The Life After--Part 13--Strong Drinks Are Not for the Belly

I had always wanted to see what alcohol would do to my body. I had heard that people, after drinking, would forget everything that occurred the night before. I didn't know if it was true. I wanted to find out for myself. I was curious, so...I let the cat take me by the hand.

Now, I didn't go to a club or a bar to have my first taste of alcohol. I wanted to be somewhere safe. Somewhere I could get a little tipsy and not worry about barfing on someones shoes on the dance floor. I went to a friends house.

Now, this friend was a work acquaintance, and we had only hung out a few times before. She was funny and so when she invited me to her place with her boyfriend to have a few drinks, I said yes.

When I got to her house, it was only the three of us; myself, Sharon* and Mike*. Mike started mixing drink while Sharon and I chose a movie to watch. I chose The Emperor's New Groove.

I sat down on the couch and started to watch it. Mike walked over, and with a wink, handed me my first drink.

"What is it?"

"It's an orange vodka mixed with Sprite."

"Okay..." I said, hesitating. I looked down at the clear liquid. I lifted the glass to my nose. It smelled pretty strong.

"Don't worry about it," Mike said, taking my hand and pushing the glass to my lips. "You'll like it."

"Stop pushing him," Sharon said. "He'll drink if he wants to."

Mike sighed and let go of my hand. "You're right. I won't pressure you."

Thing is, folks, I did want to drink, and I wanted--more than anything--for Mike to approve of me. It's strange, how I think. Sharon had told me previously that Mike was bi-sexual and that he thought I was attractive, so...I just had to drink for his sake.

I lifted the glass to my lips and drank the entire thing. The Sprite tasted great, but the warm bite of vodka tingled my throat.

"Let me have another one."

"'Atta boy!" Mike shouted, and he began pouring me another drink.

Soon enough, I was drunk. I remember everything from that night. Every single detail. I knew that her roommates weren't home, but we also knew that they would be coming home. So, I kept on whispering, "Shh...we have, we have to, we have to be quiet for when your roommates come home. We have to act cool and--*hiccup*--not drunk. Because...then they won't like us..."

After a few more drinks, I became a more quiet drunk. I sat on the couch to watch the movie, and then things started getting...freaky.

Sharon sat down next to me and Mike sat down next to her. Mike had grabbed a blanket and covered all of us.

About 10 seconds later, I felt a hand on my thigh.

"Who's touching me?" I asked.

I lifted up the blanket.

It was Mike. His hand moved up my leg...

~End Part Thirteen

So busy...

Working on "Parade". Working on "Les Mis". School schedule. Homework schedule. Workout schedule. Voice lesson schedule. Work.

Barely gives me any time for you guys.

I hope to continue posting soon.

The Life After--Part Twelve--Mark Unloads

Wow. That's a racy title. Maybe...maybe I'll change it. Nah, it's pretty pertinent to this part of my past...heh... alliteration.

Anyway...

Mark and I still texted/talked on the phone every single day. We saw each other about three times a week. We went to movies and dinner, you know, the usual gay types of dates.

One day, however, he got me texting about the subject of sex. I don't know how he did it, but he did. After a while, he asked if he thought the idea of Google video chatting and...ahem...you know...flogging uncle fester would be a good idea.

Since he was the first guy who ever told me who he thought that I was cute, I quickly said that I would--but that I didn't have a webcam. Mark said that that would be alright.

So, that night, we logged on.

Long story short: It was awkward, and surreal, and weird, and confusing--why would he cyber stuff stuff if he was so against actual physical contact--and strange, and...just...not cool.

After that, I made up in my mind that I didn't want to see him again. I wasn't going to "date" someone who was so vehemently against physical contact, yet bare it all online, and expect for the relationship to go somewhere.

So, as any brave soul would do, I email broke up with him.

And, as quick as it started, it ended. Mark was no longer a part of my life--which was fine...because he was weird.

~End Part Twelve

So ready to quit...

