Tonight was the staged reading of a new musical that is being co-produced by my university and a local theatre. A good number of people came. It was nice. I am excited to hopefully be in the show when it premieres in November.
After the show, I went out to eat with a good, dear, and close friend. We're basically twins. She's the smart, sassy one. I'm the cool one. Or is she the cool one, and I the sassy? Not sure. We are the same, after all.
Our conversation weaved in and out of topic tapestries filled with tales of strange dreams (nachos and peanut butter), the paranormal, and finally, to my confusion with religion and myself.
I don't know where I stand anymore.
I don't know where to turn.
I pray every night; but I feel as if God isn't there. Is He there?
Am I just not trying hard enough?
I'm looking for a reason to be gay. I'm looking for faults in the church so I can have a boyfriend. If the Church isn't true, then all I know about God may not be true and therefore, I can do whatever I want.
But, what is truth? What do I know? I have felt the power of God in my life. I have felt His spirit guide me. I have seen the awesome power of the Priesthood working in my life. I know these things are true...then, why...why does God give His children such a damning "lot" in life?
Will I ever be happy living in both worlds? Do I need to give up the Church I love to be happy? Or do I give up a life of love to be happy?
Hi! I don't know you, but I've been reading your blog for a few weeks. This post makes me want to give you a big hug. I wrote this a few months ago, I'd love for you to read it.
ReplyDeletehttp://5neals.blogspot.com/2010/09/manifesto.html
Ann-Michelle,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that link to your post. You are such an awesome person! I am glad that you are able to connect to the gay Mormon story so well. I also feel connected to your story.
You are so kind, so sweet...and...I don't even know you!
You are displaying the classic dilemma of the orthodox Mormon who bumps up against reality after a lifetime of being taught that God is only found within the LDS Church. And despite official disclaimers of respect for other faiths, that in fact is what the broader LDS membership believes. They have, if not a monopoly, at least the first place in line to God's truth and thus get (and have) more of it than anyone else.
ReplyDeleteSolution? Think of third ways. Consider the possibility that God is just as present and eager to bless those who are outside the strict confines of orthodox Mormonism. That you may not have to give up inspiration and God's power in your life if you conclude that you can't live with integrity and seek fulfilled happiness within Mormon rules.
What works for some may not work for others. I have met profoundly inspired and inspirational people who've never been Mormon in their lives but I see the light in them and the good fruits of their words and actions.
And be patient with yourself. This process will take a while. No reason to rush.
I'm going through this myself....I'd say you have to give up a black and white view of the church. Either the church is true and I can't have everything I want or I make the church not true so I can do what I want. The truth is neither one of these are viable options. It's a lot more ambiguous and difficult. The rules don't work for you anymore. So I think Rob's solution to think of it a "third" way is the best. It takes time. It isn't easy. I wish us both luck.
ReplyDeleteUh... what Rob said.
ReplyDeleteI like what Rob is saying. I also believe that God's love is more broad than we think it is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your lovely comment :) I'm at BYU as well. Maybe we'll cross paths.
Ann-Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI hope so!
I have one last thought.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE trying hard enough. You are trying harder to live the gospel than anyone I know.
Wait, wait. You have drunken sex, openly put up links to soft-core pornography on your blog and go places where you can't have the Spirit, but are confused when you don't get a reply to your prayers? You're answer seems a bit obvious to me...
ReplyDelete@Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteApparently you don't understand my blog. When I posted about getting drunk, it was something that I did do, not currently do.
In addition, what places are you referring to where I can't feel the Spirit? I'm not sure what you mean here.
I totally understand the link to the WGB. That is true. I have thought about removing it.
"In addition, what places are you referring to where I can't feel the Spirit? I'm not sure what you mean here."
ReplyDeleteWell, there's:
Bare-A Pop Opera, 8: The Mormon Proposition
For starters. Though I guess those are less places you're in so much as things you're watching. If I really wanted to get technical, however, wherever you watched those things would be places where you couldn't feel the Spirit.
I feel for you. I've been in your shoes. I empathize.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the feelings you speak of; not knowing where you stand or where to turn to be happy or whether God is listening to a single word you're saying or whether He cares or feeling like you're beating your head against the wall, but wondering still if there is more you can do.
