Questions Without Answers

Earlier this year, Boyd, from Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy wrote about his way from spiritual darkness to light. However, most Mormons could take his personal journey and say that it was light to darkness.

Simply put, Boyd had spent countless hours studying the scriptures, speaking with Church leaders (including Elder Christiansen), going to the temple, and praying. I do not know what exact answer he was looking for, but the answer he did receive was shocking: "Boyd, you are to find a husband and adopt three children." Amazingly enough, that revelation came from within the walls of the Lord's House--the temple.

Ever since reading that, these many months ago, this experience has weighed heavily on my mind. I have tried to understand a few questions:

• If the revelation did come from God, what does it mean for members of the Church who experience same-gender attraction?
• Is our salvation less cookie-cutter than we are led to believe, thus making salvation a very personal life journey?
• Since the revelation came from the temple, does that mean it came from God? Are we not taught that the temple is the House of the Lord and that it is protected? (Not necessarily from unworthy individual, but at least from Satan)

I actually tried to get these answers from my local bishop. You all know him as Bishop L. He is a good man, inspired by God. However, we had a conversation about happiness and homosexuality and it is as follows.

"Bishop, I have a question about being happy."

"Go for it."

"I know three couples, all of which are gay, who have been recently married. They seem so happy. They are full of life. I can see the light of Christ in their eyes. My question is, if they are living in sin, then why are they so happy?"

He took a moment. I could tell he was thinking about his answer.

Hastily I added, "All these men are returned missionaries, who have stated they know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and that they received personal witnesses from the Lord telling them that they should get married to another man. Will they be damned to eternity?"

He cleared his throat. "First off, I believe that they are happy. Those friends of yours are doing what they believe to be right. Does that mean that they will be damned for all eternity? I don't think so."

Whatever my bishop said next, I can't remember. The idea that they wouldn't be damned for all eternity shook me. I had always been taught that there was only one right answer--for religion and otherwise--and now I was finding out that there could be two right answers? Three? Five thousand?

I've been trying to ask others around me; those who are gay, those who are straight. They all seem to come to a similar conclusion--they found out what worked best for them. But, is that pride? Ow...my brain is starting to hurt.

What do you guys think?

My Latest Film--Room for Rent

Please let me know what you think!

Briana's Reaction

I am sure that some of you are wondering how Briana reacted to the news. Some of you may have been wondering why I wrote a letter. Actually, writing the letter and clicking on the send button were the worst part of it.

The first thing she said was, "For several moments during our friendship, I've felt like I did want to start a relationship with you, but...something wasn't quite...THERE."

Knowing that she already "knew" was a great relief for me.

She said some more thing and then said, "I want you to know that this doesn't change how I feel about you, and I hope you still want to hang out. You are SO funny, incredibly sweet, and absolutely brilliant. I'm so glad to have a friend like you-someone I can hang out with and eat ridiculously rich cupcakes with."

It's great to know that she didn't have a big problem with it. She is an awesome girl and she is nice and willing to be friends. She's fantastic.

Over the weekend, we made a movie together. I'll post a link to it here when it's finished.

I am just really glad to end the stress of trying to date "normally". No more of that for a while.

Telling Briana

I just told Briana via letter.

A Talking Penis and Halloween?

So, I was walking in the BYU Bookstore the other day, and I had a mini freak-out. I walked passed this display and my mind immediately read, "Talking Penis".

I wonder what Freud would have to say about that...


And, I'm having Halloween issues. If there is ANYONE out there who can help me out, please. I am begging you. My issue is that the foam latex application is normally off-white, so, when you add a color, it's going to be that color PLUS the off-white, changing it's shade. It's the same with my face. So, the application and the makeup on my face are different colors. It's driving me insane.

Here's a little taste of what it will look like when it's done. But, I've got to find a way to fix it.

Heck YES!

I made it! I am now officially a Theatre Ed major at BYU! Hells, yes!

I have a future!

BYU Provo Theatre Ed Facts:

Largest theatre ed program in the world. Second is London.

100% Job Placement after graduation.

More theatre ed students do shows, productions than acting or MDT students at BYU

It's pretty much the best major...ever!

Yay for me! Wa-hoo!

Does it Get Better?

Does it get better?

I just watched an emotional video by Joel Burns, a Texan city official who spoke about the recent suicides and bullying.

The video is powerful and gives a message of hope for anyone who is thinking about taking their own life due to feelings that they did not wish to have, and for hatred they do not wish to endure.

Watching it myself, I had to ask, "Does it get better?" I mean, most people who know me know that I experience same-gender attraction. They know that I am gay. I have a good support system. My friends and family love me, although I know that they would never fully accept me if I were to have a partner. They have said the classic, "Well, we would love you and care for you, but we still cannot accept sin."

You know what? That makes me really sad. It hurts me. It makes me feel like, if I were to ever get a partner, that I would have to ostracize myself from my family and friends because they would feel uncomfortable around me. They wouldn't accept me.

These are the people who watch Glee and cheer for Kurt. These are the people who love Modern Family and think the gay couple is fantastic.

But...with me...it would be anything fantastic for them if I were to get a partner.

