What are they doing?!

I know a lot of gay people in the LDS community, as many of you do. They are upstanding men. Some are trying to balance a life of homosexuality while still serving in the Church. Others are struggling to deny themselves of their homosexual feelings and staying in the Church. A handful are simply leaving. And then, then--there are those gay men in the LDS community who are getting married.

Now, don't get me wrong. Marriage is wonderful. However, when I see these young men who I know what they've done, what guys they've dated, and what lives they have pretended to lead, and I see them getting married and trying to fit the perfect LDS "mold", I am afraid for them.

I am afraid for them because I know that, most likely, their marriage will fail. Out of all the mixed-orientation-marriages that I have seen, 99% of them have failed. Both partners know of the same-sex attraction, and both think, that through the power of Christ and the gospel, that by being married...somehow...it will all go away...or, that by doing what's right, they will be the exception and they will be able to stay together.

Forgive me for being a pessimist, but...I don't think that's how it works.

Is there any hope for these gay LDS men and women who are getting married to a straight spouse?

I know some of you are doing it right now--quite successfully. What makes your marriage work?

Some of you have done it and failed. Why?

College Life-Part Two-"A Broken Gaydar"

There's a common misconception in the theatre world. Many people think that every guy who takes a theatre class, or acting class, or studies theatre, is gay. Well, that's just not the case--as you will see in the following post.

We were just asked to choose a scene partner for an improve activity in my acting class. It being nearly two weeks into the new semester, I had just about knew who I wanted to work with. And he was walking around looking for a partner. 

I extended my arm, spread my fingers and said, "Who wants to be my partner?"

He walked up to me, interlocked his fingers with mine and said, "I'll be your partner."

I nearly choked with excitement. You see, I had thought that this boy was gay. Why? Well, he was good-looking, in theatre, and was single. Naturally, naturally, I thought he played for my team. 

We set a time to work with each other. We would meet at his apartment that same night to work on our scene. 

On my way there, I was nervous, scared, excited, doubtful, and shameful. I mean, what if he wasn't gay? I would look like a fool. 

And...I did. To myself, anyway. 

I remember how he brought up his girlfriend from high school, and how he talked about the cuter girls in our acting class. 

I could only sit there and smile, thinking to myself, "You've gots a crappy gaydar, my friend. You need to learn how to hone that skill."

So I did. I vowed to never have a broken gaydar again. Since that time, it has never failed. Ever. Except for that one time...but that's another story. 

~End Part Two

College Life-Part One-"It all Began in the HFAC"

After my mission was over, I headed back home to Arizona for one week before leaving my family again to start my adult life at BYU. 

I didn't know what to expect. I had only been on BYU's campus twice before--both times for a show choir youth camp. Back then, I stayed pretty much in the confines of the Knight Magnum Building (which has since been replaced by a grassy knoll and parking lot) and Heritage Halls. 

When I stepped onto campus as a 21 year old recently returned missionary, I was nervous. This was my time to shine; my time to become the person who I wanted to become; my new life. 

My first class was a Book of Mormon class for recently returned missionaries. On my way to find the JSB, I got lost--multiple times--and then had to resign asking someone how to get there...which for some reason was embarrassing. I was feeling out-of-place, and out-of-whack. 

It wasn't until I stepped into the HFAC that I felt like I was home. All around me, there were students laughing, singing, playing instruments, etc. Abstract artwork was displayed in the lobby. People were gathering around the slabs at the north and south ends of the building.

I was running a little late for my beginning acting class, and I headed downstairs into one of the basement rooms. 

Little did I know, my life would be changed forever by the people I met in that room...probably because I basically proposed to one of them.

-End Part One

Butter's Speech

I love Southpark.

Cartman Sucks
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Could I do it, too?

David Baker recently blogged about an experience he had when giving a talk in his new ward. 99.9% of his talk doesn't mention his sexuality. However, one sentence does. He said,

An old roommate of mine had this list of characteristics and qualities he wanted in a wife that he would take out and compared all the girls he dated to. He shared that list with me once and he was seeking “a woman who is temple-worthy, maternal, humorous, adventurous, empathetic, hopeful, attractive, healthy, and friendly”. Despite the absurdity of such a list it worked and his wife is awesome. His success inspired me to create my own list of what qualities I wanted in my husband.

