Last night, I decided to Facebook message a guy who I liked--who I thought liked me back. I just wanted to see if there could be something that happened between the two of us. He also attends BYU and he has a directing class with me.
Here is what I wrote:
(...) I...kinda like you. And if you're straight, I will feel super awkward and that's okay. And if you're gay and not interested, I'll feel super awkward, too. But it's all good. I'm trying to be honest in all parts of my life.
Anyway, that's it. Nothing more to say.
I then immediately texted my friend Ashleigh (name changed). I was super nervous and wanted to see what she thought before he responded. She quickly texted back and said, "Dallen (name changed) isn't gay. He's straight."
I started to freak out. What had I done? I stereotyped a perfectly good straight man into the gay category! Actually, I was pretty justified in my assumption. On his Facebook page, he continuously posts about Kylie Minogue, Mel Gisbon's eyes, Lady Gaga and other seemingly "gay" topics.
I waited and he finally responded. Dallen wrote,
To be honest, I'm not interested in that way, but it's all good. I really do like you and enjoy being with you. You're are fun. Do not worry yourself or feel embarrassed in any way. I still respect you and will keep this between us. I have been in WAAAAY MOOOORE AAAAWWWWKWWWWAAAAAARD situations. You are fine. Do not fret in the slightest. I understand that you are coming forward with something that is extremely personal, especially feelings-oriented, and that you may feel vulnerable. Please, don't worry or feel embarrassed or any less of yourself. Be at peace, and know that anything you've said has not affected any negative thoughts or feelings toward you. It's all cool.
In all truthfulness, his response did make me feel a little better.
But, I still feel like a douchebag. The biggest thing that irks me about this is the fact that I am feeling more alone each day when I go to school. The amount of gay guys in the HFAC seem to be dwindling...and the more and more I start to ask around, the less the "gay family" that I assumed to be in the HFAC is disappearing.
It was a stupid mistake.
Please, that was not a stupid mistake. What a cool thing for this guy to say back to you. I'd feel good just knowing that he's ok with it. I guess I'd be a bit embarrased too, but isn't it nice to not wonder and all.
ReplyDeleteBYU was such a hotbed of activity for me when I was there many years ago. Lots of social activity and more, not always good. I believe you are on a good path. I wish I would have had your self awareness and attitude when I was younger.
Maybe the amount of gay guys seems to be dwindling because not all actors are gay. And not all athletes, engineers, and English majors are straight. Just because you don't have as big of a "gay family" in the HFAC doesn't mean you are alone.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be to embarrassed about what happened with that guy. I mean,I once liked this awesome guy and I told him that I liked him and it turns out...he was gay. And I'm NOT talking about you. It is a lot better than a person of the same orientation as you saying, "NO! You are gross and stupid and I would never go out with you ever!" At least this way you can tell yourself, "Yeah, if he was gay...he would totally want this!"
Incidentally, he didn't say he's not gay. Just sayin'.
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