I am ready to stop trying. I am ready to give up.

I hate it, how people think they understand what I'm going through. No. You don't. You can't understand what I am going through until you're told from the Church, "We love you, but we can't let you hold hands with a guy. We can't let you kiss a boy. We can let you date a boy. We can't let you think about boys. Because if we did, we'd be allowing you to go to Hell. But...if you did all those things with girls, then, by golly! Do it!"

I am tired of being told that I have a "special" purpose because I'm one of the only few gay members of the Church that still goes to Church. I don't know if I want to do that.

And also, I'm tired of people telling me--especially my friends--"Andy, we will love you no matter what you decide to do with your life. But, we can't accept your lifestyle as right. I mean, you can come to my house with your partner, but...I'll still be sad for you...because, well....you're damning yourself."

I hate it. I'm tired of it.

Please, friends, family members, and Church...just really love me. Don't say, "Yeah, we love you, but hate your 'trial'--because we all know it's wrong."

Done. I'm done.

A Moment of Reflection

Now, if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you've probably seen me post the following video.



I watch this, and I think to myself, "Will I ever get to experience moments like this?"

Those who are Christian might say: "Of course, you will! If you do what's right, God will bless you with a straight women who will want you have your babies!"

Those of you who are "Easter Sunday" Christians, you might say: "Of course, you will! If you do what's right, God will bless you with a gay man who will want to adopt babies with you!"

Those of you who are not affiliated with any religion at all, you might say: "Dude, stop worrying about it."

And I say: "I will experience moments like this. I will. I just have to find the right man, woman, or myself who will want to share these precious times together."

What do you say?

The Life After--Part Eleven--Mark

I had been texting Mark--the Connection boy--steadily every day for the past two weeks. We had sent pictures of each other over the phone and we were both determined that we would finally meet on a Sunday afternoon and take a drive up the canyon.

That Sunday, I was as nervous as a school girl. This would be the first time that I had met someone from the Internet to go on a date with. My heart was racing and my thoughts were going in a million different directions. "Would he like me? I think he's going to think that I'm too fat. I wonder what he looks like in person. Gosh, I have to pee. No, you've already gone pee two hundred times this morning. Ahhhh...so nervous--"

From my vantage point in the living room, I saw a car pull up into my driveway.

It was Mark.

I took a deep breath, sprayed myself with one last spritz of cologne and walked outside. Sadly, Mark did not get out of the car to greet me. I was almost sure that he would. I opened the door to the passenger side and got in.

I looked over at Mark. Immediately, my first thought was, "Wow. He doesn't look anything like in his pictures."

"Hey, Andy!" He said.

"How's it going?" I replied.

"Much better, now that you're here."

"Awww, thanks."

He started the car and we took off down the street.

I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go through all the small-talk stuff. We had already done that via text.

"So," I said, "I don't really want to go through all the small-talk stuff...we've already done that via text."

He laughed. "I know, right?"

We stopped at a red light.

He turned to look at me.

He took a breath and sighed.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's nothing," he started. "It's just...you're so cute."

My face flushed. No one had actually told that to me in person...well...no guys anyway.

"Gee, thanks." I sounded like a 15 year-old boy.

The light turned green.

We headed off into the canyon for our drive.

Throughout the rest of the date, we just talked and drove all around Provo. We eventually headed to Salt Lake where we walked around and got to know each other better. He seemed like a really nice guy.

Fast forward to the evening.

We were in Provo near the Nu Skin building on Center Street. We were parked in his car. It was about 11:00 pm.

"I don't want to let you go home," Mark said.

"I don't want to go either."

He sighed. "I want to kiss you so bad right now."

Why don't you, then? I shouted to him in my head.

"But," he began, "I believe in no physical contact for 4 full months of dating."

"What? No physical contact for 4 months? Why?"

He shuffled in his seat. "I've...just had a lot of bad experiences with guys taking advantage of me in the past, and...I don't want to make the same mistakes again."

