Andy's Guide to Being Gay # 3: The Woman Inside

The following must be either read aloud in a harsh Minnesotan woman accent, or read by Sarah Palin.

Most of you homosexual men out there can agree that you have some feminine tendencies. Even though you may be the "straight" gay man who loves steak and Levi's, deep down you've got a feminine side. This can have almost complete and dominating control over you to the point that people actually think you are a woman, or it can be as subtle as the simple desire to try and reproduce with another man.

Whatever the case may be, you've got a little woman inside of you that is screaming to get out.

Below are some suggestions on how to release that woman and let her own the world.

(1) Take a cooking class. You might find it strange, but cooking is very feminine and only real women can cook. I mean, just look at Emeril Lagasse and Jamie Oliver: Gay. So, gay!

(2) When you're having a bad day, sit down in front of the TV with a bucket of ice cream and watch "He's Just Not Into You". There is nothing more feminine than spending countless hours pitying yourself by watching chick flicks and eating fatty frozen milk. If you want to let that woman out, you need to get on this train.

(3) Learn how to knit. Knitting is very therapeutic and can help aid against the beginnings of carpal tunnel and arthritis. If you want to help release that inner woman, you can knit an ugly sweater consisting of cats wearing Patriotic hats or something. That screams homosexuality. For sure.

(4) Eat at Zupas.

That little biotch inside of you needs some Tomato Basil Soup, or at least a Nuts About Berries Salad. For some reason, women are somehow telepathically attached to Zupas and must eat there at least once a week. You don't believe me? The next time you go to Zupas, count how many men are eating there. If there are men there they are either (1) with their wife or (2) on a date with another gay man.

(5) Care too much about what you look like. For most women, spending 15 minutes getting ready is a cardinal sin. Some gay men think that way, too. They are so focused on their looks that they spend too much time in front of the mirror getting ready. Both these men and women need to realize that they are beautiful just the way that they are, and hours of preparation will neither add nor distract from that component.

There you have it. If you're gay and that woman inside of you is just aching to get out, simply follow one of the prescribed steps above and you'll be more gay instantly!

Pretty People and Babies

Since I have been sick all day and last night, I didn't go to work today. Instead, I stayed home (near the bathroom) and watched the History Channel. When I got bored with that, I started to FaceBook Stalk people. You may think I'm weird...but we all do it.

Anyway, as I was facebookstalking one of the guys I knew from my mission, I realized how pretty he was. Then, as I continued to look at his pictures and profile, I noticed that everyone who he hangs out with is pretty.

You know the type: Hot, tan, muscular, perfect hair, perfect style of dress, lots of guy friends. Wait. Did I just describe the typical gay man? Unfortunately, this guy is not gay. However, he does hang out with extremely attractive people. I just want to go up to him and his group and friends and shout, "PLEASE HAVE AN ORGY! That way, when your girl friends conceive, they will be birthing some of the most beautiful babies ever!"

But I won't do that.

Which brings me to my next point: babies.

As I was watching TV today, and eating Saltine crackers and sipping Gatorade (thanks, Clarise), I saw a Kodak commercial:

This commercial got me very teary eyed. It wasn't because of the sexy camera, but...the beauty that comes with new life. As I watched that commercial, I couldn't help but say to myself, "Andy, will you ever experience this moment? Will you ever be in the hospital with a new born baby? Probably not."

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but...I don't think I will ever be able to experience what this young father gets to. I'm not talking about taking pictures, but of the joy and love that comes from holding something he created. It's just another aspect of being gay.

It's alright, though. I'll just put my sperm into a petri dish and mix it with...Beyonce's egg, and...we would have a child like this:

Yeah. That's one hot baby.

Arizona

It's been a while since I've posted something on here. I've been visiting my older sister and her husband. They have a daughter named Kate, and it was her very 1st birthday! Since I only get to see my family twice a year, once in the summer and once at Christmas, I figured this would count for the summer trip.

I flew down on Thursday afternoon and spent all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday with my sister and my brother in law and my little angel. It was great to see them. My mom, dad and two younger brothers and sister came as well. It was a good, short vacation that I desperately needed.