It's the whole Church thing, too. No one knows why God gives His children challenges. Why does God allow someone to be born with their brother or sister still attached to them? Why does God allow someone to be born into the slums, where their life will most likely amount to a life of drugs, gangs and death? Why does He allow that? I'm not sure. It's not like God pushed Play on the world and said, "Okay. Do your thing. I'll be back in a few thousand years," and just left us. He's there...but...sometimes seems really distant.

Will my life get better?

I need to tell Briana who I really am attracted to. The "relationship" has gotten to a point where I need to tell her. It's time. I don't want to have someone invest in something they may not want to.

I'm trying to do what is right. I really really really am. I am trying to be good and to be a better person. I am trying to do what God wants of me (get a wife and have a family)...but...the harder I try, the less I feel connected with God.

And...I hate it when people, who look up to me, can't follow my example. Or, if they feel like I am "unworthy" to be their friend.

I don't know what to do. For now, I don't see how it can get better.

P.S. How should I tell Briana? Should I bake her a cake with the words, "I'm gay!" on them? Ideas?

To Love is the Greatest Gift

Today, 12 Oct 2010, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued an official statement regarding the HRC protest and the recent slew of gay teen suicides. The article is well written and deserves to be read by anyone who wishes to understand the current position the LDS church has on the LGBT community.

Speaking confidently about the recent suicides, the Church spokesperson said, "Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment - to love one another."

He goes on to adamantly declare that using the Church's doctrine of marriage to belittle others who do not believe the same teachings should"... never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down." The members of the Mormon religion who use Christ's doctrine of marriage revealed to His ancient and modern prophets in order to hate, belittle, or be cruel to any person is completely wrong. In essence, this statement simply says, "If you're Mormon and someone doesn't believe what you believe...then that's fine. You can't use Mormonism to bully."

Lastly, the spokesperson focused on love. He said, "The Church’s doctrine is based on love. We believe that our purpose in life is to learn, grow and develop, and that God’s unreserved love enables each of us to reach our potential."

Some people who are opposed to the Church will undoubtedly take the Church's response and dissect it until it becomes words of hate. However, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a gospel based off of the teachings of Jesus Christ who ultimately taught to love one another.

And everyone, regardless of belief or sexual identity, needs to learn how to do the same.

Read the full text of the statement, here.

I've Gotta Come Clean...

So, I've been dating this girl for about three weeks now. For realsies. This isn't a joke, its legit.

We met in my Theatre Education class at the end of August and we've been hanging out for quite some time. We're not, official or anything, but...yeah...things are goood???

She likes me and I like to spend time with her. She kinda looks like Lea Michele from Glee, which is pretty awesome. Actually, that was the first thing that I told her. She's nice and all, but...I wanted to try my hand in the dating world, and it dealt me very well, but...I'm afraid to move forward.

Its probably because I don't want to move forward. I do and I don't. I do, because I want to see if this may turn into something deeper and so that I can do what is right and get married and have kids blah blah blah. I don't, because..I'm not attracted to her physically. Yes, I like to spend time with her, but I like to spend time with my feeble aunt....doesn't mean I want to marry my aunt.

Eventually, she'll find this blog, if she hasn't already. If so, Briana, I'm sorry you had to find out this way...so lame.

For example, she came over to my house today and we watched, "While You Were Sleeping". During one of the commercial breaks, this commercial came on.

All I could think about was the guy. Yes, he's attractive, but I thought of myself as the girl. Being together with the man the she loves, a gentle caress, pillow fights....

It really made me want to call it off. But, I kept my mouth shut.

Which was probably a good thing.

Meh....

My thoughts are in a bind. I'm getting more confused each day.

The Talk that Shook the MoHo World

Speaking about same-sex attraction, Boyd K. Packer said in front of millions of Church members around the world, "Some suppose that they [same-sex attractions] were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father."

This simple idea has thrown me for a loop. Then, what of trials? Aren't we taught from the Book of Mormon that "God give[s] unto men weakness that they may be humble; and...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27). Clearly, God gives men trials to remind them of His goodness and His grace.

Then comes Boyd K. Packer saying, "Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"

So, the questions arise,

• Why would He do that?
• Is homosexuality a trial, or just a temptation?
• Are trials and temptations the same thing?
• Should we even care where homosexuality comes from?

Now, dear friend and loyal reader, I do not disagree with the Christ's teaching that homosexuality is wrong. I do, however, disagree with the way Boyd K. Packer presented his argument. He called those who struggle with homosexuality, "impure and unnatural". Any young teenager who was listening or viewing that talk feels even more unworthy or abnormal than before. What if that young child was or is contemplating suicide? Has this talk just added one more brick to the burden that is weighing so heavily upon that son or daughter of God's shoulders?

We must all take a stand to remind our gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender brothers and sisters that they are loved.

We must all take a stand to remind any church member that all trials come from God. These trials may be given to us from birth or later on in our lives. The idea that these trials are not given by God should be evaluated on an individual basis.

Boyd K. Packer may have set the Church's progress on accepting those who experience same-gender attraction back a few years. In order for us to make sure that we continue forward, is to spread the knowledge of love, appreciation and care for those who experience these God-given trials. They must know to make the best of their lives in whatever circumstances that they choose to live.