Okay, that's understandable. But...but....4 MONTHS?!!

I took a deep breath. "I...I...guess...that's alright. I can do it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. For sure."

He smiled.

"That's why I really like you."

He put the car in drive and he took me home. As I shut my door, I saw him go down the street.

4 months? I don't think I can do it.

Even though he said 4 months, he neglected to mention that "contact", to him, meant completely different things.

Apparently, cybers*x didn't count.

~End Part Eleven

The Life After--Part Ten--Connection

Jonathan and I shared some more interesting experiences, but none that topped the night he flashed me.

Almost every weekend, Jonathan would let me know that he was going to Salt Lake or going to West Jordan or somewhere there was a more "lively" gay community. I asked him one day how he found all the gay guys.

"Connection," he said. (Yes, I know I'm spelling it wrong, but I don't want the real website to be linked to my blog).

"What's that?"

"Oh, I don't know if I want to tell you."

"Come on!" I pleaded. "Please?"

"Fine. It's like....Facebook for gay guys."

"Really? There's such a thing?"

"Yeah, just go and search for Connection. You'll have to create an account first, but...you can be friends with guys on there, search for gay guys who live around Provo, and even get a few hook-ups if you're interested."

"Geez," I said. "I'm gay, not a floozy."

With that, I went onto my computer and promptly created an account with Connection. I uploaded the hottest pictures I could find of myself. I created my profile within seconds and waited for someone to add me as their friend.

I waited.

And waited...

and waited some more...

"What the crap is going on? Don't people think I'm hot?"

I periodically checked my Connection account about every 5 minutes that day. The next day, it went down to checking it about every 30. The following day, it was about every other hour. It soon became when I would only check it once a month.

Then, in October of 2009, I got an email from someone on Connection.

His name was Mark. He lived in Orem and he wanted to get to know me better. We began chatting on Connection. I gave him my phone number and we started talking and texting every single day. He was a great guy!

It wasn't until I actually met him that I realized something was...off.

Busy...

Hey guys and gals,

Sorry I've been so busy lately. I promise that I will get more posts up soon! I am sure you're all dying to hear about:

• My first Connection date
• The world of cybercourse
• My first MoHo party
• Kissing
• Getting smooshed...or smashed...or...whatever...
• And more...

Stay tuned!

It's My Turn

We're just going to take a quick break from "The Life After" series and talk about the below for awhile.

Some of you may have asked yourself why I have removed the quote from the top of my blog. My explanation is as follows:

This is my year. Every single year previous to this one, has been a year of doing things for the praise, acceptance and expectations of others. In 2011, I am trying an experiment. I am going to do things only if I want to. I am going to be happy by not letting outward influences define who I am.

I am not going to be afraid of my sexuality or my body-image anymore. People will have to accept me for me, and not for who I am attracted to or what I look like.

I am going to stop seeking the praise of others just because it's what "I'm supposed to do", or what "is required of me".

I am choosing to live my life the way I want to.

I am making this decision because I want to see if I will be able to see a difference in the quality of life and the life experiences that I have. I want to see if my outlook of the world, people, and most importantly--myself, will change. I want to see, that my doing what makes me happy and stop worrying about what other people think will help me be a better, smarter, nicer, kinder, and more happy person.

That is why it is my year.

The Life After--Part Nine--Testicle(s)?

If the real Jonathan is reading this, please know that I love you. I am telling the story of how I remember everything from my perspective of a young, naive, and sheltered gay Mormon boy. I appreciate everything that you have done for me.

I love you, buddy.

-----

Jonathan was drunk. Again.

I didn't know that Jonathan had a drinking problem until one night at the beginning of our holiday break together. I had just come home from work and I was very tired. Laying down on the couch, I started to watch TV.

Jonathan stumbled from his bedroom, shirtless.

"Andy! I missed you."

Jonathan slumped over the couch, landed on my chest, and gave me a hug.

I laughed. "I missed you, too."

He lay there for a moment.

