Lately, I have felt a sort of disconnect with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I decided that maybe I didn't need the church in my life. In other words, I wanted to know if I could live in two worlds: the world of the Gospel and the world of a gay man.
January, I drank for the first time in my life. Things did not go well with the people that were there. I do not wish to go into details, but let's just say that what we did was not PG-13 rated. Even R rated. I was to the point where I had no control over my body and what I did with it. I was possessed by another force; a force which only wanted my eternal demise.
Alcohol has never touched my lips since. Nor has the desire to drink ever returned.
Continuing, I had my first "relationship" with another guy. He was nice, but I am glad it ended. There was a lot of drama, and I can't stand drama. After our first night and our hand games, it all ended.
I've haven't been on a date since. Nor has the desire to date returned.
During these past few months of quiet and personal reflection, something intrinsically and utterly important repeatedly surfaced itself from the fathoms of my mind: The Gospel of Jesus Christ. The harder I tried to push it away, the stronger it tried to pull me back.
Walking with a dear friend of mine, she said, "Andy, are you even worthy to go into the House of the Lord?"
"Yes. I think so. I haven't done anything that bad. "
"But, you got drunk and did stuff with another guy."
"Yeah, but...what I did doesn't constitute not entering into His home."
"Doesn't it?"
For a while, I have been thinking about that conversation. This morning, I got the courage to talk and confess to my bishop.
Entering the room, I felt a little uneasy, but strangely comfortable. My bishop, Bishop L, is amazing.
I told him everything. Nothing was hidden.
We talked about what my plans were for the future. I told him that I really want a family and I really want kids and I really want a wife. Although the thought of being intimate with a woman is a little stressful, it can happen. Sex is not the only aspect of a relationship.
However, the most important part of the conversation was the realization I had (again) that what I was doing was right. Bishop asked me earlier, "How come you never went all the way with those guys? How come you stopped where you did?"
I thought for a moment. I didn't want to say what I was about to say, but I said it anyway.
"Because...I know it's not right. I cannot give up on what I have learned to love and cherish my entire life. I cannot deny what I know to be the truth. I cannot turn my back on the religion that has brought me peace and comfort to my life when I so desperately needed it. I cannot deny what I know to be true. I simply cannot."
Being a homosexual in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is like being on a teeter-totter. One side is God, Jesus, family, religion, hope, charity, love and redemption. On the other side is the homosexual lifestyle. For a while there I was trying to balance the two. For me, the balance was impossible. Thankfully, the weight of the truth outweighed the feeling of loneliness and emptiness the gay world was giving me.
Now please understand, dear reader, that I have no intention of turning my back on the gay world completely. Most of the gay Mormon community is filled with amazing and caring individuals who are striving to do their very best in this earthly sojourn. I am, too.
I want to do what I know is right for me. I want to be an example. I did not like the way my life was heading, and I needed to stop it. So, I did.
You may be asking yourself, "How did this all happen? How did Andy go from the gay lifestyle to the Church-y lifestyle again?" I will tell you.
I missed feeling the Spirit. I missed feeling like I was watched over and protected. I missed feeling the tender mercies of the Lord encircle me and guide me. I missed sensing that I had a real direction in life. I missed the opportunities to serve in the House of the Lord. Above all, I missed being an example.
The gospel of Jesus Christ has never brought me anything but joy and happiness. At times, I feel like it only brings despair and hurt. That's just life. The right thing is the hardness thing to do. I know I'm in for a tough road ahead, but in the gay community, I feel like it is the road less traveled.
And I know that this road will make all the difference.
Hey, man. Whatever gets you through the day is the path you should pursue. Though my situation is one in which the same choice is not plausible(sex is prolly the only thing I could share with a woman), I have much respect for your choice.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I forgot to say: I hope you don't, from the moment forth, associate the gay lifestyle with "sex, booze, and Kylie Minogue", because that is a misrepresentation. :)
ReplyDeleteAlthough the thought of being intimate with a woman is a little stressful, it can happen. Sex is not the only aspect of a relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis is a common misperception. Although it's true that a relationship is based on much more than sex, durable attachment and intimacy absolutely require matched sexual orientations. Don't underestimate this. Many others have been through this before. Mixed-orientation marriages are tougher to pull off than you imagine, and they inflict incalculable harm on the straight spouse.
Best of luck to you.
"I missed feeling the Spirit. I missed feeling like I was watched over and protected. I missed feeling the tender mercies of the Lord encircle me and guide me. I missed sensing that I had a real direction in life...."
ReplyDeleteI have also felt the same feeling like this whenever I disobey the commandments. I had not prayed for a week, then I felt something strange/uncomfortable/insecure. I felt like I NEED to pray. Then I prayed and I felt comfortable again.
So, I hope you will find true happiness by holding on the Gospel. Good luck.
@LDS Brother: Can we change "Kylie Minogue" with "Lady Gaga" or "Madonna"? Haha...
Joned Rahadian
Andy, I love you. No matter what. And I'm proud of you. That is all.
ReplyDeleteOh, one more thing, NEW YORK!!!
Andy, MoHoHawaii is 100% spot on correct. I've been where you say you want to go. And it did exactly what he--and now the Church itself--warns against. I urge you not to risk damaging or destroying the hopes and dreams of a daughter of God by making her your instrument of therapy to try to make yourself into something you're not.
ReplyDeleteFor those already in MOMs I have great respect and nothing but wishes for success. Having been in one myself, I can also say I would never recommend it to anyone because statistically speaking, your chances are not good. Those you know of through blogging are notable exceptions to a general rule.
