A Mayan Adventure and Oscar

Tonight, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to The Gay Escape's monthly get together. Tonight, we went to the Mayan. It's a restaurant with hunky guys diving off of fake rocks...and overpriced Mexican food. It was amazing!

At first, I was super duper nervous to go. I felt like I was going to be sick all day. Thankfully, my friend Boskers came, too. So, at least I knew someone there.

When we arrived, there were about 15 guys standing in the waiting area. I looked at them and I was like, "These guys are all gay. They have to be who we're looking for." After I made my first awkward hello, the night just got better.

Everyone was so nice and relax and chill. It was not what I was expecting. I was shocked. There are NORMAL gay men who live in Utah. Not everyone is after sex! I am amazed. I made new great friends. I loved it.

Now, for the really important part:

March 7th. 5:00 p.m. An Oscar Extravaganza.

My house. Everyone is invited. You can bring your straight friends, or gay ones. Or transsexual ones. Whatever. Whoever. It's gonna be amazing. Just RSVP on the guest list.

The End.

Be Happy

I was shopping the other night with one of my best friends, Clarise. You all know her by now. She's been mentioned in this blog many a time.

Last night, as her and I walked aimlessly through the frozen food section of Macy's in Provo, I brought up the subject of Frankenstein's monster. I told her how much I related to him. He exclaims that he once felt like Adam, "but now is the fallen angel". His only hope is to walk aimlessly around the earth, finding happiness in nothing until death is his only release.

I told her that I felt connected to the monster. I felt that I had been created like Adam, only to become the fallen angel. She stopped.

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
"What?" I asked.
"You keep focusing on the bad things. On how you feel sorry for yourself. You don't focus on the happy parts of your life."
This came as quite a shock to me. I thought I was always a pretty happy person.
She continued. "You don't need to always be saying, 'Why me? Why did God do this to me?' Why can't you accept it and move on?"

I was going to try to explain myself, but stopped. I realized that I need to move on and focus on the good things that come from being gay and not the bad things. So, in lieu of her proposal, here are the top ten things I think are great things that come from being gay...or attracted to the same gender...or...whatever you want to call it.

These are in no particular order.

(1) Being able to watch Disney movies and have no other excuse other than you enjoy them. (Or because fact have the hunkiest cartoon characters around)




(2) I realize that I can never do things alone. I must always rely on a higher power.



(3) I can be a Cuddle Slut.



(4) I have learned how to love people for who they truly are, and not what the world expects them to be. I don't have to rely on the judgments of others. I can meet that person and then judge for myself. If Christ loves everyone, then...by golly, I can too.




(5) I can listen to Lady Gaga as loud as I want without having to explain myself. I also can try and covert those who don't believe in Our Lady of Gaga.


And...I'm too tired to think of the next five...so I'm gonna ask for help:

What do you guys/gals think is the best part of being gay? Or, what makes you the most happy by being gay?

Why We Love, "The Little Mermaid"

It will come as no surprise to many of you that the Disney film, “The Little Mermaid” was one of my favorites growing up. Tonight, almost 15 years later from the last time seeing it, I sat down with my good friend Clarise and watched it with her.

Immediately I drew a new connection with Ariel. She’s different than everyone else. She doesn’t obey the rules, she doesn’t do what her father asks of her, and all she wants is to be loved by someone she can never have.

After rescuing the dashing and hot (in a Disney cartoon way) Prince Eric from the shipwreck, she sings the beautiful reprise to “Part of Your World”.

What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?



As I paid attention to the lyrics as an adult gay man, they struck a different chord within me. I tried in vain to hold back a few tears as the song unfolded. These words are words that I have said to myself when wondering what I would do to be loved by another man.

Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world




I could imagine myself with the man I loved, just…being together. The two of us; free to love one another. That’s what it all comes down to…love. There is a huge misconception that heterosexuals have relationships and gay people have sex. Gay people want to be loved just like anyone else. This song was what I’ve been trying to tell people all along.

I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world

What would I give? Would I give up my membership in the only Church that I believe and know to be true for myself? Would I give up my family relationships to pursue a life of love?



I think Sebastian, the crab, put it the best. When he finds out when Ariel has traded her voice to the Sea Witch, Ursula for legs, he says, “I'm gonna march meself home and tell him right this minute--and don’t you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life”.



We can’t live a life of misery just because we aren’t like the “normal fish”. We can’t be expected to hang our heads in sorrow and do just like everyone else does. We have been given a blessing to be different. We have been given the opportunity to share in one of the best parts of the human experience: love.

Now…if only I can get the courage to pursue that dream myself.

One day...

I will wake up about thirty minutes before you. Walking down the hall, I will glance back at your slumbering body and I say to myself, "How did I ever get so lucky to be with you?"

Careful not to make too much noise, I pull out skillets from our cupboards and eggs from the refrigerator. I am a great cook so I start to whip together the perfect egg omlette. As I cook your breakfast, I hear a noise behind me and your arms wrap around me in a tender embrace.

"Good morning," you say.

