A Great Saturday

Apparently, there was a huge MOHO party that I had no idea about. But even though I didn't make an appearance, I had an awesome Saturday.

First off, my roommates and I redecorated and painted our living room. The first colors were a puke green and hayfield yellow. I don't know who decorated that before. It was like someone crapped out two of the worst colors and put them on our walls (that was a gross analogy, sorry).

Then, I went to the Musuem of Art with my great friend, Clarise. We saw all but one of the exhibits. My favorite exhibit was the religious one. They really didn't have any major theme. There was famous Mormon art on the walls, some Rembrandts (all the originals) and some others. Here are my two favorites (I took pictures of them, and I had no idea I wasn't supposed to).




Now, as I saw these paintings, I was taken aback by their stunning beauty. I especially like the one of the chairs. I think there was so much thought, effort, and symbolism put into that work of art. The first one, has me a little...confused. It's Jesus, yes, but a...hot Jesus? I mean, maybe I'm being way too sacrilegious here, but...I can't see Jesus carrying the cross looking like He just got done working out at the gym. However, I do like the painting.

Then, Clarise and I went to IKEA and played "500 Days of Summer". I bought some art for my living room. It was great. Then, we played house, and office, and bedroom. It was hilarious. People stared at us. We made up scenes about our "married life". We had arguments. We threw dishes and made noodles. All in IKEA. I love my Clarise...in a...homosexual friendship way. "We're not dating!"

After that, we went to my apartment where my roommates Andrew and Jeff were having a combined birthday party. Andrew's band, Dr. Dribble played.



Following the awesome music, we had a dance party! At one point in the night we had about 30 people over. It was fantastic! We all danced to techno, rock, and of course, Lady Gaga. My roommates are awesome. My friend are awesome.

And they all contributed to me having a great Saturday.

Oh, no! They know!

Apparently, my bosses at SC have a tracker on their name. Meaning, any time someone talks about the name SC, they get a Google alert. Does anyone remember one of my latest posts? I gave you guys SC's LINK! Lo and behold, they got a Google alert.

So, I'm sitting in the front office eating lunch, and one of the managers comes up to me and says, "We got an alert from you blog last night."

My face flushed red. I could feel it burning. I thought to myself, Oh, no! They know! Now, I am going to get fired!
I tried to play it cool. "What blog?"

Then she said, "It's nothing serious, but I didn't know you were planning on transferring to the University of Utah soon."

My face flushed even more. Had she read my entire blog?

I told her, "Oh, that. I still havem't decided yet. It's not a big deal."
She smiled and then said, "Do you know Jon-Jon?"

"No...well...I know a David Jon Banks, and sometimes he goes by Jon-Jon."

She said, "No, his blog is Listen to Who I Am."

Again, my face flushed. She knew.

"Andy, don't worry. Jon-Jon is my cousin and I know he's gay and I don't care if you're gay and neither does anyone else. We just want to make sure that you feel comfortable here."

My jaw dropped. I was so excited! All the embarrassment and awkwardness left and I felt happy and free. We then talked about being gay. We talked about them and what stages they are in their "homosexual LDS man dilemma".

All in all, it was a great discussion. A scary one, yet very uplifting at the same time. I am so glad that I am working at a place that accepts me for who I am and not what the stereotypes say.

This is the perfect job for me.



Oh, and guess who this is? Yup. That's Lance Bass.

As I see the World

I was feeling creative tonight, so I wrote a poem and then edited to music and images. Below is the video.



I guess my creative project of the night has some deeper connotations than just rain. To me, this poem means a lot. It represents how I feel toward other people. I try to see other people as they are; workmanship of true wonder and beauty. I see people all around the world, doing what they do best: being themselves. We are all connected to them on some level, all of our paths weaving through each others', until we all combine and are one. It is a testimony that there is a Supreme Creator who made us all and wants us to live our lives in such a way to return and live with Him again.

Even though this video shows my more reflective side, I hope you guys enjoy it.

And yes, some of the words I made up.

A New Frontier

On December 31st, 2009 I applied for a job online. Almost one month later, I got an email from the company asking me to come in for an interview. I dressed in my most snazziest suit and nailed the interview. Two days later, after much stress and worry, came a beautiful email to my account which had the words, "...we would like you to start Monday..."

Now, I currently work at the Office of IT at Brigham Young. They offered me 16.5 hours at the rate of $9.00/hr. With this new job, I will be working full time and at a wage more than $9.00/hr. I will aid with customer and technical support, as well as marketing and advertising. I will be working for a new business management software called SC.


