Andy's Guide to Being Gay # 3: The Woman Inside

The following must be either read aloud in a harsh Minnesotan woman accent, or read by Sarah Palin.

Most of you homosexual men out there can agree that you have some feminine tendencies. Even though you may be the "straight" gay man who loves steak and Levi's, deep down you've got a feminine side. This can have almost complete and dominating control over you to the point that people actually think you are a woman, or it can be as subtle as the simple desire to try and reproduce with another man.

Whatever the case may be, you've got a little woman inside of you that is screaming to get out.

Below are some suggestions on how to release that woman and let her own the world.

(1) Take a cooking class. You might find it strange, but cooking is very feminine and only real women can cook. I mean, just look at Emeril Lagasse and Jamie Oliver: Gay. So, gay!

(2) When you're having a bad day, sit down in front of the TV with a bucket of ice cream and watch "He's Just Not Into You". There is nothing more feminine than spending countless hours pitying yourself by watching chick flicks and eating fatty frozen milk. If you want to let that woman out, you need to get on this train.

(3) Learn how to knit. Knitting is very therapeutic and can help aid against the beginnings of carpal tunnel and arthritis. If you want to help release that inner woman, you can knit an ugly sweater consisting of cats wearing Patriotic hats or something. That screams homosexuality. For sure.

(4) Eat at Zupas.

That little biotch inside of you needs some Tomato Basil Soup, or at least a Nuts About Berries Salad. For some reason, women are somehow telepathically attached to Zupas and must eat there at least once a week. You don't believe me? The next time you go to Zupas, count how many men are eating there. If there are men there they are either (1) with their wife or (2) on a date with another gay man.

(5) Care too much about what you look like. For most women, spending 15 minutes getting ready is a cardinal sin. Some gay men think that way, too. They are so focused on their looks that they spend too much time in front of the mirror getting ready. Both these men and women need to realize that they are beautiful just the way that they are, and hours of preparation will neither add nor distract from that component.

There you have it. If you're gay and that woman inside of you is just aching to get out, simply follow one of the prescribed steps above and you'll be more gay instantly!