I also know how it feels to want to justify your sexuality and to doubt the truthfulness of the LDS Church. And I know how it feels when doubting a religion that has shaped your life suddenly makes you doubt the God to whom that religion has always been connected.
Rob makes some very good and valid points. We are taught so much of the interconnectedness of God and Mormonism. If you doubt or go against one, you are going against the other. But I have learned that in spite of what we have often been taught and have been led to believe, the LDS Church is not God. That isn't to say that his spirit and truth are not to be found in Mormonism. They are. But his spirit, love, and truth exist in many facets of many religions and in no religion at all. My point is, I think God's love for his children is boundless and cannot be contained within the walls of a single church or within the confines of a particluar dogma or doctrine.
My relationship with the LDS Church still remains good. It is a positive one. The values and positive attributes I gained at the hands of being raised Mormon still remain intact, and I owe a lot to the religion I was born and raised in.
I still attend a Mormon ward (completely out of choice, not out of duty or obligation as I once did). I still glean much from it and throw out that which is not useful to me. Although I have frustrations with certain things members and leaders sometimes do, I still have a great love and positive feelings towards the Mormon religion.
When I was excommunicated a year and a half ago, I wondered if my world would fall apart; if I would lose the Spirit; if Satan's grasp on my life would increase as a result. These are certainly things I had been taught could happen. What I learned was quite the opposite: I learned just how much God loved, and continues to love, me; I learned that God only wants me to be happy and is happy that I AM happy; I learned that the Spirit is just as present in my life as it has ever been; I learned that God is actually bigger than any church.
One thing my Stake President said to me shortly before I was excommuicated was "Men can excommunicate you from the church, but no one can ever excommunicate you from your Father in Heaven." That is so true. I feel his love and blessings every day.
I imagine there are naysayers who would say I'm not truly happy (how could I be without the Church?) or that I've been deceived, but I can say, without any doubt, that they are wrong. Only God knows my heart with an absolute sure and intimate knowledge, and I know He knows I'm happy, and I know He is happy I am happy, and I feel Him bless my partner and me in our lives every day. Of course, I have an outside perspective now, and in many ways, it's given me a clear knowledge that is hard to see when you're constantly on the inside and seeing only one angle.
You know God exists. You say yourself you have felt His power.
I assure you He is real and loves you just for who you are. I also assure you that nothing you ever do would change that love. He knows you individually and knows the aches and pains of your particular heart. He knows your specific life circumstances and will judge you accordingly. I absolutely love what Ann-Michelle said in her post: "THE ENTIRE POINT IS I knew that judgement was God's job, and it was only my business to love people unconditionally."
We shouldn't be judging each other. Only God has that role.
(cont'd)
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you what to do. Only you can work that out with your Father, and He may actually tell you something unexpected. He knows your life with a perfect understanding. Trust what He tells you, whatever that turns out to be. But know this: He is real and He loves you and always will.
Good luck, wherever your journey may take you.
One thing that may help you to receive God's inspiration would be to remember that it is HIS will you are seeking to interpret and not your own. Many people pray and pray for answers to their questions, but they will never receive an answer if they are not willing to listen to what He says. You go on and on on your blog about how God loves you, and you are right. But what if God's answer to your question was one you couldn't accept? We must pray to find His will, and not our own. Only when you are completely willing to obey his will and not your own will you get an answer. Look to the Bible account of Abraham and Isaac for an example.
ReplyDeleteIn short, keep trying for an answer, but perhaps a change of attitude will help. Trust me on this, God knows better than you do what will bring you eternal happiness.
Several of us seem to be echoing the same sentiments that Rob originally posted, but I gotta add my two cents...
ReplyDeleteAs a gay LDS man, peace did not come for me until I separated "the church" (LDS Inc) from the gospel/our Savior/and my relationship with Heavenly Father.
In my opinion, the church is the vehicle that hopefully gets us closer to the other three things (gospel/Savior/God). But, the church isn't perfect because it is being handled by a group of imperfect mortals.