This software helps photographers, filmograhpers, graphic designers and web designers to track all of their customers, clients, invoices and files all in one software. It's simple, easy to use, secure, and innovative. This company has been around for 3 years and have been growing ever since. I feel like this is going to be a good opportunity for me to learn and grow.

I am currently taking some sluff classes at Brigham Young University right now. I plan on dropping all but my evening classes. This way, I will still be a student there, for I have yet to hear if I have been accepted at the University of Utah. Furthermore, since I will be working at StudioCloud now, who knows what the future holds? I could stay in Provo and work. I could choose a different major. I could do many things here.

It seems as if this is a bright ray of shining light in a world of decisions that had been dark for a time. Now, I can see some glimmer at the end of the tunnel. Although I do not know what is ahead of me in my future, I have some sort of direction. I have something solid to stand on. I can get my life and my career in order. I can start anew.


P.S. That guy in the suit is not me. But he is cute.

A secret that no one knows...except the Swedish.

Watch and enjoy.



P.S. Since I've embedded the film, just make sure to hit "fullscreen" so you can get the full effect.

Tenho Medo

There is nothing so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself. The things we see, touch, and feel are always changing. Relationships between friends, husband and wife, father and son, brother and sister are all dynamic, changing relationships. There is a constant that allows us to use change for our own good, and that constant is the revealed eternal truths of our Heavenly Father.

-Elder Marvin J. Ashton

I applied for the University of Utah yesterday. I filled out the application online, paid the $45.00 fee and now I wait. I am pretty sure that I will get accepted. I am 26 points over the cut off rate of 90. I am more than likely to be admitted. I am just afraid.

As I write this, I have butterflies in my stomach. Is this the Spirit telling me to stay away from Salt Lake City? Or is it just the natural nervous reaction to a complete change? I can't decide.

However, I did get a lot of help from you readers and friends. About 77% of you said to live in Salt Lake. It's just going to be a huge change. But, as the above quote mentions, change is never ending. It allows us to grow and become the people we are destined to become.

I feel like I am annoying and bombarding most of you with this lame problem of going to the University of Utah. I feel complacent at BYU. I feel safe here. This is where my adult life began.

Anyway, venting about my feelings helped a lot. The above quote and talk helped, too.

What are some specific reasons you moved/would move to Salt Lake City?



P.S. This will hopefully be my last post about moving/transferring. Well, at least the scary change aspect of it.

My Fortune

This may seem strange to a lot of you, but I save every fortune that I get from a Fortune Cookie (unless it's really lame).



(1) You'll advance socially without any special effort on your part.
(2) Luck is coming your way.
(3)An unexpected relationship will become permanent.
(4) The greatest mistake a man can make is to be afraid of making one.
(5) Be broke or be wealthy, but never accept mediocrity.
(6) All things are difficult before they are easy.
(7) Your hard work is about to pay off.
(8)You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself.
(9) Any doubts you may have will disappear early this month.
(10) Next full moon brings an enchanting evening.
(11) God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.
(12) Good things come in small packages. One is coming to you.

Maybe this mega-fortune is telling me that what the future hold is is something new and exciting! But whatever is written in the stars, this post will be more entertaining if you add "in bed" after every fortune. Especially the last one. Tee-hee.

To Be Alone

"Lonely is so lonely alone"
-MIKA


The other day I was with some friends and they were driving me home back to my house. On the way, two of my friends decided to get into a debate about relationships, commitment and marriage. The girl was afraid of failure and that is why she didn't want to commit. She was afraid that she her future husband would one day leave her, or cheat on her.

I was just listening to their banter when something the guy said struck me as deeply profound. He said, "You can't spend your whole life living in fear. If you do, you're going to end up alone. And being alone the rest of your life will lead to unhappiness, guilt, and regret. You can't be alone. It's so lonely."

I realized how true that is. I don't want to live my life alone. I can't live my life alone. I need someone to be there, by my side to support me and to love me. I need a man to sleep next to me. Funny story-I saw the film, "Paranormal Activity" and it scared the crap out of me. Since then, I have had to sleep with a night light on. However, when one of my gay friends needed a place to stay, he shared my bed. I felt so protected and comforted. I need someone in my life so I can save on my electric bill.

Electric bills aside, I want to pretend that I am sick at work so I can come home and surprise him with an extravagant meal. I want to spend a Saturday hiking in the mountains. I want to take an impromptu vacation to our backyard. I want to spend the night watching old horror movies and laughing at the their complete absurdity. I want him to look into my eyes while we don't say a word to each other.

To be alone is death. I choose life.

Could I?

