For weeks, my mother sewed my outfit. I wish I had pictures of it, because I can't really remember it. All I know is that I had a pair of overalls made out of denim, a straw hat, a plaid shirt, and of course, boots. I was probably the most authentic pioneer young man...ever.
The first day was Hell on Earth. We had handcarts and we went 14 miles the first day. All they fed us was water and oranges during the day. Then, when we finally set up camp, it was 2:30 in the morning. They fed us broth and a roll. It was disgusting. Bleh. So, I went to my sleeping bag where my "family" was, and I asked my Ma if she had any PeptoBismol. She said, "Nope. The pioneers didn't have it."
I felt terribly sick to my stomach. We had set up camp on the side of a forest dirt road in a valley. On the right of the road was where everyone was sleeping. The right side of the road was for the men to use the restroom (no trees, just bushes) and the left was for the woman (all trees). I felt so sick to my stomach that I went to the left side of the road so I could have some privacy to vomit up crappy Pioneer food.
As I knelt down by a tree and got into the vomit position, I heard rustling about two feet in front of me. As I struggled to see in the darkness, a young woman in a petticoat emerged from the darkness.
She lifted up her dress and squatted down and went to the bathroom. 2 feet away from me. Literally. I was holding my breath, and trying not to vomit at the same time. I couldn't believe that she didn't see me. I mean, how creepy would that be? A boy who is hunched over in the bushes watching young women go pee?
Right after she left, a flood of oranges, broth, water, and rolls erupted out of my mouth. It was in that moment I realized that it wasn't God who made me gay, but a young woman peeing 2 feet away from me. Gross. Women pee.
There you have it. The story of what made me gay. A woman in a petticoat.
Now I would like to know: What made you gay?
P.S. Obviously, this isn't what made me gay. Who knows what makes us gay? However, I'd like to hear if anyone has any similar stories like this.
That is insanely gross, Andy.
ReplyDeleteIs it gross? This whole time I thought the story was funny, not gross! Hmmm....maybe I should have taken out some of the details :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 13 or 14 I went on a scout trip to San Francisco. We camped in Golden Gate Park (I doubt they even allow that now) and went to a museum or some such thing in the park. Two of my best buddies and I were walking out of a tunnel when, what did we behold, but a homeless woman squatting and taking a pee. I'm pretty sure I was already gay by then, having a decided interest in the boys underwear ads in the Sunday paper, but I'm am also certain all three of us were traumatized. One of my friends had a packet of ketchup for some reason and, when he say this spectacle, squoze it so hard that it burst out all over him. Eeeeek.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I originally thought the post was going to be about the movie Operation Petticoat with Cary Grant. Great movie by the way.
ReplyDeleteI am NEVER going to go to the bathroom in front of my husband now.
ReplyDeletehahaha
I thought he was going to talk about the Church film, Pioneers in Petticoats...which taught me not to be a hussy because then the girls at church will judge me and talk behind my back. Or maybe I learned that after I became a hussy.
I am sorry that I don't have a story to tell.
For some reason my stake never did the pioneer trek thing with the youth, and I'm glad because I always thought they were kinda stupid. I still don't see the point. Now I have another reason to be glad, I was never at risk of anything like what happened to you Andy.
ReplyDeleteAlthough your post does make me think of a ward youth activity during which I should have realized I was gay. We went to Nauvoo in late summer and all the guys slept outside in a park, it was lots of fun (don't remember where the girls were). Until it started to rain. We all got drenched. Fortunately we were prepared with ponchos, and took refuge under a covered picnic area. While everybody was changing out of their wet clothes under their ponchos I caught sight of one of the older guys starkers when he flipped his poncho up for some reason. I was hypnotized. Yeah, shoulda known then!