How Being Gay Made me Fat

Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

Although my inner turmoil did not escalate to self-injury...wait. No. It has. Do you know what it has done for me? It has made me become addicted to food. Let me see if I can explain myself better.

In the Church, we are taught that if we do what's right, become perfect, eventually, we will become like God and live forever in His presence throughout eternity with our families.

I've wanted that, and living in the church has made me never want to do anything "wrong" so I could live with my family.

I knew that if I turned to food, it would (1) help me feel better and (2) create a physical, protective layer of fat to keep me from having sex with a man.

So yes, this inner turmoil has led to self injury. I was addicted to food. I gained a lot of weight because of it. I turned to food to comfort me, and to protect me from sin.

I am trying to turn away from food as a source of comfort. I am trying to turn to friends, or exercise, or something else that isn't harmful to bring me comfort.

I could go on, for pages and pages, about the inner turmoil. However, I think this will suffice.

What has the inner turmoil done to you? 

Who I Came out to First

Day 4:

Who did you come out to first? Tell that story. 


The first person I came out to was my cousin, Bryce. Every summer, my mom took my older sister and I up to Utah to spend the vacation with my aunt and our cousins. Bryce and I were basically brothers.

When I was about 16 years old, I remember chatting with him on MSN Messenger. After a few hours of beating around the bush, I told him that I was gay.

He responded, "So, what? You're still the same person you were. It doesn't bother me."

That simple response helped give me the courage to come out to my other cousins, my best friends, and then to my mom and dad when I was 17 years old.

When I Knew what "GAY" Meant

Day 3: How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I knew I was different at around age 5. I didn't know, however, that those feelings were immoral or unnatural until I was about 12 years old. I was in the 6th Grade, and one of my good friends, Reed, was telling me a story of how he caught his older brother...ahem...you know...flogging aunt Molly...in his bedroom.

I remember having those twinging feelings of excitement again, and I asked my friend. "How big was he?"

Reed turned to me and said, "Gross. What do you think I am, gay?"

The other guys at the lunchroom table started laughing.

I played it off. "I was just kidding."

I knew then, that being "gay" or, being excited about other boys, was something to be laughed at. From then on, I kept my "gay" comments to myself.

How could I *not* have known?

Day 2 of the LGBTQ Challenge:

Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

As many of you may already know, I knew as early as 5 years old. My parents had given me a Ken Barbie doll for Christmas. It was a harmless decision, but one that I treasured for years. At night, I would hide Ken underneath my pillow, and, after my mom--or dad--had tucked me in, I would take Ken out and slowly undress him, and kiss his body. Even at that young age, I knew that I was different. I didn't know that I was gay, but I knew that I liked to be around men.

That was my earliest "gay" memory.

Oh, and dancing around the porch in a dress, with the Ruby Slippers and Glinda's wand.

The LGBTQ Challenge

Guys. I've got a big announcement to make.

I mean, it's huge. What is it? Ahh!

Should I tell you?

Okay. Okay. I'll let you know.

I'm GAY! Bet you never saw that one coming, did ya? 

Yup. It's true. I'm gay. 100%, Kinsey 6 gay. Watch out, world. I'm pretty awesome, too. Gay + awesome = more awesomeness. 

Wrong. Again.

Man. I hate it when I'm wrong about a guy. Usually, I'm pretty dang good about calling out the gay ones here on campus.

You see, one of the actors in the play that I ran the lights for...well...I thought he was gay. I mean, he was super touchy-feel-y with me backstage and stuff, and I always wondered about him.

But, after strike tonight, we all go to IHOP...and he brings his girlfriend.

Oh, well. I didn't invest too much thinking on him. What's worse, though, is feeling like I've got my Gay Card revoked.

Stupid theatre guys. They're so confusing.

Everything...

...is working out for my benefit. Life is good. Life is sweet. The perfect job and my life are coming together in harmony.

My talents and gifts are being crafted in such a way that I will be able to share them with the world.

