I had an in-depth conversation with three of my four roommates. We had started chatting about conspiracy theories about 9/11 and Masons and Mormons and cancer...which led me to tell them about a roommate that I had before. This roommate had cancer and he's gay. One of my roommates said, "Gosh, I feel bad for him."
"Why?" I asked.
"Well, because he's gay. It's hard to see people choose that way of life."
I promptly responded, "I don't think it's a choice."
"I do."
I then mustered up some courage and said, "Hey roommates, I'm gay and I know I didn't choose to be attracted to guys."
The roommate sitting next to me laughed a bit and said, "Should I be worried that I'm sitting this close to you?"
I laughed back and replied, "No." (Although I do think he is really hot).
This roommate then started to go about the normal process most Mormons take when someone they know tells them that they are gay.
(1) It's just a trial given to people. Like cancer, or alcoholism, or...whatever.
(2) You can overcome anything in this life.
(3) Are you remotely attracted to girls?
(4) What's your plan for the future?
I answered all his questions. Then he asked me, "Do you think you could be happy for the rest of your life with another man?"
I hadn't actually given that much thought.
I said, "To be honest, when I picture myself 50 years down the road, there is not another guy with me. It's just me. Alone. Or with a woman."
"Why do you think that is?" This roommate inquired.
I hesitated. "Umm...I don't know...maybe deep down, I still know that homosexuality is wrong?"
The conversation pretty much ended there. I went to my room, feeling super sick to my stomach. I felt wrong. I felt cheated. I felt heartbroken. Thinking about leaving behind an entire part of me hurt. Trying to predict what kind of life I would lead with a woman made me sick. When I came to the conclusion that I was gay and there really was nothing I could do to "cure" myself, a feeling of warmth and reassurance swept over me. I felt like God loved me and appreciated the steps that I was taking.
Now, what does this mean? I think that God let me know that being gay, or at least being attracted to men isn't wrong. If God did give me this blessing, then there is something that He wants me to do with it. If it's just a part of life, then maybe the Church doesn't have all the answers. Maybe the comforting feeling of the Holy Ghost that I received told me that my life is my own to live and that being gay is just a small part of it.
Who knows? All I know is that when I pray to be straight, I feel wrong. When I pray to have the assurance that who I am is right, I feel warm.
Suggestions?
Wow, Andy. That was super brave of you. It must be nerve-wrecking wondering if they'll treat you differently now. I hope they all understand the gospel in its truest form and do not get confused by preconceived notions and Mormon culture.
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you ever want to talk about it. I'm here for ya.
Don't pray to be straight. That is like me praying to be a man. Heavenly Father knows who you are. He knows how He made you and He did it for a reason. Don't pray to be out of the situation, pray for the strength to help others and to realize your full potential being just the wonderful guy you are.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
I hope you shared your conclusions with your roommates, else I fear they will take your last comment as verifying all their prejudices.
ReplyDeleteI share your perspective about the peace and comfort that come from self-acceptance. Your roommates need to know this too.
"If it's just a part of life, then maybe the Church doesn't have all the answers."
ReplyDeleteBy it's own admission, the Church does not have all the answers. "[A]nd we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." --9th Article of Faith
The Church has said it has the fullness of the Gospel. This means that it has all the ordinances and principles that a person needs to enter the Celestial Kingdom. But most people mistake "fullness" for meaning infallibility and having all the answers.
As an organization, I believe the Church does not have the answers concerning its gay members. It either isn't ready or is waiting for God's response. So in the mean time it just does the best it can. That means its gay members should just 'sit on their hands and wait.'
Suggestions? I suggest that you remember the feelings of the spirit. It sounds like God has told you it is okay to be gay. What that means to you, only you are entitled to know. In any case I would encourage you to nourish your spiritual soul. So doing will give you the assurance the path you are taking is right.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good soul Andy. It comes through over and over.
I suggest that you breathe and then embrace the fresh air that is on the other side of the closet door. Coming out to anyone is a big step and I am proud of you for it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree with Big Red Hammer. The Church doesn't have all of the answers for everything. But the Gospel does. This might be the gospel according to Katrina. I am so happy that you are looking for your own personal Gospel with our Heavenly Father through prayer. God will let you know if you get off track with your life...but I think you know that.
ReplyDeleteBoskers--thanks for being there for me. You are a great friend.
ReplyDeleteKatrina--I will stop praying to be straight. This is really good advice. For sure.
Alan--I haven't shared my conclusions with my roommates. I do need to. Most of them understand where I am coming from. It's just my newest roommate. However, I will let them know.
Hammer--I completely agree. I have thought that the church is infallible, but...as an institution, it doesn't have all the answers. I need to remember that most of these answers geared to the GLBT community from the church is just speculation.
Bravone--thank you so much. It makes me happy to hear that I am a good soul. It makes me feel great. I do need to remember those warm feelings of the spirit.
BB--Thanks. It was a big step.