 Yes, he said that he wanted to create a list of qualities for his husband. Using the link above, you can go to his blog and hear the reaction from the congregation. For most of the young single adults, they thought he was joking. Of course, he wasn't.

Which makes me beg the question, "Could I do it, too?" Meaning, could I stand in front of my singles ward and say, "Hey, my boyfriend and I were driving and we had this great spiritual experience..." or "If I ever find my husband...". You know...things like that. I don't know if I have the courage to be so...out.

For some reason, his courage and his determination to live in the LDS world and be openly gay depresses me. I don't have his courage and I don't have his determination. Does that mean I am less than him? I don't think so. But...it's true...I am more afraid than he is.

I live in the freakin' Mecca of Mormons. Provo, UT. Yup. I'm pretty sure if I were to say something like that, I would be whisked off to the Honor Code Office--without knowing what would happen.

What about you? Are you comfortable enough with telling your ward about your sexuality?

5 Celebrities Who I'd Get "Hanky-Panky" With

(1) Anne Hathaway

Yup. She's got a kind of classic style, which is a big turn on. Well, maybe the hanky-panky would only be clothes and make-overs with her...perhaps we could throw in a little cuddling.

(2) Ryan Reynolds

Well, I mean...they say a pictures worth a thousand words. This one's worth 3 bajillion.

(3) Emma Stone

She was amazing in "Easy A". She was hilarious in "House Bunny". And I've heard she is outstanding in "The Help." Her wit, charm, and hotness have won her a chance with Andy...well...if Hell were to freeze over anyway. 

(4) Will Arnett

If his character on "Arrested Development" is anything like himself in real life, then sign me up for a date! He seems super awesome, funny, charismatic, and nice. 

(5)  Anderson Cooper

I mean, I've always found him kinda attractive. However, it wasn't after this clip that I really learned to swoon for Cooper. You'll see. 

Am I the ONLY one?

You know what? 

I'm starting to think that I am the only guy from my mission who I knew that is gay. I'm being completely serious.  Everyone who I have served with is either dating a girl, engaged, or married. 

And that's all I wanted to say. 

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

If you struggle with your weight--as most Americans do--you may want to sit down and watch the documentary film, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".


It's a film about an Australian man with a rare skin condition which was completely cured by his determination to eat right, exercise, and lose weight as he traveled the United States.

How did he do it? Juice fasting. Every meal. For 60 days.

Now, it may seem a little extreme, but he was able to get all the nutrients he needed from the juice drinks he made. He would make the drink from apples, kale, spinach, tomatoes, onions, etc. All the vitamins, nutrients, protein, and fiber he needed to survive came from the juice.

Joe lost 67 lbs in 60 days. He found an extremely overweight man on his weight-loss journey who weighed over 415 lbs. His name was Phil.

Phil began a juice diet...and a short 3 months later, lost over 201 lbs.

Why am I talking about this? Well, because I want to do it.

Does anyone out there have any experience with juicing? If so, what combinations of fruits/vegetables do you think are the best palpable and healthy? What do you recommend I use to juice?

I am too afraid to be with him; so here we are...

The below text comes from a website called, Woolf and Wilde. I love this story. It's heartbreaking, touching, and tragic. I hope you'll enjoy it. 

There was only ever one reason I agreed to go out with Lillian, which was so that I could go out with Christopher. On double dates, you see. A cruel thing to do to her, yes, but Chris stopped “us”– him and I being together, I mean. I couldn’t bear it. I can’t bear it. He’s my life. I have to have him near.

After his mother and father saw us asleep on his bed the morning they came home early from vacation, things have never been the same. Neither of us heard his parents coming in. When they opened his door, we were wearing nothing but an air of perfect contentment, no bed sheets covering us or anything because it had been very warm that August night. Wrapped in each other’s arms, our four hairy legs intertwined like some kind of slip-knot, we were found out. Chris unravelled. It undid him.

His father told him he’d never have a career, and his mother cried for two days. Christopher said we’d drunk too much and it wasn’t what it looked like. They believed him, because they needed to.