The Church stopped recommending MOMs because it saw the wreckage that ensued. IMHO that also speaks to the credibility of its other statements about homosexuality, but that's a different topic. Point is that I beg you to learn from my experience: you have no idea of the difficulty and potential pain you would be signing up for. It is your life and your choice, of course. But please don't go there just because your teachers in Church have given you the impression that's what you have to do in order to be good enough. It's not.
Maybe you do need to date a girl or two. I was in a quite serious relationship even after coming out, but please do not be hasty about it. You have to understand yourself, her, and your dynamic to figure out if it will in fact work.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had bad experiences being in the "gay world", but I hope that you also realize that you could've had similar experiences in the straight one as well.
We will love you no matter what, but please understand that there is more to gay land than alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex. Before you make such a complicated decision that will affect you, a wife, and subsequent children, you should be sure that you are just running from the worst of the "homosexual lifestyle".
ReplyDeleteI don't think that what Andy is saying is that "the gays made me do it". There was a girl mixed up in all of this weirdness too. But what I think what Andy is saying is that being away from the spirit caused him to put himself in a bad situation and not realize where he was headed. He chose to distance himself from the spirit so that he wouldn't feel guilt in trying to get a boyfriend all those months ago. But I think he realizes that he needs our Heavenly Father in his life more than he needs a relationship with a man right now.
ReplyDeleteAndy, I know that we have talked about me having faith in you...but you have said on this blog before that you wanted a relationship with a woman...and then the next day you say that it made you feel gross inside thinking about it.
But I am SO happy that you talked with your bishop. I know how scary that can be but how wonderful it can be as well. I tell the primary children every week that they are sons and daughters of Heavenly Father because there is such power in remembering that. Good luck Andy.
Lots of really great points. You can make up your own "homosexual lifestyle" that doesn't consist of booze and clubs and promiscuous sex. Life is much more a la carte than we sometimes realize.
ReplyDeleteRob, I think it's interesting because the church has stopped recommending MOM's but they haven't done a very good job of getting the word out. I know every bishop I've had has encouraged dating and marrying the opposite sex at one point or another, even when I've explained to them the church's official position and that it's just something I'm not going to do.
Andy, when I'm feeling down and depressed and wonder if staying in the Church is worth it, I remember those things you mentioned, the tender mercies, serving in the temple, feeling the Spirit, and I know its for me. Yesterday I got to stand in the circle as my youngest brother was ordained an elder. It was an honor to see him take that step and be able to participate in teh ordinance. .
ReplyDeleteLike you said, "I know its true" it is, and its worth it.
Please excuse my frank language. You're making this choice into a black or white one. If only it were so easy. It's actually many shades of gray. On one hand you are saying to be a good LDS boy you should get married in the temple and have children. On the other hand, you're saying that being gay means drinking, promiscuity, and losing the Spirit.
ReplyDeleteYou have *many* choices between those two. Many gay choose to be celibate (and likely miserable for the rest of their lives). There is no substitute for for the love a couple feels. That includes the sexual love a couple feels. I think I can plainly state that any marriage where sex is a chore, uncomfortable, and forced will fail. Don't think God made you the exception.
Don't think you need to drink to be gay. I've never had a sip, my boyfriend hasn't either. Most of my friends don't drink. Alcoholism is rampant in the gay world. It's hard to find those that never drink or do it in moderation. But we are here!
You may feel that being gay means not having the Spirit. You couldn't be more wrong. Remember, even if you aren't temple worthy, you can be led by the Spirit. After all, non-members feel the Spirit. How else would they know the Book of Mormon is true?
Your perspective right now is saying you need to quit one side or the other cold turkey. Don't. Find the correct mix for yourself. It's harder to do, but it will make you happy. I mean the real happy.
Wow--you've really stirred up the pot. You said what you felt, and it seems to be drawing attention. Thanks for being honest. I will be too.
ReplyDeleteA mixed orientation marriage is a mistake. Having done one--and flopped at it, I feel qualified to tell you that. I never had problems with the sex stuff--but it didn't shut off what I was wanting or desiring.
I also have to wonder about your statements regarding the spirit. Yes--prayer, and being close to God will bring you that feeling. But your automatic assumption is that only the LDS Church can bring you that. God's inspirational powers run far deeper than that.
Best wishes sorting all this out. I believe you can live a life which will make you happy, but you'll have to listen to yourself too.
Life is funny. You think you have everything in the world and then in a moment you feel you don't have anything. How do we ever know our purpose in life when its always changing. I think we all go through this and never stop trying to figure out what path we should take. We all jump back and forth some saying this is the right way and others say no this way.
ReplyDeleteHel. 5: 12
And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
Andy, I grew up with you and I know that you have a heart of Gold. You always had dreams to do big things, to conquer the world (or the Drama world). You have been known to break everything in my house yet you still haven't broken any box office records. You are a good person. You have always done what you thought was right and that is more than what this world we live in can say. All I can say is keep trying to do what is right and all will be well.
James 1:12
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
Alright enough scriptures!! No matter what happens in life just remember that you are loved and supported in every step that you take. You should come visit sometime.
Andy, I hope whatever path you choose, whether right or left or somewhere in the middle, you find happiness.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't feel like the shallow end of the pool any more. Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "...deep water is what I am wont to swim in."
ReplyDeleteBishop L.
Andy, A lot of advice here. Mine is to simply do that which feels right to you, what brings you the most internal peace. Only you know what that is. Trust yourself.
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to tell you how much I needed to read what you've shared here. In a lot of ways, I'm in a similar situation, facing a similar debate. I've had a really tough time coming to terms with everything, but your words have done a lot to inspire me. THANKS!
ReplyDelete