Change is Scary

I am terrified to post this. I feel if I will lose all my friends. I feel as if I will lose the ties that I have gained over the last two years. Please read this post and comment. I do not know why I feel like that, since the post shouldn't make me lose friends. I don't want to annoy people with my constant "whining" and "complaining".

Now, enjoy the following post:

It’s time for a change.

I can no longer live the life that I am leading. I am ready to change. I am ready to become a different person. I am ready to become the man that I want to become. I have tried many many times before, but I have always failed. I need to start anew. I need help.

I just finished watching a TLC special entitled, “The Half Ton Teens Survival”. It was about two young men about the ages of 17-20 who were super morbidly obese. This means that they were both over 550 lbs. Watching that documentary made me feel so sad for those two boys and made me feel…scared that one day that would happen to me.


Granted, I am nowhere near 550 lbs. I am not obese but I am nowhere in my healthy weight range. Weight loss and weight gain has been an epic battle my entire life. Once my parents and I moved to Arizona, I started to gain a lot of weight. I don’t know what triggered it. It could have been a lot of different things. It could have been the miscarriage that my mother had and I could have blamed that on myself. It could have been the fact that I started to realize that I was attracted to other men. It could have just been that I was a little lazy and that I was tired of trying. Who knows? All I know now is that I am tired and that I need to change.

I am scared to change, though. I am scared to start a new life. There have been so many times in my life previous to this that I have failed before, and I am scared of doing it again. I get to a point where I think to myself, “Why even try if you know you are just going to fail again?” I think to myself and say, “Professional dieticians all say that diets just don’t work. You need to eat food.” I know how my body works and I know that if I want to lose some serious weight, I need to cut back. And I need to cut back a lot.

I was once about 5’11” my eighth grade year in junior high and I was about 260 lbs. I was one fat kid. People made fun of me constantly. I was called the “oompa loompa” and “fatty” and “chubby buns”. Kids are mean. But, I had one teacher, Chaz Dewitt who helped me realize that I had potential inside of me. He helped me understand that if I wanted to change, the only person that could do that was myself. I couldn’t lean on other people to make me change. I had to do it myself.

Which is why I need to change again.

I currently weigh about 255 lbs, although I am 6’4” and I have been hitting the gym almost every day for the last two years. Even though I have a membership to a gym and I go almost every day, that does not account for the horrible diet that I have had. I figured it out and I have gained about 1.25 lbs each month for the last 2 years since coming home from my mission. I was a stick. I was about 200 lbs, an ideal and perfect weight for me.

I want to look like the guys you see in the fitness magazines. I want to look like Brad Pitt. I want to look hot and sexy. I also want to be healthy, but honestly…I want to look better. I want to look sexier. I want to attract people. I know that this sounds wrong, but I know I would have a better dating life if I were to be healthier and more attractive. People do not want to date other people who are fat, or who have that option of becoming fat later in life. I do not want to date someone that is fat. I want to date someone that is fit and who is healthy. How can I date someone like that if I, myself, am not like that?

I know this is a weird time to start an extensive exercise and diet program, but I have let myself go too far. My mind is telling me to wait after Christmas. I cannot wait that long. I will just gain more weight. I know my weaknesses. I know my cravings. I know that if I do not start now, I could easily gain 15 lbs over this next month…and that is scary.

The more I am writing the more I am scaring myself. Maybe I need to see a counselor about this. I am an emotional eater. I am also programmed to eat food. I know that junk food and food that tastes good has been scientifically altered with preservatives to have the exact right amounts of fat, sugar, and salt. I am addicted to food. Food is my own personal brand of heroine and if I do not stop now, I fear I will not be able to.

I guess the purpose of this post is not to gain pity remarks from the faithful followers of my blog, but it is to receive the support that I need. Honestly, I have some friends who do not support me in these goals. Some of those friends are overweight and they drag me down. They take me out to dinner. They make me want to go out to a buffet. And I have a hard time saying no, because I know how good that food will make me feel. I know that I will be happy for about 1 hour until that ecstasy diminishes and I will be back to where I am.

In terms of spirituality and religion, I know that I am treating my body in a way that is not fit in the Lord’s eyes. I know that I am not obeying the Word of Wisdom. All the junk food that I am eating is like vomiting on the steps of the House of the Lord and refusing to clean it up. I know it’s a harsh example, but a true one. My body is my temple and I am vandalizing it. I am throwing away a perfect opportunity to treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.