I had an in-depth conversation with three of my four roommates. We had started chatting about conspiracy theories about 9/11 and Masons and Mormons and cancer...which led me to tell them about a roommate that I had before. This roommate had cancer and he's gay. One of my roommates said, "Gosh, I feel bad for him."
"Why?" I asked.
"Well, because he's gay. It's hard to see people choose that way of life."
I promptly responded, "I don't think it's a choice."
"I do."
I then mustered up some courage and said, "Hey roommates, I'm gay and I know I didn't choose to be attracted to guys."
The roommate sitting next to me laughed a bit and said, "Should I be worried that I'm sitting this close to you?"
I laughed back and replied, "No." (Although I do think he is really hot).
This roommate then started to go about the normal process most Mormons take when someone they know tells them that they are gay.
(1) It's just a trial given to people. Like cancer, or alcoholism, or...whatever.
(2) You can overcome anything in this life.
(3) Are you remotely attracted to girls?
(4) What's your plan for the future?

I answered all his questions. Then he asked me, "Do you think you could be happy for the rest of your life with another man?"
I hadn't actually given that much thought.
I said, "To be honest, when I picture myself 50 years down the road, there is not another guy with me. It's just me. Alone. Or with a woman."
"Why do you think that is?" This roommate inquired.
I hesitated. "Umm...I don't know...maybe deep down, I still know that homosexuality is wrong?"

The conversation pretty much ended there. I went to my room, feeling super sick to my stomach. I felt wrong. I felt cheated. I felt heartbroken. Thinking about leaving behind an entire part of me hurt. Trying to predict what kind of life I would lead with a woman made me sick. When I came to the conclusion that I was gay and there really was nothing I could do to "cure" myself, a feeling of warmth and reassurance swept over me. I felt like God loved me and appreciated the steps that I was taking.

Now, what does this mean? I think that God let me know that being gay, or at least being attracted to men isn't wrong. If God did give me this blessing, then there is something that He wants me to do with it. If it's just a part of life, then maybe the Church doesn't have all the answers. Maybe the comforting feeling of the Holy Ghost that I received told me that my life is my own to live and that being gay is just a small part of it.

Who knows? All I know is that when I pray to be straight, I feel wrong. When I pray to have the assurance that who I am is right, I feel warm.

Suggestions?

So Much Beauty

GMB recently posted a series about suicide and what steps can be taken to prevent it. This was an eye opening series about life, death and how far some people fall into the deep depths of depression. GMB said that he had a friend who was "...disappointed that his sexuality was not fixed by prayer and a mission. [He] attempted suicide weeks before his scheduled return date".

When I read those words, I started to cry. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never been suicidal, nor have I been so depressed to seriously think about ending my life here on this beautiful earth. But, somehow, this young man thought that religion had all the answers to questions and he almost ended his life. He went to draw hope from the well of living water and his bucket came back empty.

I want my voice to be one of hope. I want gay members of the Christian faith to realize that they are not broken. They are not wrong. They are not damned. They are Sons and Daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. There are those in this world that love and appreciate them. If they are not surrounded by voices of hope, I just pray that one voice of hope can reach them.

There is so much to live for. Alan Ball, screenwriter of "American Beauty" ends the film with a beautiful monologue:

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...you will someday."

If only we can show others how to see the beauty, hope, and love that exists in this world then maybe their eyes will be opened to see as we see.

Avatar

For those of you who haven't seen the movie "Avatar", you must go see it. Do yourself a favor. Don't listen to people who say it's a waste of time. Don't listen to those who say it's just like "Dances With Wolves". True, there are some similarities, but for the most part, "Avatar" is a beautiful film with a message everyone should pay attention to.

Other than the amazing visual effects, "Avatar" is a film rich with emotion, story, and depth. James Cameron takes the audience on a complete journey to the wondrous planet of Pandora. You'll sit 15 minutes in the theatre and then you're already there. The 3-D effects are not the hokey "let's-see-what-we-can-have-jump-at-peoples-faces" tricks. Instead, the 3-D adds perception and depth. It is like the movie screen is a window through which the audience can see the action of the story take place.

Please, do yourself a favor. Leave the world behind for 2 hours 41 minutes. Go see this movie with an open mind and you will not regret it.

Internet Fame

Ever since Youtube came out, regular people from all across the country and the world are becoming famous. Some for stupid reasons, others for other reasons like Nick Pitera or Improv Everywhere. Now, don't judge me...but ever since Chris Crocker (see image below) came out with his famous "Leave Britney Alone" video, I have faithfully watched his videos. I know, weird, right? However, even though he is transgender, that does not make him less of a person. In fact, he's pretty hilarious.