It was fun to be away from Provo, but I am glad to be back. Provo is my home (for now). I like it here.

Original Music

Hey friends!

Wow, I've been posting a lot. And, for the most part, it's been pretty chill stuff. And some stuff that's kinda weird....like the Harry Potter thing. I mostly just posted that for kicks and giggles. Plus, I'm going convert this blog into a book soon, so I wanted to have that as a memory.

Anyway, this is called "Ending Moment" and I think it would be for the very end of a song. I wrote this last night. I found this sound mixing software and I am loving it. The sound quality of the instruments is amazing!

Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Harry Potter, 15 Years Later

About two years ago, my friends and I were delving into the deep world of Harry Potter. We tried to imagine what their lives would be like 15 years after the seventh book ended. What we came up with is a treasure trove of inspiration and comic genius. You don't believe me? Look below.



Here's Harry, 15 years since the last book ended. His wife, Ginny Weasley, got a sex change and is now the man she/he has always wanted to be. Because of the harsh realities of live, Harry has gained over 400 lbs and spends most of his time playing World of Warcraft and talking to his Japanese friends on Skype.



Ahh, the good looks and graciousness of Ginny Weasley! As soon as he/she divorced Harry, she...I mean...he went out and got the old "switch-er-roo" operation. Ginny can know be pleased the way he/she has always needed to be pleased. Since she is now a he, they share custody of their first and only child: Tom Riddle.



Harry and Ginny decided to name their son Tom Riddle because Harry thought it would be funny. All the kids make fun of Tom at school, and call him names.

Of course, there are other characters as well. Hermione Granger? has suffered a nervous breakdown and Ronald Weasley has changed his name to Ron Howard the II and now directs porno films. Harry also keeps the Baby Lord Voldemort as a pet and butler, and Harry spends most of his time hanging out with Kermit the Frog or Trya Banks.

So, what do you guys think?

Jealousy

You know what sucks? Seeing my friends do the things that they want to do and realize that I am just sitting on my butt not doing the things that I want to do.

One of my friends just recently won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay in an Original Short Film (College Academy Awards). The same film, "Inspector 42" also won Best Director.

I guess I'm still bitter for not making it into the film program. I feel like now that I've decided to be a teacher my life will only amount to sitting in my office...

Wow. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really beating myself up here.

For some reason, I want the world to know who I am; so that when I die, my life will have meant something to someone. Being famous, having an influence over millions of people, taking home an Oscar sometimes seems like that's the only way.

Of course, that's not true.

Being a good friend and a good mentor is better than any trophy I could ever receive.

Andy's Guide to Being Gay # 2: The Gay Card

The following post must either be read aloud by a snooty British man, or read to yourself in your head in a snooty British man accent.

There are many perks and pleasantries that come from being a Sodomite, or in other words, a homosexual man. Other than the excuse to blame your emotions on your attraction to your same gender, you are entitled to The Gay Card. This card is easy to come by, and any homosexual man or woman can have one. However, there are some stipulations on how you can receive your card, and how you can get it taken away.

How to Receive Your Gay Card



(1) Be attracted to the same gender. (That's the easy part)
(2) Dress as fashionably as you can, especially in the Winter. Please try to add Lady Gaga influences when possible.
(3) Dance in the dark.
(4) Dance naked in the shower to Celine Dion at the age of 14.
(5) Be snobby, dramatic, overachieving, and above all: loveable.

How to Have Your Gay Card Retracted



(1) If you watch football because you actually enjoy it.
(2) If you wear Levi's.
(3) If you've never seen an episode of "Glee".
(4) The phrase, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" means nothing.
(5) If you think steak is the best kind of meat you can put in your mouth.

Of course, there are other ways to receive your gay card and there are other ways that the card can be retracted. If you have yet to receive your gay card, I recommend to follow the steps above until you have received it. Only another homosexual man or woman can give you a gay card and only a homosexual can take it away. If you have had your card retracted, my advice is to stop doing all of the above, and learn to love Glee, and meat other than steak.