I also need to lose weight to make it in the entertainment and business world. No one likes to hire fat people. No one wants to cast a fat person as the lead character. No one will hire a fat person to be the leader of a new business. Being healthy is the best and sometimes the only commodity an entertainer has. You cannot be overweight and fat and expect to succeed in the entertainment and business world. People try to tell me that that is not so, “just look at Oprah, just look at Queen Latifah, just look Jason Alexander”…well…no offense, Oprah and Queen Latifah are both black (a fat black woman is a normal stereotype accepted by people and almost expected) and Jason Alexander does not get any other roles other than the fat friend or the butler. You cannot be fat and expect to succeed. It is sad, but it is true and it will not happen.

I am beginning a new chapter of my life. I am beginning something new and exciting and something that will be terrifying and extremely difficult for me. I ask you to help me on this exciting journey. I ask for your support and your prayers. I ask for your kindness and your patience. I ask to be bothered and to be asked how I am doing with my goals. I ask to be annoyed by your constant pressuring me to do better. I am asking you to email me, text me, call me…whatever…just help me keep on track.


I know that the only person who can change me is me…but a little help would be nice. Sorry that this post is so long. I do not think that I have ever posted anything quite this long. I hope that some of you have actually read it and not just skimmed over the paragraph headings and got to this paragraph and expect to give me words of advice. I am serious about changing my life.

I love you all dearly. I know I can change. I will change.

What I am Thankful For

(1) My family. My loving parents who cherish and honor me, no matter what I do. I love the love that my father has for my mother and the love my mother has for him in return. My dad is the perfect example of humility and patience. I admire him greatly for that. My mom is a great task manager, but more importantly, she loves her children. I love my older sister, Erin and her husband Dustin. Dustin is the perfect husband for my sister. He is a great father. Erin is the best older sister, ever! She loves me and makes me laugh every day. She is the best. (CARROTS!) I love my little niece, Kate. She is so beautiful and I can't wait until she is old enough to appreciate me so I can start spoiling her! I love my younger sister Jennifer. She has so much talent. She has a talent that needs to be shared with the world. She is a good little sister, who could ask for a better one? I love my little brother, Jared. Jared has a good head on his shoulders and he does what he is supposed to. I like to talk to him and plan outrageous road trips that we hopefully will take one day. I love my little brother, Alex. He is the jock of the family; which is good. He is strong and independent, and very loving and Christlike.

(2) God and Jesus Christ. I don't know where I would be today if it weren't for these two wonderful men who have helped me through every single challenge in my life. I am so grateful for Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world who atoned for my sins and loves me unconditionally. I love my Father very much. He understands me and wants me to be the best that I can be. I try to do that.

(3) Work, School, and a House-after a while of not having a job or a place to stay, the Good Lord decided it would be best if I had those things. I currently live in a tiny house right next to campus in the best ward in Provo. I love my bishop and I love my roommates.

(4) Friends-where do I even begin? I love my friends as if they were family. Currently, they all decided to get up and leave me stranded here in Provo, but thank God for the internet. I still know exactly what they are doing. I love them terribly. Geoff, Clarise, Katrina, Aaron, Lindsey, Stephanie...love you!

(5) Being Gay-this challenge, this...part of my life has brought me closer to the Lord and my Father in Heaven than anything else. Strangely enough, I have to say that I am glad that I am gay. It has been a very hard part of my life, but the older I get, the more I understand about it, and the less I understand about it.

(6) Blogging and my internet friends-I am so grateful for all those who read this blog and offer me sage words of advice. I have been through a lot this year, and I have to say that through the dark times, those who lifted me up were my friends and my internet friends. I love you, dang MOHO's!

My Bishop and an Old Roommate

There are a shortage of great bishops in this world. I am terribly blessed to have come in contact with one of them.

Last night was tithing settlement (early, I know). After doing the regular thing with tithing settlement, we just started chatting. School, work, family...the basics. He then asked me about my blog. He reads this, you know.

I told him that I had went on a few dates with another guy, but nothing happened. He asked me why I ended breaking up with him. I told my bishop that the guy I was dating became obsessed with sex; talking about it, texting about it, things like that. I said that I didn't want something like that to be a part of a relationship, and clearly not something to base a relationship on. He then asked me something that surprised me.

"Why didn't you have sex with him?"

