New Design and New Series

Hey guys and gals,

Every now and then, I change my blog style. Well, sometimes, it feels like more than every now and then.

But, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm going to post a new series--which I hope you'll all enjoy--and I'm just going to try and post more often.

Things have been going great for me, even though I've been spending all my time going to school and working. I've been learning more about myself and the world I belong to. I've been finding out knew things about religion and what brings me true happiness. I've learned to accept who I am and what I want in life. I've learned--and I hope to remember--that God is my Father and He will always love me...even if the people who I love the most don't.

Things are good. I hope they get better. Starting tomorrow, there'll be a new blog series starting! Wahoo!

Andy

Rant. Rant. Rant.

Sometimes, I hate posting how I really feel on the blog because I know when I read other people's rants and stuff...I am like, "Really? Not again. Life isn't that bad."

But today...today has been a hard day.

My new roommate is a very sports-oriented person. He likes to take risks and he doesn't plan or organize for things.

I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I love creating, and being in the arts. I don't like to take risks--I like stability. I make sure my day is planned and everything is organized.

I am fat fuck. I can't even do half the P90X exercises, so I feel like I am wasting my time.

I feel like God is dead...

I want to stop living my life according to someone else's code.

I want a boyfriend who understands me...but after living with this new roommate, I don't know if I will ever find someone who really gets me.

When I get down like this, I want to eat everything in sight. Hmmm...probably why I am fat fuck.

The End.

Dare to Shine

I found the following quote online today at Davey Wavey's Fitness website, and I thought it particularly poignant to gays in the church, straights in the church, basically, everyone.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~Marianne Williamson

How to Talk to Boys

Every time I see a cute boy, I want to talk to him. Now, if this boy proceeds to start a conversation, I will gladly follow suit.

However, when the conversation starts, I get nervous. I start to sweat, and I don't look them in the eye. I am so enamored by the experience, that I screw it all up by tearing it down with my "nonchalant and not-caring" look.

I don't know why I am nervous, or scared...maybe I'm not scared...just...unpracticed?

Hmmmm...thoughts?

Never Forgotten

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is a common idea that after Christs ascension to Heaven--and the subsequent death or expulsion of the original twelve apostles, that the true gospel of Christ was "taken" from the Earth.

However, I do not believe that to be the case. If there was no gospel of Christ, there would be no opportunity for growth or be a reason for the Spirit to "strive with man". That being said, during the Dark Ages, there were many men and women who, I believe, we inspired by God to create new things and bring about new ideas, aka the printing press, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.

In addition, since Christ appeared into the Old World, we have countless numbers of images, stories, and memories of Christ and His ministry. He made a powerful effect--so much so, that during the "Dark Ages" Christ still permeated the social norms of that time.

Why then, do we not see that same permeation of Christ in the Americas and their "dark ages"? I may not understand their hieroglyphs or concepts, but, if He did effect their lives as much as the Book of Mormon states--about 400 years--I think it would be safe to assume that His images, likeness, or types and shadows, would be everywhere in that culture...

I'm not trying to debunk the Book of Mormon...it's just one of those questions that I have.

Any thoughts?

A Dream...

I was in the basement of best high school friends home. I knew something important was going to happen because the people around me were excited, and appeared as if they knew something that I didn't.

A kind person--not sure who it was--draped their arm over my shoulder and led me up the stairs to the front door.

As the front door open, a wave of extremely bright light flooded the hallway. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw my family. My mother, my father, my younger brothers, my younger sister an

d my older sister. We hugged and we rejoiced.

My mother came up to me, and with tears in her eyes she said, "Andy! They've done it. They've done it!"

I didn't know what was going on.

"Whose done what?"

"The church!" She exclaimed. "The church has allowed gay marriage! We can be an eternal family!"

I began to cry, and she cried. I hugged my father and he cried. My family all got into a circle, and we laughed, and cried, and cried, and cried until...

...I woke up.

One Cannot Live Without the Other

Although it sounds like a line from Harry Potter (take a break to pee from excitement), it's not.

I am, of course, referring to trying to define myself as a Mormon and as a gay man. I do not think that they are possible.

A few weeks ago, I said I was starting a new sixth month experiment. Maybe it's because I haven't been reading my scriptures with the same effort as before, or maybe because I have accidentally--which is true--missed the last Sunday church meetings. Or, perhaps it's because I haven't been to the temple in three weeks.

Whatever the reason, I feel, again...so lost and so conflicted.

I want to be able to be happy, with whatever choice that I make.

If I stay in the church, I will always be attracted to men, yearning for their touch, a kiss, a hug, an intimate relationship, true happiness with other human.

If I leave the church, I will always be filled with regret; wondering if I am creating my own personal Hell by knowing I have not fulfilled what God wants me to by having a family and progressing.

If I am single, I will have to live with myself, alone. Now, I've been able to do that up to this point and it's been alright. But, I yearn, I ache to be held, to be loved by a man.

Again, my friends, I am back to where I have been for the last few years of my life. Stuck without any real, concrete decision. I'm not sure why I posted these ideas, I just...need someone to talk to; people who understand.

Andy