There are many perks and pleasantries that come from being a Sodomite, or in other words, a homosexual man. Other than the excuse to blame your emotions on your attraction to your same gender, you are entitled to The Gay Card. This card is easy to come by, and any homosexual man or woman can have one. However, there are some stipulations on how you can receive your card, and how you can get it taken away.
How to Receive Your Gay Card
(1) Be attracted to the same gender. (That's the easy part)
(2) Dress as fashionably as you can, especially in the Winter. Please try to add Lady Gaga influences when possible.
(3) Dance in the dark.
(4) Dance naked in the shower to Celine Dion at the age of 14.
(5) Be snobby, dramatic, overachieving, and above all: loveable.
How to Have Your Gay Card Retracted
(1) If you watch football because you actually enjoy it.
(2) If you wear Levi's.
(3) If you've never seen an episode of "Glee".
(4) The phrase, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" means nothing.
(5) If you think steak is the best kind of meat you can put in your mouth.
Of course, there are other ways to receive your gay card and there are other ways that the card can be retracted. If you have yet to receive your gay card, I recommend to follow the steps above until you have received it. Only another homosexual man or woman can give you a gay card and only a homosexual can take it away. If you have had your card retracted, my advice is to stop doing all of the above, and learn to love Glee, and meat other than steak.
Finally, if you already have your gay card and you know someone who hasn't received theirs, do all you can to help them out. Likewise, if you have someone's gay card, isn't it about time that you've given it back?
(You can stop talking in a British accent now)
Do you know what today is? CUTE BOY FRIDAY! YAY!
Um, I do enjoy football sometimes. I wear Levi's, and Steak is my favorite type of meat (hello garlic top sirloin, where have you been all my LIFE!). Does my undying love for GLEE make up for those three infractions? Or is the Gay Card like a Tote'm Chip from Boy Scouts. Each infraction takes a corner away from the whole until you have 4 infractions?
ReplyDeleteHe he he. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI'm with David. I love steak, watch football and wear Levi's (though less often than in days gone by). I even have the Glee songs on my ipod.
ReplyDeleteI love steak too...
ReplyDeleteMaybe I've got a dirty mind, but I didn't read the "steak" bit as "gay people like poultry better than red meat". I assumed you were being euphemistic and talking about preferring... (ahem) a different kind of meat in one's mouth...
I'm so bad...
Of course, everybody knows the best kind of meat to put in one's mouth is BBQ'd pork.
ReplyDeleteLDS Brother nailed it right on the head.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I have to dance in the dark to be considered gay? I always dance in front of my my friends in everywhere...
ReplyDelete^_^
Joned
My gay card positives:
ReplyDelete1. Same gender attraction. Score!
2. Fashion? Fail. (Listen to Gaga while wearing golf shirts and dockers.)
3. Dance in the dark? Fail. (Sometimes I dance alone in the house but never in the dark.)
4. Naked shower dancing at 14? Fail. (Found much more compelling things to do in the shower.)
5. Snotty, dramatic, overachieving, loveable. Guilty on all counts. Score!
2/5
My gay card negatives:
1. Don't watch much football and don't enjoy it when I do. Score!
2. Do wear Levi's. Fail.
3. Have never watched Glee. Fail.
4. Disco stick, double entendre. Score!
5. Tube steak, double entendre. Score! (Salmon's actually my favorite. Nature's other pink meat.)
3/5
So, overall I have 5/10. Perfect score for a guy who sees himself as bisexual, don't you think?
I'm 3/5 in the first batch, 0/5 in the second. Ding ding ding! So much for people who accuse me of being a closet straight guy.
ReplyDeleteLevis are actually fashionable and $$$ in foreign countries. ^___^
ReplyDeleteLevi's are so back! You just have to buy nice ones at the right store.
ReplyDeleteDavid Baker-you can still be entitled to your gay card...I guess.
ReplyDeleteScott-you are SO bad. It's crazy that you'd ever think that meat is a euphemism for something else!
LDSBrother-you may be right. BBQ pulled pork from Lon's Cookin' Shack is pretty amazing.
Jonedrahadian-I guess that's true. As long as you dance.
Ned-I do think. You can have your gay card as well.
Everyone else-I'm all glad you have gay cards, like meat, and think Levi's are cool. Good for you.