Breathing into my face, he asked, "How was work?"

The putrid smell of alcohol almost burned my nostrils. I sat up and gently pushed him off of me.

"Have you," I hesitated to ask. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yup," he said through a smile.

"How much?"

He thought for a moment and began counting using his fingers. He started to laugh.

"I can't remember."

I sighed. I didn't think that Jonathan would go get so low as to start drinking. I had the slightest suspicion that he just didn't start tonight.

"How long have you been drinking?"

"Just tonight? Or...do you mean...if I've been drinking this whole semester?"

"The whole semester," I responded.

"Oh," he said. "It's been going on for much longer than that. I start drinking this summer when I went to my first gay club."

"Why?"

Jonathan giggled and put his head on my chest. "I like it," he said. "It makes me feel happy. I don't have to deal with being gay when I'm drunk."

I sighed. I didn't know how to respond to that. I knew that he had been having a rough couple of weeks and that he was planning on telling his parents, but I didn't know he had been having such a horrible problem with drinking.

"It's okay, though. I'm fine." He stood up and wobbled for a bit.

I just looked at him, clueless of what to do.

"D-did you know..." he was stumbling through his words. "Did you know that I only have one ball?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, Andy. I only have one ball--testicle. I had to get it removed because I had cancer."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry to hear that." I thought he was lying.

"I'm s-s-serious," he blubbered.

I turned back to the TV. He needed to go to bed.

"See?"

I looked behind me and Jonathan had his pants down.

Nope. He wasn't lying.

~End Part Nine

The Life After--Part Eight--Jonathan Comes Out

I opened my cell phone. There was a text from Jonathan.

"Hey, Andy. Yes, I am gay. It is something that I am not proud of and it is not how I define my life. Thanks for being awesome. We should talk about it later."

I smiled.

"So," Katrina asked. "Is he gay?"

I noddded. "He is."

Katrina thought for a moment. "Well, at least you know now. No more guessing, right?"

"Right."

She paused. "Do you...like him or something?"

I didn't know how to answer that. Of course I appreciated our roommate "friendship". I didn't think I liked him, but...I wasn't sure. I honestly felt as if he would never like me, as I always have had low self-esteem issues. How could someone so attractive ever like someone as "fugly" as myself? He he. "Fugly..."

Katrina and I talked about Jonathan and how he didn't seem too gay--except for the Shirtless Seven incident. Jonathan loved playing basketball and football with his cousins. He would go shooting up in the canyon almost every weekend. He carved wood flutes almost every week. He had to have been the "straightest" gay guy I had ever met.

Later that night, Jonathan and I had an opportunity to talk to each other about him being gay.

It was an interesting conversation. He basically told me that he was only out to a very few select group of people. His parents didn't know and neither did any member of his family. His dad was the bishop of his ward back home and his mom was the relief society president. His cousin was in the local elders quorum presidency in our college ward and Jon was too afraid to come out to any of them. Understandable.

Over the course of the semester, Jonathan and I became very close housemates. I remember when we spent the Christmas break together. I only had four days off for Christmas and so did Jonathan. Our other roommates were gone for the full break and we had the house together. Just the two of us. Alone.

During that short week, I learned more about Jonathan and his life than I needed to. I learned about his sex life, drug life, and secret alcohol life. It was a reality check that I didn't sign up for.

But it was one that I needed to experience.

~End Part Eight

The Life After--Part Seven--Jonathan

Living with Jonathan was like living with an angsty, sexually confused, and wild teenage boy--even though he was 26.

We had become very close housemates over the course of the following weeks after the "Shirtless Seven" incident, but not very good friends.

You see, a friend is someone you hang out with, go to the movies with, go to dinner with, play games with, be with, etc. A roommate is someone you simply live and interact with--and perhaps go shopping for food with.

Jonathan and I were the best of friends when we were in the house. But, if we stepped outside, we became like very distant relatives. It wasn't a bad thing, per se, but I wished we would have been able to better friends. But, I digress.

