I'm talking about the mystery man, who I still will not divulge his identity. We kissed, we held hands, we cuddled, and then...it ended. Just like that.
Honestly, I felt heart broken. I felt taken advantage of. I felt angry.
We had gone to see "The Princess and the Frog" at the dollar theatre.
It was a nice enough experience. However, we went with two other MoHos. Since affection is strong in the gay world, MM (mystery man) started to rub another MoHos back. I was a little upset. I mean, we had been seeing each other every night.
He leaned over to me. "Is this alright?"
"Y-yeah, that's fine." I said, keeping my eyes fixed on the movie screen.
When the movie was over, we went back to my place. We went to my room and we started talking and kissing intermittently.
Then, we had "the talk".
"I just don't know what to do," MM said.
"About what?"
"About life. Myself. The church."
I knew what was coming. I tried to brace myself for it.
MM sighed. "I'm not looking for a relationship."
CUE: Ton of bricks landing on my face.
I didn't say anything. I was at a loss for words. Here we were, spending every night together, talking, having fun, being close with each other and then...ye olde phrase "I just want to be your friend."
Then, we cuddled there in silence. Hot tears were running down the side of my face. MM was crying quietly on my chest.
"I just don't know what I want. I love the Church, yet I know who I am deep inside, and this feels...so right! But my whole life, I've been taught that it's wrong."
"Don't you feel happy with me?"
"I do, and that is what confuses me."
As we sat there in the darkness, tears on both of our faces, an anger that I had never felt before began to surge inside of me. How could my Heavenly Father want to see two of His sons feel this way? Does He enjoy seeing His children crying together because they both want something they can "never" have?
The concept of being gay and being in the Church is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. I haven't decided what I want to do. All I know is that I am looking for a relationship and MM wasn't.
Now, flash forward three days:
I'm not as angry as I was. I'm not as sad as I was. MM said,
"People tell me if I get involved with a man that there will always be something missing that I can feel in my soul. That would probably be the church. But right now, I already feel like I'm missing something, and that is someone who I truly feel comfortable with in every way and actually loved. I feel like either way, I am losing. And I shouldn't be losing. The reason for my existence is to find happiness."
Aristotle said, "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence". It's true. We are designed both physically and spiritually to want to be happy; to experience the beautiful life that we have all been endowed with. I am looking and searching for happiness, and one day...I will find it.
I forgive you, MM. And yes, we can be friends.
Coming up next: "Where's my vibrator?"
*sigh* That's unfortunate, but it's the harsh reality of many guys like us.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you Andy. The hurt from heartbreak is incredibly painful. If I may share a few things from my experience.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds callous, but the first one always ends in heartbreak. There are many good guys out there that will make a great match for you. You're attractive in person and personality. Don't think of it as a replacement for the feelings you have now. They aren't. But it will build on those feelings of love.
I compare coming out and dating in the gay world to being reborn. You're brand new to the gay dating world, so think of yourself as 16 and starting to date for the first time. When you're 16 you're not looking to partner up. You're learning what it is you like and how relationships work.
Don't take it as belittling. We all went through it.
On another topic, we'd (Aaron and I) love to see you again. I'll let you know when the next activity is.
I'm happy that you've found your peace. Now I won't have to hate *his* guts. :)
ReplyDeleteYour post describes very well the cruel impossibility that the Church forces its gay members to confront. And it's no wonder that, according to statistics I've heard, the great majority of those who face it end up leaving, in search of love and companionship. As long as the Church permits no other alternative, I'm not going to have much sympathy for its protestations that it loves all its members and wants them to stay.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you're working through this without bitterness (neither for your fellow man nor for the Church). Know that you're not alone in this experience.
ReplyDelete