Aren't affirmations awesome? I totally believe in living life to the fullest, and being an optimist. Sometimes, I can be a realist, but...for the most part...I like to believe that everything in life is awesome. Because it is.

Ginger men are sexy...

That's right. I have a thing for gingers. I'm not sure what makes me so attracted to them. Is it because, as a young boy, I thought Ariel was the coolest thing ever? Do I even need an excuse? No. Because they are awesome.

The Motivation Wall

Do you guys remember when I made a motivation wall about a year and a half ago? I do. And, as I recall, I got much success from it.

This is the wall from my old apartment.


Using this wall, I was able to lose over 34 lbs in about 5 months. Which, I think, was pretty awesome.

I've gained a lot of that weight back. Since I have been involved in "A Second Birth", "The School for Husbands", "The Women of Lockerbie", "The Merchant of Venice", "Haunting Julia", and "The Elephant Man" (all shows at BYU), I haven't had any time to go to the gym.

So, I made another Motivation Wall in my new apartment room.

I do believe that the second Motivation Wall is much better than the first. It seems more...classy for some reason.

Anyway, I'm just posting this here....just 'cause. Wish me luck, you guys...and ladies!

Love ya!

The One That Got Away

There's always one person who gets away.

For me, it happened on my mission.

How different would my life be if I would have been honest with him? If I would have told him that I was gay? I got so close to being happy with another man while on my mission. I got so close to telling him.

Now, he's off living his dream. With another man.

Lesson learned? Speak up next time.

PopsiclestickSixgun

Check out our YouTube Channel, here!

What is this? Well, it's a brand-new online comedy sketch group. Created by my friend Jona and I. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever.

What's it similar to? CollegeHumor

What do we want? To become YouTube famous.

Gays in the Church

Today was the first time I've been to Church in about two months. I went because a member of the bishopric had to speak with me. I thought he was going to address my inactivity. I was wrong. He asked me if my calling was interfering with my schedule. I'm and FHE Group Leader. It's not. I mean, I had one rehearsal during FHE, once...anyway...that's not the point. That's just the reason why I went to Church today.

I just wonder why gay men--and women--go to Church. Again, I honestly don't know if I believe in what the Church teaches. If the Church believes that they seek after anything that is "lovely, praiseworthy, or of good report", then why can't they abide gay marriage? A church that bullies against gays is not a church I want to be a part of.

I have some gay friends who go to my ward. They go more often that I do. I just don't understand.

For you gay men and women out there who still attend the Mormon faith...why do you do it?

Growth, Non-Mormon Friends, and My Testimony

This Fall Semester is almost over. It's quite amazing how faster time flies when you're having fun. In my case, rehearsing, rehearsing, rehearsing. 

So far:

• I'm running the lights for the upcoming production of "The Elephant Man". 
• I've been in two Mask Club performances here. 
• I've been cast in the 536 project, "The Women of Lockerbie"
• Rehearsing and directing small scenes for TMA 336
• I am rehearsing for the Young Company's version of "The Merchant of Venice", set to start touring and performing sometime in Winter Semester. 

Yeah. I am pretty busy. But, it's helping me grow and learn and become a better person. 

Next point of business: Non-Mormon friends. I really appreciate non-Mormon people and friends. They hold less grudges and are way less judging. For some reason, non-Mormons--who are still religious--are so much more like Christ than the Mormons I know within the Church. My non-Mormon friends want me to be happy. They want me to get a boyfriend. They want me to do what I feel is best for myself. Some of my Mormon friends do not feel that way. Some of my Mormon friends think that I am going to be sent to Hell for being gay. I hope they can change the way that they think, for I feel slightly ostracized from my Mormon friends who love be, but cannot fully accept me. 

Lastly, my testimony. I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. I'm just learning to love myself and be happy with who I am. I am sure that God lives, and that Jesus Christ died for me, and through His grace I am saved, but...the whole...Mormon thing...is kinda...dwindling down right now. But...seriously? It's amazing how much of a burden has been lifted since I've stopped focusing so much time and energy on Church-y things.