Since our "in-house" friendship was becoming closer each day, I kept on wanting to ask Jon if he was gay. I didn't know how to approach the situation. My GayDar was going off like a torpedo was about to blast through a submarine, but...Jon was the first "gay" guy who I had ever lived with. I was confused and worried. I was scared that if I asked, he would deny it and our relationship would be ruined. On the other hand, I was excited to finally have more interactions with gay people.

I had to do it. I just had to.

Later that week, I was with my friend Katrina at her house. We were sitting on her couch and casually talking about school. I was paying attention to what she was saying, but I was more intrigued about how Jon would respond to the text I just sent him:

"Jon, you are a really great roommate and a great friend. But, there is just something that I have to ask you, and that I have been wondering about you...are you gay?"

As I was checking my phone once again, Katrina closed it.

"Why do you keep checking your phone?"

I hesitated. "Oh, it's nothing."

Katrina smiled. "Andy: I know you. There's something up. What's going on?"

I didn't want to out Jon, but I didn't want to keep Katrina in the dark.

"I...I can't say," I said.

"Yes you can," she retorted.

Well, I thought, I guess I could just....change his name or something.

"There's this guy I know--"

She interrupted me. "Jon?"

I was shocked. "What? How did you...I mean...it doesn't matter who it is."

She laughed. "Just keep going."

"Anyway, there's this guy I know--who may or may not be Jon and it doesn't even matter either way--who I think may be...gay."

Katrina burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"He used to be my home teacher! I am so going to call him right now."

"No!" I shouted. I grabbed her phone from her.

"I don't think he's out...at all."

"Oh," she paused. "Well, that changes things."

"I'm asking him about it right now. I'm texting him."

My phone vibrated. This was it.

Katrina tried to take the phone.

"Nope," I said. "This is for me."

I opened the phone and read the text.

~End Part Seven

The Life After--Part Six--Jonathan and Friends Part Two

Two of the Shirtless Seven were in the shower together. Sounds of laughter from the bathroom echoed down the hall and entered into my room.

Straight guys shower together, right? I mean, it's like...after foozball practice...right?

The other 5 were in Jonathan's room dancing to Lady Gaga.

Okay. Straight guys DO NOT dance to Lady Gaga. The Shirtless Seven were gay!

I tried to make it look like I was not interested in the impromptu Gay Club that had fabulously appeared in my roommates abode by walking past and forth his door going to the kitchen to get "stuff".

Every time I would walk by, I would slow down and take a peak at the party going on in his room. Jonathan wasn't really participating I noticed. He was laughing, but he seemed...confused about something. His other friends were having a great time.

"Sorry!"

I was pushed forward by a naked man.

Granted, he had a towel around his lower half, but...still.

"No," I managed to spit out. "It's alright."

I ran into my bedroom and shut the door and started to read the scriptures. Whew! That was close, I thought.

It seemed like forever until the Shirtless Seven left. When they did, the house was as quiet as a tomb. I opened my door to see if Jon had left or stayed. I walked by his room and his door was open, but he wasn't there.

I turned to the corner to enter into the living room and WHACK! I was attacked from behind.

Jonathan wrestled me to the ground. I tried to fight back, but...I mean, hey! I was a Glee club member in High School. I had always that that a Full Nelson was an adult movie title and not a part of wrestling.

He pinned me.

"Say 'Uncle'!"

"Uncle," I said.

"Louder!"

"Jon," I laughed. "Get off of me! I can't breathe, you fatty!"

"Fine," he said and rolled over.

I lay there, breathing heavily. "So, who were those guys?"

He cleared his throat. "Just some of my friends."

I hesitated and turned to him and asked, "What kind of friends?"

He smiled. "Just...some friends."

"Okay, cool."

He laughed again and stood up. "I've gotta get to bed. See you tomorrow morning."

I sighed.

"See ya."

~End Part Six

Happy New Year!

I hope that this New Year will be the very best for everyone.

I love you all.