I want to have my own children. I want to be a father, a daddy. I want to have a family with a wife. I do want these things.
Do I leave the gay culture behind? What do I do? Do I still support them?
Seriously. Being gay and Mormon sucks. Big time.
You're gay. Do Not Marry A Woman. I did it and now we have shitload of problems to sort through. The gay does not go away. You will be miserable. Don't believe what NorthStar or Evergreen tell you. Leave the church. Be your own kind of gay man and live a happy life being who you are. It's a hard road, but being true to yourself is best for you and ALL of the people you love.
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha, I hear you. I'm going through the same things, ugh. I agree with the comment above: be TRUE to yourself. Such good advice, but so hard.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I couldn't outright leave the Church and feel I was being true to myself. That said, I don't discount the possibility that could happen, but it would probably happen gradually as I found things that did for me what "the Gospel" does and were able to replace it. Do such things exist? Maybe. I'm open to it.
Don't stress, you don't have to figure everything out all at once. Ha ha, so easy to *say*...
Have you ever heard of the website Cor Invictus? You should check it out. I mean, being in Provo (right?) you probably have the chance to be around tons of people in a similar situation, but it's always good to expand your network.
I agree with Anon also. I wanted kids too. I bought into the notion that I (if anyone) could make a marriage work and be damned with all the naysayers. I've come to realize I was selfish. Yes I have kids that I love dearly. I have a wife that I love as much as a gay man can, but everyday I live in a state of conflict. The church does not have the lock on spirituality and happiness. Many people experience full and rich lives without ever having set foot in a Mormon chapel. You think life sucks now, bring a woman into your life who has a right to be loved totally and you can't give it to her. That really sucks.
ReplyDeleteI think everything that has been said is really good advice. I know it seems impossible to be happy and not be an active member of the church... but I believe that is because we have been indoctrinated to believe that. When you start having significant meaningful relationships, you will realize that those relationships give you something much more substantial than anything religion can give you. But you have to give yourself a chance to really see what it is a healthy relationship can do for you and your happiness.
ReplyDeleteThe picture of the perfect family and happy life has been burned into our minds. And that image consists of a wife and kids in a nice house. At some point we all have to reject that as the only image of happiness. So many people have just that and are miserable. Others have something that is far from that picture and love life. Marrying a woman would be a mistake. It won't fix your situation and it won't make you happy.