Finally, if you already have your gay card and you know someone who hasn't received theirs, do all you can to help them out. Likewise, if you have someone's gay card, isn't it about time that you've given it back?

(You can stop talking in a British accent now)

Do you know what today is? CUTE BOY FRIDAY! YAY!

Jihadun-Naf

To experience a Jihadun-naf is to have the intimate struggle to purify one's soul of evil influences -- both subtle and overt. This was the case for 8 men and women who were the subject of the documentary film, "A Jihad for Love". The film chronicles the lives of these men and women who are gay Muslims and their efforts to win the Holy War against brutality to homosexuals in their faith.

One man, named Mahim, lived in Egypt. There, he was taken captive by the Egyptian police because he practiced a homosexual lifestyle. Below are two photos of Mahim and others who were sentenced to four years in prison.


They were treated like animals, forced to hide their faces from public. While in prison, they were beat with lead pipes and raped by other men. They were tortured with the same hamas, or "sin" that they were committing.

Next, a young man was caught with his boyfriend. His father had died in the Iraq-Iran war. The police condemned him for "...betraying his father, who was a martyr". He received 100 lashes and was forced to leave the country.


As I sat watching the struggle that these men and women were facing, I couldn't help but thing how lucky I am to live in a country that "tolerates" homosexuality. Even though hate crimes still exist, the government does not kill those who are gay. Many societies around the world consider homosexuality a complete abomination and carry out capital punishment by stoning or hanging the accuser to death. It pained me to see those men tell their stories and just...sob. They fled from their homes, their families and their lives to survive. Life shouldn't be like that.

One man had been married, had children, and then divorced his wife. He did not abandon his family. He still sees his kids and they respect him as their father. He asked them what would happen if the Islamic government decided to stone him. They said, "Daddy, I would not let them, I would not let them!"

Growing up in a very conservative religion, I felt a connection with these men and women. All of them mentioned how much they prayed for Allah to take this problem away. Some fasted for 80 days during the Ramadan, and still they were not cured. Many men I associate with have done the same thing. They have prayed to their Heavenly Father for years to be cured. They have fasted, served missions, and even been married all with the hope that by doing what was "expected" of them, they would be right in the sight of their Creator.

To those who are gay and belong to any religion who feel hopeless, I say: You are loved. You are not wrong, you are not sick, you are not broken or diseased or damaged or going to Hell. You are loved. God, Allah, Jehovah, G-d, As-Salām, Buddah, Creator, Fate, Destiny, Ewya, whoever...loves you for you. You were created for a purpose and no one should tell you any differently.

We are in the middle of a war. A war for love. Please, let's do what we can to help our brothers and sisters on the front lines wherever we may be.

Pain and Pleasure

There are two parts to this post:

Pain:
I'm gonna be 100% honest with you all. I've been lying and cheating for the last week of my life. I got a personal trainer. And my body is as sore as ever! My butt hurts so bad! (Yes, from doing squats and buso squats...sicko)

Talking with Spencer, I've learned that if I lose at the minimum 2lbs a week, I will be 56 lbs lighter by September. Yeah. Pretty frackin' amazing. But...it hurts. It hurts like hellsies. However, I can work through it so I can get to the pleasure part.

Pleasure:

Yeah. One day...I will look like this...maybe...

P.S. That's also the picture to start off "Cute Boy Friday's".

Andy's Guide to Being Gay # 1: The Fag Hag

Being gay can be a daunting task, but with the help of a Fag Hag, life can be much easier!

To find a fag hag, one must search for a considerable amount of time. The easiest place to find your match is to seek out the clubs and bars most commonly filled with homosexual men. However, if the club and bar does not spark your interest, please find your fag hag at your nearest college theatre and arts building.

A fag hag must be a woman of exceptional taste. She must enjoy the same things you do, and must give her time and energy to make you happy. The duties of a fag hag vary from city, town, state, and nation. However, all must follow the criteria below:

(1) Be beautiful in mind, body, and spirit.
(2) Be able to dance to Our Lady of Gaga.
(3) Accept you no matter what.
(4) Dress as fashionably as she can.
(5) Enjoy criticizing others personalities and, of course, clothing.
(6) She must set you up with other men.
(7) Have an undying love for chocolate and Channing Tatum.

