What am I Here for?

Boyd recently mentioned existentialism. Interestingly enough, that has been the subject of my Humanities 202 class discussions.

The quotes below are directly from Professor Ransom and other students in my Humanities 202 class.

"What if I believe in one thing, but I choose to act another? Are we capable of this? Do we do this?" She then gave the example of the man who entered into the Amish village and brutally shot little girls. She said that he had reached a climax in his life where he thought he was the victim. She went on to say, "...a person can so poison their [life], thinking they're a victim and believing that and whatever they do they have no choice and they have to do it, because they were a victim."

A student raised her hand. Professor Ransom called on her.

"This poison that you're talking about...i-i-it's truly how sin works. Its the reason of sin. We justify what we are doing. I don't think that there is a way that we can be totally in our right mind and do something that is so horribly wrong and...it's that justification that makes us act a certain way."

Professor Ransom then added, "So, you have to step back and realize that you have certain convictions and every act that you make is a choice and has it's consequences...

...the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have no freedom; that we have no choice; that we had to act that way. However, our choices are never forced upon us. Things can happen; we can be born in certain environments, we can have certain disadvantages and advantages but we still have choices...

...if I were born with a genetic disposition to drink alcohol and to say that I am going to be different, then [yes] we already know that."

Then she went in for the kill.

"But, if I choose to not drink alcohol, and I become a person who doesn't drink alcohol and I fight whatever tendencies that I may have...that's my essence."

The reason why I know exactly word for word what she said is because I began recording her lecture. It was a beautiful lecture, but one that really got me thinking. I began to think why I was predisposed to have this trait in my life. Was it because I am just different? Is there a Higher reason for this? Or, am I just a natural course of things? But, if I am a natural course of things, that completely debunks the Plan of Salvation and leaves me to wonder if there even is a God. If there is a God, then wouldn't He want me to have the essence that He created me with? Or, does He want to go against what I have been given and choose another essence? Is this really my trial to bear?

I'm sorry for all these questions. Yesterday was just one of those days when I step back and start to wonder if what I am doing is right. I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but almost every day I am conflicted. I feel right in my heart, but my soul at times, feels different. I feel like I am gay for a reason, yet at times, I feel like I am nothing for being gay. At times, I feel like God wants nothing other than my happiness in this life, but at the same time, God lets me know that if I choose happiness here, then I will not be happy in the next life.

Oh, the frailty of man! If only we know our exact purpose and nature. Everyone is so different, there is so much variety, that I cannot see God letting all His children who have heard the truth to only have one chance. But, at the same time, I feel like Satan is on my left shoulder whispering into my ear telling me that there is no God and that there is no Devil, and this way he is carefully leading me down into the depths of Hell.

What am I here for? What I am to do?