Could I? Or, would I?

Today, I thought to myself, "Could I leave the church if I found the right guy?"

Surprisingly, the answer was quickly yes.

Then, I thought to myself, "But...would I?"

There is a big difference between these two words. Obviously, I could leave the Church, but again, would I? There has only been one time in my life where I seriously considered leaving the church for a guy. However, the time has since come and gone.

Dwelling on the past today brought me to ask myself, if presented with the opportunity, could I leave the Church that has brought me both pain and joy? Again, I find myself answering yes.

I could leave the Church to love another man. I could learn to live my life to another standard.

But would I?

I honestly don't know. My mind has been thinking about this question lately. Then, when I think of world history and the billions of people on the planet and the countless numbers of religions and ideas and philosophies and attitudes; I confuse myself. Then, add in people's ideas of who I am and family values and their opinions, it just makes everything so much more difficult.

My mom doesn't allow me to be honest with my younger brothers and sisters. Granted, they are 17-15 and maybe...they wouldn't understand sexuality just yet, but...I think it would be good for them to know that their older brother was living a life that was in the boundaries of the gospel--even when the world is telling him otherwise. On the other hand, if I wasn't living according to the way God or the Church teaches, would I want them to know about me? I don't know.

But, it brings me back to my original question. If I somehow stumbled across the right guy...it would be extremely hard to make a decision.

Jeez...life is tough.