I am ready to stop trying. I am ready to give up.
I hate it, how people think they understand what I'm going through. No. You don't. You can't understand what I am going through until you're told from the Church, "We love you, but we can't let you hold hands with a guy. We can't let you kiss a boy. We can let you date a boy. We can't let you think about boys. Because if we did, we'd be allowing you to go to Hell. But...if you did all those things with girls, then, by golly! Do it!"
I am tired of being told that I have a "special" purpose because I'm one of the only few gay members of the Church that still goes to Church. I don't know if I want to do that.
And also, I'm tired of people telling me--especially my friends--"Andy, we will love you no matter what you decide to do with your life. But, we can't accept your lifestyle as right. I mean, you can come to my house with your partner, but...I'll still be sad for you...because, well....you're damning yourself."
I hate it. I'm tired of it.
Please, friends, family members, and Church...just really love me. Don't say, "Yeah, we love you, but hate your 'trial'--because we all know it's wrong."
Done. I'm done.
:/ I hate those kind of comments too. Whenever someone tells me I have a "special purpose" just because I'm gay, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. What is that even supposed to mean? It's like I'm a super hero and my special power is liking guys... Hooray! Let's help old ladies cross the street...
ReplyDeleteDon't quit :) Well... I guess that depends on what your quitting. Words can really wear you down, but I believe you know the truth; loving a boy ain't gonna send you to hell :P
Hope that kinda sorta helps!
Not 100% sure what you are "done" with, Andy, but if it's "done" with trying to fit the square peg of that kind of orthodox Mormonism into the round hole of who you really are and what really makes you happy, then I completely understand and will say congratulations on reaching a milestone in your personal progress. Virtually all of us come to this place at some point, the balance tips and things change permanently. Honestly, I've been wondering when it would happen to you, and now it sounds like it might have. Time for you to start taking more responsibility for yourself instead of drifting along on the Mormon Cultural Current. It will be interesting to watch!
ReplyDeleteI support you in being done with subjective love and conditional acceptance.
ReplyDeleteThere are people (Self included) who know how to love unconditionally and with no caveats attached to the love they proffer. Find those people. They are the ones who will truly keep you afloat in times of despair or struggle. Chin up ;)
I love you Andy. And I'm doing the best I can with the other stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you if you need me-literally down the street. Love you-TRULY.
ReplyDeleteAndy, we've never met, but I love the you I know from reading your blog, reading your cliff-hanger stories, seeing your video, feeling your spirit. I am saying a prayer for you right now. (pause to pray) As I prayed I saw you smiling. I hope that is a good omen.
ReplyDeleteAlong with what Apronkid said... no matter what anyone says, loving a boy is not gonna send you to hell.
ReplyDeleteYou make whatever decision feels right for you. I made the decision that was right for me and is working (staying with the Church and getting married) and hope people can respect that. Along with that, I respect whatever decision people make for their own lives.
The Mormon Culture Machine can be a ruthless monster that leaves victims in its wake. It's unfortunate. But the Gospel and Atonement of Jesus Christ is completely the opposite. The love our Savior has for us is unconditional and understanding. Whatever decision you make, I feel you will never be able to deny that.
Take care :)
Oh Andy I wish I could give you a big hug or something to cheer you up. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's a feeling I know all to well. I just want you to know that you are in my thought (I'd rather not say prayers) and I hope you feel better about life. It's not about what others feel or think. It's all about how you feel about things and where you find your happiness.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing, just thought you should know that.
Be done with orthodoxy, take the good you have learned and rebuild a new life. Anyone who tells you Joseph Smith was "orthodox" in any sense of the word is nuts. He was enlightened and pretty "wild and crazy" for his day. How many guys do you know that had all those wives, and started several new communities, etc.
ReplyDeleteI think expecting orthodoxy from yourself is going to drive you nuts.
As many have said you don't have to be in the church to find joy and purpose in life. You don't have to be in the church to have a deep and personal relationship with God and benefit fully from what Jesus did for all the world. Now isn't that the "Good News" that Christ came to tell us anyhow?
ReplyDeleteAndy,
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath and step back from the situation. How is it that you want people to respond do you? Have you told them, or are you just expecting them to meet your needs and wants by clairvoyance? People usually aren't that perceptive, especially when it comes to something they may not relate to. Hang in there!
@Everyone--Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and understanding. It has been a rough last couple of days, but I think I have managed to get through them. It's a new week with new opportunities to try again and be better.
ReplyDeleteLove you all!
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ReplyDeleteAndy - Having done the BYU experience and serving as a Missionary (AP even) - then coming out as gay, but working to fix it - then gay [period]... I've been through what you're going through. I did Evergreen, saw counselors at BYU, saw counselors post graduation, spoke with many ecclesiastical leaders (some good, some very bad)... but the most liberating feeling is when you realize that Heavenly Father loves you without condition - and then you're free to live your live, love who you want, and be the great person the Mormon Church taught you to be... BUT without any conditions. I've met dozens and dozens of gay Mormons - you're not alone. Some have horror stories of excommunication and family abandonment - and others (like myself) are fortunate and blessed to have had loving and supporting family and friends.
ReplyDeleteBe courageous enough to live your life for you. You are entitled to answers to prayer and priesthood blessings. You're entitled to find love and happiness. As for me and my life - I choose to love who I love - be charitable with my resources and talents - and generally be a loving and caring person. I'm certain will see heaven with my loving family once this short ride on this planet is over.
I wish they had blogging and Facebook when I was at BYU.... which wasn't even that long ago.
You're loved - there are many who've gone through just what you're experiencing.
All my best,
Andrew G.