The Younger Years: Part One "Ken"

It was one of the most magical Christmas memories that I can remember. My dad had just finished college with a degree in International Business from Southern Utah University and we had all moved to Jacksonville, FL. My father had lined up a job at a Cargill Processing Plant...cleaning chickens. Yup. The family was living the high life. Times were hard, but we were a small, happy family.

It was Christmastime, and I was as excited as any 5-year old boy could be. I didn't know what I was going to get, but I knew that whatever it was, I would enjoy it!

It was the year of "Beauty and the Beast" and it was mine and my older sisters favorite movie. I still remember seeing the beautiful stained glass style opening and shivering at the powerful music.

I'm not sure if I asked for this present, but...I got it.

Bright and early that Christmas morning, my sister and I headed downstairs in our small, two-level condo into the living room. Our parents had surprised us with replacing our small, 2-foot plastic Christmas tree with an 8-foot, gigantic tree they purchased at 99% off at the local grocery store at 12:01 am Dec 26th.

Our eyes popped. We hadn't seen such a display of Christmas magic before! We knew that Santa Claus had to be real. We ran down to the tree, and, before we knew it, we had both ripped open our first present.

I must have gasped. It was the Beast! And, it was the Prince!

I don't know what overcame me, but it was probably my gayness. I would, every night since I got that Barbie doll, I would hide him under my pillow. Then, after my parents put me to bed, I would take him out. At first, it started as a simple excuse to play with the doll, but then...something stirred inside of me.

I would take Ken, and kiss him. I would slowly undress him, and I would be amazed at how my body responded.

Again, I was 5 years old.

This happened...oh, every night until my parents found the doll. I don't know what happened next. I don't know if they threw the doll away, or if they got mad at me. I don't know if they talked to me about it, or if then, they started to wonder if I was gay.

For me? I had no idea what being gay meant. All I know is that beginning at age 5, I knew something was different about me.

I just didn't know how different...but...I knew that I wished my doll...was a "real" Ken.