An old roommate of mine had this list of characteristics and qualities he wanted in a wife that he would take out and compared all the girls he dated to. He shared that list with me once and he was seeking “a woman who is temple-worthy, maternal, humorous, adventurous, empathetic, hopeful, attractive, healthy, and friendly”. Despite the absurdity of such a list it worked and his wife is awesome. His success inspired me to create my own list of what qualities I wanted in my husband.
Yes, he said that he wanted to create a list of qualities for his husband. Using the link above, you can go to his blog and hear the reaction from the congregation. For most of the young single adults, they thought he was joking. Of course, he wasn't.Which makes me beg the question, "Could I do it, too?" Meaning, could I stand in front of my singles ward and say, "Hey, my boyfriend and I were driving and we had this great spiritual experience..." or "If I ever find my husband...". You know...things like that. I don't know if I have the courage to be so...out.
For some reason, his courage and his determination to live in the LDS world and be openly gay depresses me. I don't have his courage and I don't have his determination. Does that mean I am less than him? I don't think so. But...it's true...I am more afraid than he is.
I live in the freakin' Mecca of Mormons. Provo, UT. Yup. I'm pretty sure if I were to say something like that, I would be whisked off to the Honor Code Office--without knowing what would happen.
What about you? Are you comfortable enough with telling your ward about your sexuality?
Wow. Good for that guy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that it took him awhile to get to that place in his life where he felt like he could be so completely out like that. But how freeing, it also must be! He knows that everyone knows his "deep dark" secret and he lived to tell the tale.
If you want to do this Andy, I totally think that you could. You are that determined and I think you could be that brave.
I personally don't think my Ward is ready to recieve such a message. It sounds romantic being all brave and "out", but I think the long term repercussions would not really help me or them. So I keep such notions in the realm of fantasy. For now.
ReplyDeleteI love that guy. He's got balls. Can't wait until the LDS church backs off the gay marriage issue and starts marrying gays in their "cultural halls." It's gonna happen. I'd bet everything I own on it (not that that's very much). ~Becky
ReplyDeleteWhy does it even matter weather they know or not? Not everyone has to know everything about you Andy. It's great that someone can be open in their talk, but it is even everyone's business to know everything about your sexuality? Of course it isn't. So many people I know that are gay tell me that it doesn't define the many different facets of them. It shouldn't be mandatory to declare in a job application or a rental application, and it doesn't need to be mandatory to say in a talk. Don't feel bad that you don't want to tell everyone in a public forum, something that is private to you. If you feel you want to, that's fine, but don't feel like you have to be able to do it. I wouldn't bare my testimony over the PA system at work... that's something private to me, it's the wrong forum for that kind of thing, and it's an inappropriate place for it. You don't have to out yourself over the pulpit.
ReplyDeleteI'm with anonymous on this one. It's not the place because it will just be for shock value and that's not in keeping with the spirit of a sacrament meeting. But if everyone already knew, it'd be fine to mention it because that's all it would be, a mention.
ReplyDeleteI think the Anonymouses misunderstand the spirit of these musings.
ReplyDeleteAndy (correct me if I'm wrong) is not considering the merits of making an announcement over the pulpit but is writing about the openness that that represents. What I suspect the Anonymouses fail to understand is that, although differences among people in sexual orientation indeed do not "define" them and shouldn't be included in applications and stuff like that, the fact is that sexual orientation has never been and is not a private matter.
Sexual orientation profoundly affects every facet of one's life and is entirely unavoidable even in the most trivial of conversations. Do an experiment, Anonymouses: Imagine how your daily interactions would go if you cut out everything that would indicate your (presumably--sorry if I assume incorrectly) heterosexual orientation. No mention of boy/girl friends, family aspirations, *current* family conditions, the nature of your relationships to different people (if you're single how many times do you have to explain "I'm not interested like that" or otherwise indicate your attitude of interest or disinterest in people of the opposite sex).
Indeed, Church culture is such that one can plausibly argue that merely showing up and being "worthy" and called on to give a talk broadcasts a heterosexual orientation. When you're gay, what are your choices in such an environment, to keep this "private" issue private? A) Avoid any mention of any subject that could reveal the "private" matter of your orientation and watch your conversations and interactions lose all depth and sense of reality or B) engage in thousands upon thousands of daily misleading actions and lies ranging from "white" to outright in order to perpetuate the perception of heterosexuality in order to keep the "private" matter of your real sexuality private or C) a combination of the above.
David's mention of his homosexuality in his talk is fantastic because it is at once peripheral to his main message but also instantly clears the air of any misconceptions and creates an environment in which he can live honestly and not let this one small part of his life come to dominate it (through the Herculean effort--seriously--trying to keep it minimized or out of view).
Andy doesn't say it like this, but I'm guessing that this hypothetical he presents of mentioning his sexuality in a talk is representative of his constant internal debate of walking the line of maintaining that fake "privacy" and trying to carve out a space in which he can live honestly.
So, "Why does it even matter weather they know or not?" Well, it may not to Andy, but it seems to matter a lot to everyone else, as you will quickly realize if you honestly conduct the thought experiment I explained. "Not everyone has to know everything about [Andy]," yes, but I'll bet it seems to him that it sure feels like they do.
I may have unfairly characterized the second Anonymous. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh, and to answer the original question, I would not tell my ward. *sigh*
ReplyDelete