I wrote the following on my plane ride home from New York City this past week.
"So, I am on the flight back from New York to Salt Lake. I will then begin my hum-drum life again. Actually, normalcy might be a breath of fresh air after being so busy for the past few days. But, it was totally woth it. I loved every minute I had when I was in New York. The city was breathtaking; the people were friendly and the memories will be endless.
However, there was one aspect of the trip that got my head wrapped around different concepts. I have decided to live a life of homosexual celibacy and strive to do what is right. That being said, going to New York was really hard for me. I saw many gay couples holding hands, hugging and kissing. It hurt me so deeply to know that I can never have that. Or rather, that I am told that I can never have that.
Seeing those men and women made me jealous. I wanted to immediately extend my trip indefinitely and stay in New York. I felt so accepted there. I felt like I belonged. It was wonderful.
It made me question thoroughly my testimony and conviction of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wanted to know right then and there why gay men and women were wrong, or sinners. I could only see happiness. Of course, that happiness may have been an outward expression or facade of the internal turmoil that reeks inside. Or, I could just be overreacting and the turmoil may actually be the sweet smell of oneness, uniqueness, and love.
I want that. I want to be loved."
Ever since that moment in Central Park, I have been thinking about my decision to do what is right in the eyes of God and the Church or to do what is right in my own mind.
I...just don't know what I want anymore...I just don't know who to turn to, or who to speak to, or how I should or shouldn't feel...I feel lost.
And I haven't felt lost in a really long time.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have great friends and examples who will always love me no matter what pathway I decide to follow in this life; a life of celibacy, or a life with a woman, or a life with a man.
It's just...I don't know what I want anymore...
...bleh...
I hate feeling like this.
I'm glad you had a good trip to New York.
ReplyDeleteI understand the "lost" feeling. It's rough.
Any gay Mormon boy with a brain goes through this, Andy. It's not quite so easy as you might originally think, is it. I was just talking with two MoHo friends tonight about our own perspectives on this very issue. E-mail me if you want to hear more.
ReplyDeleteIt is a long and tough battle to figure out what you want. All I can say is once you truly find it you will be happy. :)
ReplyDelete@Mister Curie,
ReplyDeleteIt is rough. Thanks for being understanding!
@Rob,
I know, right? I think we all have our up days and down days and yesterday and the day before were both definitely down days. I think I may take you up on that offer to hear more.
@MIV,
Hopefully, I will be true to whatever side of the battle I am on and come out a victor. I think if I do whatever my heart and spirit tell me to, I will be happy. Thanks!
I hope you know that I am one of those people who will love you no matter what you decide. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be loved. And you also deserve to love. You will get that. One way or another...you will love that.
ReplyDeleteAnd it isn't just in New York. You can see happy and healthy gay couples in Utah too.
ReplyDelete"Of course, that happiness may have been an outward expression or facade of the internal turmoil that reeks inside." I could be wrong, but that statement seems more like a projection of your own feelings.
On the other hand, those couples may be looking for happiness on a different level than you are. They have found it so they're content. They are certainly grades of happiness (as there is of misery too).
If "wickedness never was happiness," does it stand to follow "righteousness never was misery"?
We're here for you if you need someone to talk to.
ReplyDelete"Righteousness never was misery" I am sure is not true. There have been many sad righteous people throughout all time.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that there are many happy gay couples everywhere because they do build their relationships on true principles of love, and those principles are universal. And people rarely make choices *because* those choices make them miserable. There is always another reason. Whatever choice you make you are always going to have tough times and easy times. There will be sacrifice in every choice.
Andy I hope you know that whatever decision you make I will always be your friend! You are an amazing person! But it is true, sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same.
You've hit the core of the problem. You, like all of us, were made to connect emotionally intimately with others. We feel like all others feel--we want what all others want. Either we are human, and a creation of God, or not.
ReplyDeleteWho am I to tell so many of my brothers and sisters here on earth that they have no right to emotional and intimate connections with others?
Good luck Andy. Don't hesitate to ask God the hard questions. And don't be surprised by the answers and how they come. By the way--I enjoyed your performance in Funny Girl.
I had a feeling that you might experience something like this on our trip. I hope that someday you can get to a point where you have made a decision - one way or the other - with complete conviction, so that when you see people doing the things that you have decided against, you won't lament your own choices. I've watched you teetering on the fence for years now, and I just hope that you don't go through the rest of your life that way. It's not a happy way to live. And like Katrina said, and like I've said before, "I hope you know that I am one of those people who will love you no matter what you decide."
ReplyDeleteUse your time to build your relationship with God so when you do ask those hard questions, you KNOW what the answer is FOR YOU. Nobody but Him can tell you what is right. No other relationship is nearly as important as yours with Him.
ReplyDelete