I just watched an emotional video by Joel Burns, a Texan city official who spoke about the recent suicides and bullying.
The video is powerful and gives a message of hope for anyone who is thinking about taking their own life due to feelings that they did not wish to have, and for hatred they do not wish to endure.
Watching it myself, I had to ask, "Does it get better?" I mean, most people who know me know that I experience same-gender attraction. They know that I am gay. I have a good support system. My friends and family love me, although I know that they would never fully accept me if I were to have a partner. They have said the classic, "Well, we would love you and care for you, but we still cannot accept sin."
You know what? That makes me really sad. It hurts me. It makes me feel like, if I were to ever get a partner, that I would have to ostracize myself from my family and friends because they would feel uncomfortable around me. They wouldn't accept me.
These are the people who watch Glee and cheer for Kurt. These are the people who love Modern Family and think the gay couple is fantastic.
But...with me...it would be anything fantastic for them if I were to get a partner.
It's the whole Church thing, too. No one knows why God gives His children challenges. Why does God allow someone to be born with their brother or sister still attached to them? Why does God allow someone to be born into the slums, where their life will most likely amount to a life of drugs, gangs and death? Why does He allow that? I'm not sure. It's not like God pushed Play on the world and said, "Okay. Do your thing. I'll be back in a few thousand years," and just left us. He's there...but...sometimes seems really distant.
Will my life get better?
I need to tell Briana who I really am attracted to. The "relationship" has gotten to a point where I need to tell her. It's time. I don't want to have someone invest in something they may not want to.
I'm trying to do what is right. I really really really am. I am trying to be good and to be a better person. I am trying to do what God wants of me (get a wife and have a family)...but...the harder I try, the less I feel connected with God.
And...I hate it when people, who look up to me, can't follow my example. Or, if they feel like I am "unworthy" to be their friend.
I don't know what to do. For now, I don't see how it can get better.
P.S. How should I tell Briana? Should I bake her a cake with the words, "I'm gay!" on them? Ideas?
I think it's very telling, Andy, that you feel less connected with God the more you try to do what you think the Church tells you in order to fit in there (and, BTW, getting a wife and having children is NOT what the Church wants its gay male members to do). Maybe your heart knows something and it's trying to tell your head, but your head doesn't want to hear it yet.
ReplyDeleteTo tell Briana, just take her out for lunch or dinner, tell her how much fun you've had, that you like her and respect her a lot and so out of that respect you are going to be honest with her. Then just tell her. No need for a cake, that is so Relief Society. And you're not a member. Besides, I think it seems a little too gay. ;-)
This post is very poignant. Many of us have been exactly where you are now.
ReplyDeleteYou may know what your family will do in the short term, but you can't know what they will do in the long run. Most families do eventually come around. The process is painful and not quick, but it happens.
I related a lot to this It Gets Better video. I hope you like it, too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj0tgQLeCkA
I agree with what was said above. The Church does not want its gay members to get married. You're actually disobeying the Lord's counsel by pursuing a relationship. That would be why I'd guess you're feeling more disconnected from the Holy Ghost.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for your family, it may sound callous, but it's really up to them. Mine has been there for me in ways I didn't think possible. They have loved my partner and included him. I thought they'd be the type that said, "He is *never* allowed in our home." But they weren't. Your family will probably surprise you as well. But if they're never given the chance, you'll never know and they'll never grow. (That wasn't supposed to rhyme.)
Knowing Briana, I think the best way to tell her would be to go on a picnic or something (just be somewhere private) and just tell her. Just tell her that you love her and respect her and then spill the beans. But also explain what the gospel means to you and explain what your goals are in this life and I think she'll be very understanding. She might be caught of guard, but in the end I think it'll work out, whether the "relationship" does or not.
ReplyDeleteAndy, I told my wife (then, potential-girlfriend) in a letter (it was several pages). I explained what was going on with me, how I desired to stay in the Gospel in spite of my trials, etc etc. I gave the letter to her after we went out to celebrate her birthday, and told her if she wanted to talk more about what was in the letter, we could go for a late-night drive.
ReplyDeleteShortly after giving her the letter, she called me, and we went for the drive and talked it all over.
I am curious to know what you meant by "And...I hate it when people, who look up to me, can't follow my example. Or, if they feel like I am "unworthy" to be their friend."
@Luis, I have some friends who read my blog who look up to me. They see a man who is striving to do what is right, even though he is taxed with a burden too heavy to bear. So, I hate it when people who look up to me, will look down on me if I ever decide to "live the lifestyle", as it were. However, I haven't made any decisions yet. I'm just...playin' it cool. But, I do have to tell Briana. It's unfair to her if I stay silent.
ReplyDeleteYes, it does get better. Someday new revelation will come on this issue and suddenly the endless stream of needlessly imposed guilt will end.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, the most important thing you can do is decide to live your life for YOU. Let me be clear, I'm not using this phrase to say that you should go find a husband, or that you should go find a wife. What I'm saying is that you should do what YOU truly want to do. If you want to do the church thing, do it because you want to - not because you want to fulfill the expectations of family and friends. Not because you want to be someone's example. The same reasoning applies to a choice in the other direction - do it for yourself and not for anyone else.
Hey Andy, I've been leaving this post unread in my Google Reader for a while now so I could comment when I had proper time, peace, and quiet. I just want you to know that you will always be accepted by me no matter what you choose. I absolutely do put you on a different level from the characters on Modern Family and Glee because YOU HAVE A TESTIMONY. You know the church is true. So what would sadden me about your decision to lead a gay lifestyle would be your rejection of eternal truths and covenants that you have made. But, I would certainly still love and ACCEPT you (and your partner, too!) Not that I really live close enough for all of this to matter too much, but hopefully across the miles you can feel my **HUG**. And if God seems really distant, maybe it is because of where you are standing. Love you.
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