The box has opened all the crazy, black bits of the Mormon church...and honestly? My testimony is seriously waning because of it. Without going too deep, just the simple fact that Cowdery used folk magic, 14 different versions of the First Vision, and other issues have almost completely eradicated my testimony. And, most of this, I learned in a BYU religion class.
Now, I believe in God and I believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. However, my views of God are changing. I don't see him as a vengeful God who broke my wrist or made me lose my job because I asked for more "faith and patience". I see God more as a positive force in the world and universe that helps direct people to do good.
That all being said--I have not completely lost my testimony. There is still a part of me that is telling me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church. But, is this simply an idea that has been plowed into my head since I was a child? I mean, what if the Church isn't true? My religious life is over.
I do not want to open a Pandora's box of comments, but I am wondering:
- If the Church isn't true, how can I cope with losing such a major part of my life?
- If the Church is true, how can I gain back such a major part of my life?
You will make it through! Just take it one day and one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is helpful or not...but I once had a Young Women's leader who was a black convert to the church. During this one class about testimonies she said something along the lines of, "I have a testimony that the Gospel is true and that we will live with our Heavenly Father and see the ones we love again. I believe in the Book of Mormon and what is says is true. I don't know why the black people were denied the rights to the priesthood. It makes me angry sometimes that there is no answer that I have received from my Heavenly Father about why this had to be so. But this one thing has nothing to do with my testimony."
ReplyDeleteYou, like her, know that the Gospel is true and you know that you have a Heavenly Father who guides you and sometimes has to "prune" you to help make you perfect. He isn't vengeful...He is trying to help us grow up to be the best we can be. She also knew that the Church itself might have imperfect leaders who mess up and like the bible stories about Jesus, there are could be multiple versions of the same story just because of the way humans are and the passing of an oral history.
Just bubbling under the surface for a long time for me is the possibility that the church is not the "only true church." I believe in god, and some basic doctrines of the church, but I'm not sure the mormon version of the gospel is true. Does my life need to fall apart because of it? No, I think the earth will continue to turn. I think I'll continue to be a bascially good person. My moral compass won't implode just because I'm a doubting member of the church.
ReplyDeleteI think the same can be for you. You'll still have the mormon culture in your life. You don't have to give it all up. It's not just black or white.
Have you talked to your Religion professor and gotten his take on some of your concerns? Obviously he has opened this "pandor's box" as you describe it and not lost his testimony. Pick his/her brain.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I see flubs, foibles, contradictions and screw-ups in the Church as a sign of authenticity. If it was picture-perfect, squeaky clean I'd have to take a step back and say "Whoa!! Somethin' aint right here!" The reason - human beings are involved. So there is going to be evidences of human failings and frailty woven throughout all the inspired stuff. Count on it. If you take a quick look at the scriptures you'll see this fact recorded over and over again... Noah was a drunk; Moses disobeyed God and was denied entrance to the promised land; David got kinky with Bathsheba and had her husband killed; Peter lied and denied Christ just to save his own skin; the Apostles fought amongst themselves to the point they were "sorely chastened" by God; and in our day we have several examples where Joseph Smith got an ass-chewing from God Almighty himself because he totally screwed things up! (see D&C) Don't think these are the only examples - there are tons that were never recorded.
So I don't get too excited when I find out that people are still people, even when they have been called to do God's work. I expect the humanity to remain in spite of the revelations and miracles. It only took the Israelites a few days to revert back to paganism when Moses left them for his trip up the mountain to talk with God. Humans are natural doubters / deniers.
Church history is a pretty deep rabbit hole. I recommend starting with Bushman's "Rough Stone Rolling"if you want the majority of the issues laid out in a straight forward but faithful manner. It's available at Deseret Book. Otherwise Mormonthink.com is a pretty good resource, if a little heavy handed.
ReplyDelete"There is still a part of me that is telling me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church."
ReplyDeletePerhaps you'll be more comfortable changing this to "the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the most true church"?
Unlike "only", "most" acknowledges the truth and goodness that can be found in other churches (and even in paganism and atheism). It also admits to the possibility that the LDS church isn't entirely true yet—that it has truth, but that it can still learn and grow in truth.
I'll second Mr. Curie's recommendation of "Rough Stone Rolling"—it's an excellent exploration of early church history from a perspective that is faithful to the LDS church without being apologist.
Everyone,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words of encouragement! I am learning more and more about myself and what I believe is truth and what I can do to be a better person.
I have decided to no longer post about my run-ins with church history and the strange ideas, changing doctrines, hoaxes, etc., that pervade my thoughts as of late.
I'm going to try, one last time, to reconcile my faith. However, now that I have learned so much concerning the history, I do not know if that will be possible.
That being said, I am going to be the best person that I can be.
Andy
Andy: You are going through the same process with respect to the LDS church in general as you have with respect to being gay and Mormon. These fundamental transition times can be rocky and challenging. But keep one thing in mind: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. So many, many people have gone through exactly what you describe in this post. Myself included. And have found new truths, new faith, new ways of looking at the world and the eternities, new purposes in life, new goals. It can be a challenge while it's happening, but hang on. You are asking the right questions and that tells me you're on the right track. Don't worry about trying to force yourself into any particular pigeonhole, and I don't think you should restrain yourself from asking your questions on your blog either. Share with others, learn from them. Just ask your questions in good faith, look at the evidence, see where it leads you, and follow it. Find what works for you, not because somebody else tells you to, but because you've learned that it works for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I'm going through my friend. Honestly, honestly I feel your pain, your doubt, your skepticism, your faith. It can feel terribly lonely, and confusing. I've felt anger and sadness. I've had moments of peace, of calm, of understanding.
ReplyDeleteLately, I've tried not to see things as black and white. It's not all good or all bad. So if the church isn't true, what does that mean? Does that mean that you can't live the principles you believe are true even if the church itself isn't true? I don't think so. And if it is true, does that mean that they are right about everything? Absolutely not. It's an important question, but I think there are a lot of important questions to ask and answer. I'm not sure what "the church" being true even means anymore.
I don't live in Utah, but I went to BYU for five years. You can e-mail me anytime. You aren't alone.