The reason I bring this up is because Chris Crocker teamed up with Youtube sensation Shane Dawson to do a small video which can be seen on Chris Crocker's Youtube Channel. I bring this up because

I WANT TO BE INTERNET FAMOUS!

I mean, how cool would that be? It would be awesome. I just have to do something ridiculous like...shave my head bald and then eat the shavings in butter. Oh, wow. That's gross. Gonna vom.

Anyway, any suggestions on how I can be the next Chris or Shane? Or...sneezing baby panda? Or Numa-Numa guy? Or Shoes sensation?

A Dream and Some Thoughts

Last night, I had a dream:

I was sitting in a living room, not sure where, and my boyfriend was with me. Now, in real life, I don't have a boyfriend. My father was with the two of us together. We were all watching a movie. I'm sitting on the couch and my boyfriend comes in and sits down right in front of me to watch the movie. I give him a quick shoulder massage, lean my head on his chest and say, "I love you." And, with my head on his chest, I fall asleep (in my dream, which is weird).

Then, the next morning, my boyfriend has to leave back home while I stay with my parents. I don't know why I wasn't going with him. As he says goodbye to all my family, like he was family, my dad says, "Andy, you'd better go and kiss him goodbye." I obliged him. And that's when my dream ended.

Boy George said, "There's this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That's completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved". In this dream I was in love. I was deeply in love with this man. My family loved him, too. We all loved each other. There was no sex. Not even a hint of sex in that dream. Just pure, unbridled love.


Now, some thoughts:

I stumbled upon this quote today: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." The great Dr. Seuss said those words and they couldn't be more close to the truth. True friends and family love each other, no matter what.

"The Lord is my Shepard and He knows I'm gay." I don't know who said that. But I find immense comfort in the knowledge and truth that the Lord knows exactly who I am, where I've been and where I am going. He knows me better than I know myself. Sometimes, I forget that.

"Live you life in a way that those who don't know Christ will want to know Christ because they know you." Again, this is an anonymous quote. I find this to be a perfect statement of Charity to any member of any Christian religion. No one is perfect. But, we can emulate the Savior in all aspects of our lives. Jesus and our Father love everyone. Likewise, we must do the same.

And those are my thoughts for the day.

P.S. Check this video out:

A WrapUp of 2009 and What 2010 Has For Me

The year of 2009 has come and gone. It has been an interesting year for me. Let me break it down for you.

THE BAD STUFF:

-Rejected from the film program at BYU (the first time)
-One car totaled
-Lost a job
-Had nowhere to stay (had to mooch of older sister, good friends, etc)
-Rejected from the film program at BYU (the second time)

THE GOOD STUFF:
-Rejected from the film program
-Totaled a car
-Lost a job
-Had nowhere to stay
-Made new friends
-Did three shows
-Learned life lessons
-Realized that I can't do everything myself
-Found out that God has a sense of humor
-Lost a lot of things, but found more about myself

WHAT 2010 HOLDS IN STORE FOR ME:
-This will be a big year of decision. Since I was rejected from BYU (basically), I have decided to probably transfer to the University of Utah. For some strange reason, this has been one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever had to make. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time these last two semesters just waiting on film; I need to get my life started and I think perusing an education at the U might just help me find what I will be doing with my life.

-I will have to make a lot of new friends. Most of my friends have either gone on missions (late bloomers), gotten married, or ran away from me. And that's fine with me. They have their lives to live as do I. I just have to make new friends. Maybe some gay ones, seeing I don't really have any other gay friends other than myself.

-More self control. I need to realize that I have only one life to live, and only one body to live it with. I need to take better care of it.

-Find a boyfriend. I need to find someone who has a good head on his shoulders, who wants to do what is right, who is ambitious, kind, generous, religious, honest, and of course, cute :) (Just for the record, my list of good attributes for another guy is a lot longer than that...that's the condensed version)

-I always want to be honest with the dealings I have with other people. I don't ever want to lie again. Even little white lies. Those are the worst. I want to tell people when I am angry or frustrated, happy or sad. I want people to know that I love them, and I want to show them that.

-Lastly, I want this New Year of 2010 to be the best year that I have ever had! I want to begin to grow into the Man that I know I am destined to become. I want to learn more things, try new things, meet new people, gain a better understanding of the world, travel, see a Broadway show...and just simply always have a smile on my face.

P.S. To those who read my blog: I love you so much. You guys and girls are so kind to me. I love you all!

*GINORMOUS HUG*