I reply with a kiss.

"Please, no bacon this time," he implores as he grabs a cup of orange juice. "You now I can't stand it."

I smile at his picky eating habits and hand him his omlette.

"There's bacon in this."

"No," I say. "There isn't."

He looks me in the eye and says, "How did I ever get so lucky to be with you?"

My friends call me a hopeless romantic. Maybe I am. I am one of those people who believes that there is true love in the world, and that love should and can be experienced by anyone who pursues it. I am looking for that love.

I wonder if I will ever find it?

My New Zealand Roommate

The first night I came out to my roommates, we all had a really good discussion about homosexuality. Tonight, as I was watching figure skating, my roommate from New Zealand comes and sits next to me on the couch. We talk for a bit and then he brings up Prop 8.

Of course, I tell him my opinions.

"I believe when two people love each other, whether they be male or female, should have the constitutional right to be married."

This created a huge debate ranging from "God didn't create Adam and Steve" to "There is so much evidence of kids turning out crazy if they are raised by a homosexual couple". That one turned my blood to ice.

I have good friends who were raised by lesbians and they are as straight as they come. Those friends obviously have issues, but what kid doesn't? He said that there was a shortage of kids who need to be adopted in the country so people have to go "overseas" to adopt kids. I wanted to punch him in the face. How arrogant is this kid? My little brothers and sister were adopted into my family. There is NO SHORTAGE of kids who need to be adopted in the United States. In my opinion it is better for a little boy or girl to be raised by a homosexual couple who will love them, rather to be raised in a foster home, or a place where they will receive no love.

Then, he talked about my membership in the Church. Granted, I am still active. I have been going to Church and fulfilling my calling. I just know that I will have to make one of three decisions:

(1) Stay celibate and live a life alone.
(2) Get over my faggoty ways and marry a woman and try to have sex with her with my eyes closed while thinking of Ryan Reynolds so I can put my seed into her and make a baby so I can be saved in the Celestial Kingdom of Heterosexuals.
(3) Eventually leave the church to pursue a life of gay lasciviousness.

Can you tell that I am a little angry with him? Thankfully, I voiced my opinion. Pretty strongly.

"No!" I retorted, "I don't believe that."
"God did not create homosexuality," he said.
"He made me the way that I am and I have to accept that."

Gosh! What a doofus! Then, to make it worse, EVERYTIME he talks to me about homosexuality, he makes me feel so bad, and so sinful, that he makes me want to hump the next girl who walks into the room so I can be saved by making babies with her.

I am so not going to be able to sleep tonight...

The Woman in the Petticoat

Looking back, I have definitely pinpointed the defining moment when I realized I was gay, or rather, what made me gay. I was fourteen years old, and I was ready to experience the Mormon equivalent of a youth Mecca: The Pioneer Trek.



For weeks, my mother sewed my outfit. I wish I had pictures of it, because I can't really remember it. All I know is that I had a pair of overalls made out of denim, a straw hat, a plaid shirt, and of course, boots. I was probably the most authentic pioneer young man...ever.

The first day was Hell on Earth. We had handcarts and we went 14 miles the first day. All they fed us was water and oranges during the day. Then, when we finally set up camp, it was 2:30 in the morning. They fed us broth and a roll. It was disgusting. Bleh. So, I went to my sleeping bag where my "family" was, and I asked my Ma if she had any PeptoBismol. She said, "Nope. The pioneers didn't have it."

I felt terribly sick to my stomach. We had set up camp on the side of a forest dirt road in a valley. On the right of the road was where everyone was sleeping. The right side of the road was for the men to use the restroom (no trees, just bushes) and the left was for the woman (all trees). I felt so sick to my stomach that I went to the left side of the road so I could have some privacy to vomit up crappy Pioneer food.

As I knelt down by a tree and got into the vomit position, I heard rustling about two feet in front of me. As I struggled to see in the darkness, a young woman in a petticoat emerged from the darkness.



She lifted up her dress and squatted down and went to the bathroom. 2 feet away from me. Literally. I was holding my breath, and trying not to vomit at the same time. I couldn't believe that she didn't see me. I mean, how creepy would that be? A boy who is hunched over in the bushes watching young women go pee?

Right after she left, a flood of oranges, broth, water, and rolls erupted out of my mouth. It was in that moment I realized that it wasn't God who made me gay, but a young woman peeing 2 feet away from me. Gross. Women pee.

There you have it. The story of what made me gay. A woman in a petticoat.

Now I would like to know: What made you gay?

P.S. Obviously, this isn't what made me gay. Who knows what makes us gay? However, I'd like to hear if anyone has any similar stories like this.

The Honor Code

First off, I have to thank everyone for their insight and comments on my last post. I wasn't expecting the response that I got. It was enlightening and made me feel so much better...except for the castration in the Terrestrial Kingdom :) You all helped me cope with a tough piece of doctrine and I feel so much better about the whole idea. I am who I am and I cannot change the way God made me.

Now, onto something different.



The Honor Code.

