The Nerf gun fight quickly ended.
Nate would already be in Lehi, so I had to get a ride from someone else. Luckily, Ty was available and he said that he would be able to give me ride to the fireside. We headed to Lehi. Since he was a prominent figure at the fireside, he told me that he wouldn't be able to stay by my side. I told him that that was fine.
We drove up to the chapel and went inside. I looked for Nate, but he wasn't there. So, I had to sit alone. Which was fine; I got a chance to scope out who came to these kinds of meetings.
It was interesting. I saw men with their wives, I saw some men holding hands together, I saw a lot of hugging, I saw some younger men about my age and I saw some women as well. It was an eclectic group of people; a group that I had not expected. Brian was there, too. But he was sitting with a group of friends and I didn't want to bother him.So, I sat alone and watched the fireside.
When it was over, we all headed over to the Matis's home for some refreshments.I was hugged. A lot.
To tell you the truth, I was very overwhelmed. It was the first time in my life that I had been around so many other guys who liked other guys. I was afraid that there would be those who would try to "hook-up" with me. I was afraid that there would be those who would want to get to know me better. I honestly wasn't ready for the experience.
I wanted to go home.
Luckily for me, Brian had to leave early and offered me a ride. I was nervous to ride home with him because (1) I didn't know him (2) He was--gasp!--gay and (3) I thought he was really attractive.
When he dropped me off at my apartment, I leaned over to give him a hug. Since I had been around so much hugging at the Matis fireside, I just assumed that hugging was how gay LDS guys greeting and said goodbye to each other.
He stopped me.
"We don't have to hug," he said and extended his hand.
I shook it and walked into my apartment.
Oddly enough, that one simple line of "We don't have to hug" prevented me from going to any more Matis firesides for three years. I love contact with other people--especially guys. I didn't think that there would be anything wrong with trying to hug a fellow MoHo. Sadly, his "rejection" of my offer to hug him really hurt me. I don't know why...it just did.
I do not blame Brian, but I blame myself. I thought I was being too forward. I thought that he thought I was weird. I thought that, because he didn't want to hug, that no one other gay Mormon would want to hang out with me.
Thankfully, I got over it. But, it took a very long time.
During those three years, however, I would come to learn more about myself, roommates, more about the secret MoHo world, and the detrimental affects of alcohol.
~End Part Four
Thankfully, I got over it. But, it took a very long time.
During those three years, however, I would come to learn more about myself, roommates, more about the secret MoHo world, and the detrimental affects of alcohol.
~End Part Four
Reading this made me feel bad since I'm simply not a hugger, especially during the first few stages of a friendship. Nothing against the other person, it's really more on myself. =]
ReplyDeleteI suspect "Brian" has always occasionally wondered what was going on in your head that night but never really interacted again on any level to find out. If I had to guess, I'd guess this Brian character perceived you were overwhelmed, could see you weren't entirely at ease for some reason, didn't want to make you more uncomfortable, finds over-the-armrest hugs to be awkward and uncomfortable in almost all cases, appreciates what he regards as refreshing forthrightness--sometimes at the expense of warm fuzzies, wasn't in a great position--being pulled over at the side of the street in a non-parking area, for example--to get out of the car for a hug, especially with someone he barely knew and whom he didn't know really wanted it but might be doing it out of obligation to a new subculture, and was feeling a bit used for hugs--which felt consequently cheapened--by that point in his life and didn't want anyone else to feel like it was a cheap requirement of being a moho...and didn't even remember having "rejected" a hug from you until you wrote it here. ...I mean, if I had to guess. :-)
ReplyDelete@BLB--Don't worry about it. Some people just aren't that comfortable with hugging. It's no biggie.
ReplyDelete@Original Mohomie--What a very astute assumption you have made there :)As I was writing this post, I was a little wary of how the Brian character would be portrayed and how the unintentional "rejection" would be received. I see that you believe that he was just trying to make me feel better. I really appreciate that great "guess", Original Mohomie. I have always wondered if "Brian" had even remembered that night or experience, and I am glad that this post has allowed you to bring some clarification to it. Ironically, "Brian" has always been a sort of role-model for me, ever since that ride home. It was actually one of the very first "real" conversations I ever had with another MoHo and I learned a lot from talking to him. I still wonder occasionally how "Brian" is and how life is treating him, but I suspect he is doing all right. :)