He won’t be alone with me ever since then. It all just stopped. His passion and affection toward me — the intimacy we’ve had and hidden by necessity for 17 months — have been smothered by convention. Now he and Betty Ash are an item, and I’m his past.

I’d do anything just to be in his presence, still, ergo the charade of dating Lillian. If I believed in God, I’d ask him to forgive me for this. For now, I am playing along. I swallow the sight of Chris holding Betty when they dance; a little piece of me dies, accompanied by an orchestra. But at least this way, being on a silly double date with a sweet girl who’s like a sister to me, I can still touch his skin, even if it means reaching across the table for my glass and brushing his hand as if by accident.

Just that little bit of electricity is what keeps me going, really.

Christopher is too afraid to be with me, I am too afraid to be without him, and so here we are.

Text: Kenneth Hill
Image: Unknown

Pandora's Box of Church History

So, I haven't been doing that great with the other 6 months of this experiment. I mean, yes...I've been going to church--all three hours, and I've been trying to be a better person...but...gosh dangit! My D&C class from this last semester has opened a Pandora's box of unanswered questions. 

The box has opened all the crazy, black bits of the Mormon church...and honestly? My testimony is seriously waning because of it. Without going too deep, just the simple fact that Cowdery used folk magic, 14 different versions of the First Vision, and other issues have almost completely eradicated my testimony. And, most of this, I learned in a BYU religion class. 

Now, I believe in God and I believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. However, my views of God are changing. I don't see him as a vengeful God who broke my wrist or made me lose my job because I asked for more "faith and patience". I see God more as a positive force in the world and universe that helps direct people to do good. 

That all being said--I have not completely lost my testimony. There is still a part of me that is telling me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church. But, is this simply an idea that has been plowed into my head since I was a child? I mean, what if the Church isn't true? My religious life is over. 

I do not want to open a Pandora's box of comments, but I am wondering: 

• If the Church isn't true, how can I cope with losing such a major part of my life?
• If the Church is true, how can I gain back such a major part of my life?

My New Nephew!

Tomorrow, I'm on my way home to visit! I can't wait to see my new nephew, Max!

Images courtesy of Pretty Pixel Photography.

A Call for Testimonies

What is a testimony? Is it a reassurance that we're not the only people in the universe? Is it a knowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church on this earth? Is it a simple truth-phrase that God exists and that His son died to save all mankind?

I've been questioning my testimony lately. I question the reality of the First Vision, the history of the church, and subsequent revelations. Some people may think that I am losing my grip on the gospel reality and on my testimony. 

But then I asked myself, "What is a testimony? What is my testimony?"

Of all the times that I have felt the Spirit witness truth to me, it was about the love that God had for me and His other children. I have felt the Spirit when watching films or theatre pieces. I've felt my testimony strengthened when others bare the standard that God lives and loves every one of His children. I've felt my testimony grow and wax strong when reading about the life of Jesus and His ministry in the New Testament, and yes, even the Book of Mormon. 

Thinking through my testimony, I've never had a moment when the Spirit told me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church. We're taught, in the Church, to say to ourselves, "Well, the Church must be true if I'm having these feelings..." But, what if we're having those feelings because the spirit of God is simply telling us that we're His children, that we're all here for a reason, and that He will always love us? 

Which is way I ask for your testimony. 

Do you believe in God? What do you believe? What makes you believe and behave the way you do? 

This is a call for truth. A call for testimonies. 

Learning to be Happy

I'm learning to change. I'm learning to  leave parts of my past behind me, and look forward with faith that my life will be one filled with hope, love, fulfillment, and passion.

There are parts of my spiritual make-up and ideas that are causing a change of heart. I've been noticing that there are aspects of the religion that I have adhered to for many years that don't make sense to me anymore. There are historical aspects of the religion that I love that are purposefully hidden and not talked about for fear of losing church members.

I am learning to appreciate the life that I have been given and the opportunity to help others be better people. I am learning to rely on myself and rely on the power of life that the universe, earth, and God have given me.

Things are good.

Weight is being lifted from my shoulders. The weight is feeling guilty for being gay. It's slowly going away. I'm going to live my life.

And guess what?

I'm gonna be happy.