So, Captain Midnight just posted about a friend he knew who worked for the Honor Code Office at BYU in Provo. This friend happened to be gay, but the HCO did not know about his crazy homosexual ways. They asked him to sign up for a fake account on Connexion. He was instructed to search for and destroy (report) gay Mormon boys to the Honor Code Office. I don't know if he followed through with their evil plans or not.

However, I am appalled. My respect for BYU and frankly, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been knocked down a few notches. My testimony has not been shaken, but my faith in the institution of the Church and BYU has. I want to believe that it's not possible. I want to have respect for the Honor Code Office. I want to feel safe and secure in my warm covers and not have to deal with the possibilty, or rather,reality that this is true.

Now, I have only been at BYU for 2 years. I haven't had a run in with the HCO. Ever. My current bishop right now knows that I am gay and to the best of my knowledge hasn't turned me in. I haven't had a negative experience. That being said, I want to know:

Have you? Has anyone you know had a crazy run in with them? Should I be worried and totally rely on anonymity from here on out?

I want to believe that the HCO is there for those horny kids who can't keep their pants on. But, a nagging voice is telling me, that's not true...

I Will Always Be Me

Neil L. Anderson said, "You will always be you. 'Well, I don't like myself.' Sorry. You can shape who you become. You can be more than you are today. But you will always be you" (CES Fireside 1/10/10).

The idea that I will always be who I am is interesting. Before, I always that when the day of resurrection finally happened, I would be magically changed into a straight man. But, I will always be me. I cannot imagine my life being physically and sexually attracted to women. Yes, I can imagine me having a life with a woman, but the extent of that is like an episode of "Will and Grace".

Many MOHO bloggers have expressed ideas similar to my own. Others have ideas that are completely opposite. Some believe that when we get resurrected, our sins and our unhealthy desires will be taken from us, because they are not natural. Others propose that this is how God made them and their soul, meaning, that if this is the way they were created, nothing can change that.

Honestly, I am on the fence on this one. Will I be attracted to women come death and the twinkle? Or, will I just be me?

What do you guys think? Do you think that we will be "cured" or "made normal" again when we are resurrected? (I use those terms in the broadest sense).

Let me know!

Dirty Dishes and Tartuffe

Above our kitchen sink, taped to the window is a picture of Mother Earth with the words, "Eywa says: Save your Mother, do your dishes, let the soap clean the fishes". Printed nicely along side of that is, "Do your damn dishes".

So, I texted my roommate earlier about my dishes and how I was going to do them later tonight. I could foresee that he was going to get upset. The rule is, that if you don't do your dishes in three days, they get put on your bed.

CUT TO: INT. PARDOE THEATRE BYU-CLOSING NIGHT OF TARTUFFE



I saw it tonight with one of my close friends, Clarise. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen on the BYU stage. It was filled with humor, music, and even little adult jokes here and there. The entire theatre was filled, and everyone was on their feet when the last line was said. It was a great event to end a great day.

FADE TO: INT. ANDY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT AFTER TARTUFFE

Dishes. On my bed. All over my bed. Dishes.

Needless to say, I said a few swear words (to myself and directed at myself). I knew the rules. Why didn't I obey them? *shoulder shrug* Who knows? However, I am upset because I let one of my roommates know earlier today that I was going to do them.

Why does it seem that most roommate arguments happen over the dishes and the lack of them being clean? Someone needs to write a paper about that.

Tartuffe was great. Cleaning dishes was not.

It's Coming!

Hmmm...maybe not the best title for a post. But, please, read on and get your mind out of the gutter. It's not safe there.

Have you ever had those days when you feel like the dam that you have been building for the last few weeks is slowly crumbling and the awful tide of rushing water is about to come cascading down through the canyon and destroy everything in its path?

Well, that's how I feel today.

But, I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Crying is good. I want to cry. I am just afraid when it will happen. I know it's coming, and something small might set it off.

I have been working extremely hard at my new job. It's stressful, but I love it. I help provide support to the customers who are having issues...and strangely, it's always the same people. I am trying to learn as fast as I can, but I have always struggled for perfection, and this isn't an exception.

I have also been thinking a lot about what the future holds for me. I was going to transfer to the U, but I am thinking of staying at BYU and majoring in Theatre Ed or Theatre Prod or Music. I just want to be Mr. Shuchster. I love musicals. I love theatre. I love show choirs. I. Would. Be. An. Awesome. Teacher. This is what I really enjoy and love doing. But accepting the fact that my life will "only" amount to that of a teacher, is hard to accept.

In addition, I have been wondering if I will ever find the right man for me. I am not actively looking for a boyfriend. Maybe that's my problem. But, I don't want to have to go to weird chat sites or Connexion or nappy gay bars/clubs. I just want to meet someone in a normal place. *le sigh* It's just not like that in Provo, though.

Bleh. I just re-read this post. It's kinda sad sounding. I am kinda sad feeling today, so I guess that makes sense.

So...apparently, Liberace is my Celebrity Look-Alike. (Look Below)