...it's me."
I looked at my Elders Quorum President and smiled. Jordan* was sitting in my kitchen, talking with me about my--hmmmm, less than frequent attendance at Church.
Now, Jordan's father is gay. Jordan grew up--as did his brothers and sisters--thinking that they had a good life and were living in a good, Mormon family. One day, their lives were shattered when their mother handed them a packet of Church talks about staying true to the faith, the love of Christ and their father...well...he handed them a book about ex-Mormons and ex-Christians who found happiness in the world.
"I really like that," he responded. "That's a very powerful statement. You're so diligent in your callings and staying true to what you believe. If there is anyone who can do it, it is you, Andy."
"I know," I said, matter-of-factly. "It's just hard. I feel so alone, all the time. I know I'm not the only guy in the ward who experiences same-gender attraction, but...it sure feels like it."
"Well," he said. "You're not alone. There are others."
"I wish you could tell me. Not for...bad reasons, of course. Just so...that I have a friend to talk to."
I then went on a tangent.
"I mean, come on. How many guys and girls do you see who are Christian or Mormon who stay in their faiths if they are gay or experience same-gender attraction? Not many. I would venture to say that out of 100%, 99% leave and 1% stay in the Church. That's not very comforting."
"But," Jordan said, looking me in the eyes, "you are part of that 1%. Even though its a small number...it's still relevant. You are such an example of stalwart faith and courage...it's mind-boggling to me. There needs to be more people like you in the Church. It's sad that there isn't."
The conversation went on for another 10 more minutes, but those were the parts I remember the most.
Which brings me to this:
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I know that no matter what trials, issues, challenges, sicknesses, money problems, etc that we may face in this life are put there for a reason. We are here to gain knowledge and understanding. We are here to be an example to those who do not know Christ or who may be far away from Him. We are here to love others and to be loved. We are here to express our love for Christ, God, and the Holy Ghost. We are to serve others. We are to be the people that our Heavenly Father wants us to be: faithful, diligent, and true to the end.
So, out of anyone, people who are gay, experience same-gender attraction, are alcoholics, drug addicts, overcome depression, or suffer in any other way, they're the ones who are the examples to others of how to get through live. Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, provide for us the guidelines, commandments, and rules that we must follow in order to live our lives in a way that we may one day, return to live with Them in Glory.
If there's anyone who can do it...it's you.
*Name Changed.
You continue to be an inspiration Andy! Thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with your Elders Quorum President, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteSteve
I agree, it is tough, and there is a lasting lonely feeling. Even though I havent gone to church in a long time, I still know its true, and I have a hope that I will get on that bus and go!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Andy!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you, Andy. I was once where you are and I know all too well the ache that grieves you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am still active in the Church and try in many ways to stay true to the orthodoxy of my younger years. I have, however, realized that as a gay man I'm not broken. I am not like a drug addict or someone suffering from depression. My nature is not deviant nor are my desires unnatural.
I am good and whole and at peace with who I am and what I will be. I am a child of God who is made in his image and he loves me because of who I am, not despite who I am.
Because he loves me, he has prepared a place for me where I might rise to my potential and ultimately find joy. And I know that place is not being bound to a woman for eternity. That just doesn't make sense.
Elohim said,"It is not good for man to be alone." The Lord also said through his prophet that we are that we might have joy. As you only too clearly know, there is no joy in loneliness.
It's a tragedy that so many straight people prefer us to remain alone--isolated from those who are like us, those who can best help us find our way.
Whether its friends or a partner, we need companionship to ultimately find peace in our lives. I'd encourage you to do just that--find companionship with good men who are like you and me.
God bless you, my friend, on your journey. I hope your suffering ends soon. If I can do anything to help, let me know.
Thanks for the post. My old bishop told me this right before I move. He told me that most people wouldn't have the maturity to deal with being in the church. I stopped going for a few weeks. But I went back.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't easy for me. Honestly, there are times when I feel like I want to huddle in a corner and cry. But at the same time, there are other times when I feel peace. I feel a good spirit.
It's such an interesting thing.
@Clive I don't know if I would mind being bound to a woman for eternity. I love my soon to be ex-wife a lot. The thought of being with her forever doesn't scare me. The thought of making her live a life unfulfilled on account of me does give me pause.
Theology aside, I agree with you. We need companionship with good men, solidarity. We need to stick together and help each other out.