The White Horse Prophecy

In early Mormon church history, Joseph Smith gave the infamous "White Horse Prophecy". This prophecy simply concludes that the U.S. Constitution would "hang by a thread". Many Mormons and conservatives who oppose same-sex marriage allude that the US will fall, and that the Constitution will "hang by a thread" if gays are allowed to marry.

For those history buffs, two Mormons, Edwin Rushton and Theodore Turley, said they personally heard Joseph Smith give this prediction at Smith’s home on or about May 6, 1843. Smith allegedly gave numerous predictions in this prophecy, but the portion that is most repeated speaks of a day when the Constitution of the United States will “hang by a thread.” It will be “preserved and saved” by a White Horse, A.K.A. the Mormon Church.

I have heard many people in church settings refer to this prophecy. But, is it true?

No way. Not even close.

Here is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has to say about this legend in Mormon culture:

"The so-called 'White Horse Prophecy' is based on accounts that have not been substantiated by historical research and is not embraced as Church doctrine."

Source

Interesting...seems as if the doomsday prophecies that gays will ruin the world that are held by so many members of the faith seem to be crumbling down by the same church that historically espoused them.

Thoughts?

Grabbing life by the balls...

I don't know if it's because the summer term is coming to an end, or because I recently learned that "Old Hag's Syndrome" is just a form of sleep paralysis and it has nothing to do with the devil, but I am grabbing life by the balls!

I have felt as if there has been such a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if my belief system is slowly starting to mold into something that brings me joy, peace, and love--rather than having a belief system that brought me doubt, frustration, and fear.

Of course, I've had these feelings before, and then--like before--I always revert back to my old ways of thinking or doing things and I'll say something like, "I'm never going off the path again!" And then, two weeks later, I'll say something like, "I'm never gonna go back on that stupid path!" Well...let's just hope that I don't find myself sucked into another vicious cycle.

I've been working out consistently by doing P90X with my roommates. I haven't lost any weight yet, but that's probably most likely do to the fact that I've been eating crappily.

Now, since I've gots no monies, you can be rest assured that Andy...will start losing the weight.

Maybe...just maybe...I'll go back to looking like this:

Or maybe this:

Love ya'll!

The Younger Years: Part One "Ken"

It was one of the most magical Christmas memories that I can remember. My dad had just finished college with a degree in International Business from Southern Utah University and we had all moved to Jacksonville, FL. My father had lined up a job at a Cargill Processing Plant...cleaning chickens. Yup. The family was living the high life. Times were hard, but we were a small, happy family.

It was Christmastime, and I was as excited as any 5-year old boy could be. I didn't know what I was going to get, but I knew that whatever it was, I would enjoy it!

It was the year of "Beauty and the Beast" and it was mine and my older sisters favorite movie. I still remember seeing the beautiful stained glass style opening and shivering at the powerful music.

I'm not sure if I asked for this present, but...I got it.

Bright and early that Christmas morning, my sister and I headed downstairs in our small, two-level condo into the living room. Our parents had surprised us with replacing our small, 2-foot plastic Christmas tree with an 8-foot, gigantic tree they purchased at 99% off at the local grocery store at 12:01 am Dec 26th.

Our eyes popped. We hadn't seen such a display of Christmas magic before! We knew that Santa Claus had to be real. We ran down to the tree, and, before we knew it, we had both ripped open our first present.

I must have gasped. It was the Beast! And, it was the Prince!

I don't know what overcame me, but it was probably my gayness. I would, every night since I got that Barbie doll, I would hide him under my pillow. Then, after my parents put me to bed, I would take him out. At first, it started as a simple excuse to play with the doll, but then...something stirred inside of me.

I would take Ken, and kiss him. I would slowly undress him, and I would be amazed at how my body responded.

Again, I was 5 years old.

This happened...oh, every night until my parents found the doll. I don't know what happened next. I don't know if they threw the doll away, or if they got mad at me. I don't know if they talked to me about it, or if then, they started to wonder if I was gay.

For me? I had no idea what being gay meant. All I know is that beginning at age 5, I knew something was different about me.

I just didn't know how different...but...I knew that I wished my doll...was a "real" Ken.