If your fag hag is able to fulfill all the above criteria, then you've found yourself an exceptional best friend!

If not, please take a look at the photos below. You may be able to find some inspiration as you see the "Real Life Fag Hags of Andy".

Holly G.



Katrina R.



Clarise A.



As you can see, a fag hag is an extraordinary aspect of a homosexual man's life. But, most importantly, a fag hag is a friend; one that will always be there, no matter what.

What other criteria should a fag hag have?


P.S. I love you girls! You are the reason for my existence!

What am I Here for?

Boyd recently mentioned existentialism. Interestingly enough, that has been the subject of my Humanities 202 class discussions.

The quotes below are directly from Professor Ransom and other students in my Humanities 202 class.

"What if I believe in one thing, but I choose to act another? Are we capable of this? Do we do this?" She then gave the example of the man who entered into the Amish village and brutally shot little girls. She said that he had reached a climax in his life where he thought he was the victim. She went on to say, "...a person can so poison their [life], thinking they're a victim and believing that and whatever they do they have no choice and they have to do it, because they were a victim."

A student raised her hand. Professor Ransom called on her.

"This poison that you're talking about...i-i-it's truly how sin works. Its the reason of sin. We justify what we are doing. I don't think that there is a way that we can be totally in our right mind and do something that is so horribly wrong and...it's that justification that makes us act a certain way."

Professor Ransom then added, "So, you have to step back and realize that you have certain convictions and every act that you make is a choice and has it's consequences...

...the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have no freedom; that we have no choice; that we had to act that way. However, our choices are never forced upon us. Things can happen; we can be born in certain environments, we can have certain disadvantages and advantages but we still have choices...

...if I were born with a genetic disposition to drink alcohol and to say that I am going to be different, then [yes] we already know that."

Then she went in for the kill.

"But, if I choose to not drink alcohol, and I become a person who doesn't drink alcohol and I fight whatever tendencies that I may have...that's my essence."

The reason why I know exactly word for word what she said is because I began recording her lecture. It was a beautiful lecture, but one that really got me thinking. I began to think why I was predisposed to have this trait in my life. Was it because I am just different? Is there a Higher reason for this? Or, am I just a natural course of things? But, if I am a natural course of things, that completely debunks the Plan of Salvation and leaves me to wonder if there even is a God. If there is a God, then wouldn't He want me to have the essence that He created me with? Or, does He want to go against what I have been given and choose another essence? Is this really my trial to bear?

I'm sorry for all these questions. Yesterday was just one of those days when I step back and start to wonder if what I am doing is right. I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but almost every day I am conflicted. I feel right in my heart, but my soul at times, feels different. I feel like I am gay for a reason, yet at times, I feel like I am nothing for being gay. At times, I feel like God wants nothing other than my happiness in this life, but at the same time, God lets me know that if I choose happiness here, then I will not be happy in the next life.

Oh, the frailty of man! If only we know our exact purpose and nature. Everyone is so different, there is so much variety, that I cannot see God letting all His children who have heard the truth to only have one chance. But, at the same time, I feel like Satan is on my left shoulder whispering into my ear telling me that there is no God and that there is no Devil, and this way he is carefully leading me down into the depths of Hell.

What am I here for? What I am to do?

Cimmeria Grove, The Musical

Finally, we're all done with shooting! This project has taken up the last couple months of my life...well, the weekends anyway, and it's going to be an amazing short film!

It's about a town where everything is perfect and everyone is happy. So happy, in fact, that they break out in song and dance at random times during the day, and everyone surprisingly knows all the dance moves and words to the song. Then, one day, Doyle moves in. He's not always happy, and he doesn't wear bright pastel colors. The town tries to get him to see eye to eye. However, Doyle starts to notice that although everyone in the town is extremely happy, people have deep, dark secrets which he begins to uncover.

Here's one of the many moments the town is super happy:


Yup, that's me in the back.

Well...off to watch conference.