My Mission--Part 11--The Bus Ride That Changed My Life

The companionship/relationship between Elder Van Ackerman and I moved slowly. There were still days that we fought. Change takes a long time. However, Elder Van Ackerman tried his hardest to be the best he could.

We talked about life and school and my attraction to men. He even introduced me to "God Loveth His Children"--which surprised me.

One week, however, it seemed as everything good that happened to us was for naught. We fought every day that week. On that Friday, we had a special Zone Leader training in the capitol--5 hours away by bus.

We sat next to each other in the bus, but not in the seats next to each other. I was livid. I was stressed. I was nervous. I couldn't focus. Earlier that week, I had planned on telling my mission president of my attractions to guys, and how crappy this one transfer had been with Elder Van Ackerman. I was scared that I would be sent home from the mission--so soon to ending.

We had the training, and I felt horrible the entire time. No one was talking to me. I feared that "my secret" had reached all ears by then. I felt as if they were avoiding me--even elders that I knew from the MTC weren't speaking with me. I found myself alone at one point in the chapel, and just feeling like shiz.

The training ended.

Elder Van Ackerman took his precious little time hanging out with the other elders before we had to catch our train to the bus station.

"Elder," I said interrupting his conversation. "We're going to be late."

"Just a few more minutes," he said.

"Elder. We'll miss our train."

He turned and exasperatingly said, "Just wait."

I was furious! We were going to miss our train, making us miss our bus, which would make us get home at around 3:00 AM.

So, I decided to put this all on his shoulders and I spitefully waited.

When he was finally done, he said to me, "Now, come on--let's hurry." He started to run to the train station. I walked. If he was making me late earlier, I was going to make him late.

Long story short--we missed our train by an hour. We had to catch the 9:00 PM train to the bus station. When we finally got to the bus station at 10:00, I was fuming and very close to a breakdown. I tried to not speak; I knew that if I did, only tears and words of frustration would come out.

I was frustrated with my companion. I was frustrated with myself--I felt like a failure, that no one liked me. I felt far away from the Savior and God. I felt worthless.

Elder Van Ackerman could tell that something was up. Duh.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," was all I could muster.

We entered the bus. There was only one other person headed to Faro that evening...plus the bus driver.

I headed to the back of the bus and sat down. This time, Elder Van Ackerman sat next to me. We were both silent for about one hour. Thoughts of being sent home rattled through my mind. My palms were sweating. I couldn't stop thinking how bad that would be; for myself, my family. I also couldn't stop thinking about how horrible this transfer had been. What a waste of time it had been. I felt so...broken.

Elder Van Ackerman nudged my shoulder. "Please talk to me. Tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it."

"It wasn't all you," I replied. "It was a combination of you, my attractions, my fears of telling Presidente Terry...and the whole training experience."

"What happened there?"

"Well, I just feel as if I have no more friends in the mission."

He sighed, "I feel that way too. Sometimes--"

Interjecting, I said, "But...it's different for me. You can have friends, and you don't have to worry about being attracted to them. It's so hard. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling all alone."

"You're not alone, Elder. You have the Lord."

"He's not with me."

Elder Van Ackerman sat back and thought. I could tell he was gathering ideas on how to respond to my dejected spirit.

He began. "Remember that one time Presidente Terry spoke about feeling the arms of the Lord around as we we're working?"

I nodded.

"Well, I don't beleive that He is strictly there for our protection in bad areas. We can feel the arms of the Savior whenever we need them."

I took a deep breath. Feeling the warm embrace of the Spirit, or being held physically by a man was something that I yearned for. "If I could feel the arms of the Lord around me just once, I would die a happy man."

I started to weep. It was as if a floodgate of tears, shame, and emotions had just been opened.

Elder Van Ackerman lovingly wrapped his arms around me in a sweet embrace. He held me tightly as I cried onto his shoulder like a small child. I sobbed and sobbed. He held me for what seemed like hours. He just kept whispering, "It's alright, it's alright," as he rubbed my back. It felt so good to be held like that.

"Thank you," I said, sniffling.

"It's alright, Elder. It happens."

"You're a good man," I said. "Oh, I made your arm all wet." I started wiping the tears away.

"Don't worry about it."

I smiled and laid back in my chair. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

We didn't get home until 3:15 AM that morning. But, the entire trip was worth it. I was able to purge those emotions through weeping. I was able to feel the arms of love around me. I felt refreshed. I felt new again. I was reborn--our relationship was reborn.

I was ready to tell Presidente Terry.