I am, of course, referring to trying to define myself as a Mormon and as a gay man. I do not think that they are possible.
A few weeks ago, I said I was starting a new sixth month experiment. Maybe it's because I haven't been reading my scriptures with the same effort as before, or maybe because I have accidentally--which is true--missed the last Sunday church meetings. Or, perhaps it's because I haven't been to the temple in three weeks.
Whatever the reason, I feel, again...so lost and so conflicted.
I want to be able to be happy, with whatever choice that I make.
If I stay in the church, I will always be attracted to men, yearning for their touch, a kiss, a hug, an intimate relationship, true happiness with other human.
If I leave the church, I will always be filled with regret; wondering if I am creating my own personal Hell by knowing I have not fulfilled what God wants me to by having a family and progressing.
If I am single, I will have to live with myself, alone. Now, I've been able to do that up to this point and it's been alright. But, I yearn, I ache to be held, to be loved by a man.
Again, my friends, I am back to where I have been for the last few years of my life. Stuck without any real, concrete decision. I'm not sure why I posted these ideas, I just...need someone to talk to; people who understand.
Andy
I might not be a person who understands what you are going through but I do love you. I hope the best for you. No matter what you choose, you are always loved by me. You are an amazing member of the church and I'm so impressed with you as a person.
ReplyDeleteI've come to realize that with any path we take, there will be some heartache, but even still, it's hard to determine which will bring us the most happiness until we've tried out different paths. shoot me an email or text if you want. my number's on my fb profile.
ReplyDeleteAndy,
ReplyDeleteYou can contact me any time if you want to talk. Hugs!!
I have been watching your blog and expecting this post for some time. You're running into the harsh reality, Andy, that we all face: the LDS church frames this issue so as to make harmonious reconciliation impossible, out of the question. It forces each of us to choose between being true to our own natures or complying with church requirements.
ReplyDeleteI say "church requirements" because I don't believe the Savior would demand that we give up all hope of happiness in this life as the price of some undefined future later (which most of us don't want anyway, as the church currently describes it).
Eventually you are going to have to choose. I found a way to do that, and am very much at peace with it. Message me privately if you'd like to hear how I worked it out.
"If I leave the church, I will always be filled with regret; wondering if I am creating my own personal Hell by knowing I have not fulfilled what God wants me to by having a family and progressing."
ReplyDeleteI can promise you that you will NOT always be filled with regret. You believe that because the LDS church has told you that. People believe what they are told. If you leave the church, you will learn to make your own decisions about your life and will find that so many things you have been taught to believe are just flat wrong. The world is so much bigger and better when you are not restricted from learning and growing by mormonism. Guilt and fear are ultimately what keep people from leaving mormonism. Believe me, you may go through a grieving process and have a really hard time as you leave mormonism, but if you do, you will come out on the other side happier than you could ever imagine being. "You can only be happy living 'the gospel,'" is just fear-mongering at its worst. Just my two cents.
July 1, 2011 11:28 PM
"If I leave the church, I will always be filled with regret; wondering if I am creating my own personal Hell by knowing I have not fulfilled what God wants me to by having a family and progressing."
I can promise you that you will NOT always be filled with regret. You believe that because the LDS church has told you that. People believe what they are told. If you leave the church, you will learn to make your own decisions about your life and will find that so many things you have been taught to believe are just flat wrong. The world is so much bigger and better when you are not restricted from learning and growing by mormonism. Guilt and fear are ultimately what keep people from leaving mormonism. Believe me, you may go through a grieving process and have a really hard time as you leave mormonism, but if you do, you will come out on the other side happier than you could ever imagine being. "You can only be happy living 'the gospel,'" is just fear-mongering at its worst. Just my two cents.
~Becky
OMG. I had the hardest time posting that comment for some reason. Then it showed up twice? Whatever. It was worth being said twice. :) Hang in there kid. You have lots of support.
ReplyDelete~Becky
I think that one of the big issues here is that you keep trying to decide what path is correct for you, but every time you lay out your options you always frame them as if what the church tells you is the "right way" and the other is merely what you would rather do. Of course you're going to keep running around in circles when you go at it from that angle because you've already started out with one option being right and the other being wrong. Forget what you've been taught is right or wrong and listen to what your heart tells you is right
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's happened between us. I try and express my care and concern but feel like you push me away at every turn. But here's my two cents:
ReplyDeleteI've been watching your blog progress and I was waiting for this to happen. I agree with what has been said already. You need to get rid of your preconceived notions that homosexuality is wrong. It is possible that God has a plan for us. Since He knows everyone, he has to have worked out something for us.
There is no reason why you can't incorporate some of your existing ideals with who you want to become. I follow the teachings of the church that I know have helped me stay happy. And I push aside all the guilt and brain-washing that who I was born to be is evil and wrong. There's a lot of good I can do in this world. Same with you.
Be who you wish to be. Start anew. Begin a new life confident in God's love for you and in your ability to strike out on your own. You can do this.
Trevor and Becky and Anonymous are all SPOT ON.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: can you send me an email so I can know who you are? Id like to talk yo you.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your experiment is teaching you something useful if you look at it objectively.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I agree with those who have already posted.
ReplyDeleteLeaving the church does not end your opportunity to have a family and to progress. I have left the church, I have a family and I believe I am progressing.
I hope you can find resolution to your dilemma, please know that life and joy and a relationship with Heavenly Father do not end if you chose to leave the Mormon church.