I thought for a moment and then I said, "I don't know. I guess...I just don't want that in my life. I believe that sex should be shared between two people who love each other and who have proved to each other that they are in a committed and loving relationship."

I paused for a moment and then added, "Besides, that's not the person I am."

My bishop said, "That was the answer I was looking for. I am proud of you."

Even though I am proud of myself for not giving in, I am more amazed how this man, my bishop, talks to me. I have never met another man like him in the church. Now, I understand that he is not condoning my life choices. However, what I do know is that he is being a perfect example of Jesus Christ. Something many many people struggle with.

Last night, one of my old roommates who happened to be gay came and stayed the night at my house. We had a great time reminiscing of our past together (just friends, duh) and all the good times we had. This roommate also told me some sobering news.

This roommate used to babysit his nieces almost every weekend in Salt Lake. Sadly, someone told his extended family members that he was gay and everything went downhill. My ex roommate received a text from them which basically said, "Do not talk to us. Do not visit us. Do not text us. Do not call us. You are longer a part of our family."

As he told me this, I could tell that this hurt him very much. My old roommate is a strong man, but he has been through a lot of crap, and this isn't helping to diminish the pile he already has to deal with.

It just irks me and makes me extremely angry and depressed that people, who are members of the Church, who profess to be Christians shut off a family member. They have put a wall between them and the love my roommate has for them. Its hard to put into words how sad I feel for my roommate. No one should be treated like that. No one should be discriminated and belittled for something they didn't choose.

But, my roommate will pull through it. Just like he has with all his other problems in the past. He is a strong man; a great friend; and a wonderful example of righteousness, Christlike attributes and love. He is a man just like my bishop.

And I love them both.

And the Winner is...

NICOLE!


To be honest, I only saw about the last four episodes of America's Next Top Model. However, that being said, when I saw the beautiful work that Nicole consistently showed me, I wanted her to win. She is a beautiful woman and one that has superb modeling talent.



Looking at the photo above, I will reiterate what Nigel Barker said last night during the finale: "Nicole has the capability to be a high fashion model". It's true, her body, poise and talent will skyrocket her to international fame and success...just as long as she doesn't do anything stupid.



In conclusion, Nicole deserved to win. She is already a model. The End.
P.S. I hope I didn't spoil the show for anyone.
P.P.S. This has to be my gayest post...ever.

Boy! Just One Normal Gay Man

What can I say about my word cloud? When the image appeared on the screen...I took a sharp breath. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. My initial reaction was to think, "Wow. I just want to be a normal man, with a wife and kids, and a family". Upon further reflection, I believe there may be something else hidden in this cloud of mine.

(For those of you who don't know, a word cloud takes a text from anywhere. It can be a website, a blog, an uploaded text...basically anything. It then finds the words that are used the most, or perhaps the most prominent. Basically, it reads your life and puts everything into perspective for you)

Could this subconscious paddle of thoughts be what I truly feel? That I really am just a normal person? With some flipping of the words, the most common ones actually make a phrase: "Boy! Just one normal gay man". And that is what I feel. I do believe that. I never thought that I would be able to say this, but I do feel normal. I feel like I am loved. I feel...right.

Looking further into my blog, it reveals the things that occupy my life and my thoughts. Funny, though...it has Church and God in really itty bitty letters. Hmmm, interesting.

All in all, this word cloud has really opened my eyes to see what I believe and what I feel. I no longer need to feel oppressed by other people and their ideals. I no longer feel the need to be perfect, for I know that is something unattainable in this life. I have decided to do my best. I will be a good citizen, a good son, a good partner, a good friend. Most of all, I will be

just one normal gay man.

Normal Gays

Some of you have been asking me, "What is a normal gay? How do you define normal?" (Remember, this is all my personal opinion).

For me, a normal gay is someone who does not fit into the subculture and stereotypical gay community. A normal gay is a man, who doesn't go clubbing every weekend, does drink fruity appletini's, and doesn't participate in promiscuous sex. Now, I know for a fact, that there are gays out there who do go clubbing and drink appletini's but don't participate in sexual behavior, they are almost normal. To me.

To me, a normal gay is a man who does what he believes to be right and doesn't fit the stereotype. A normal gay is a man who doesn't wear designer jeans, tight button up shirts, with a fauxhawk hairstyle...he wears normal clothes, looks nice, but doesn't follow the whole metrosexual-gay-look.

A normal gay man is someone who does not let his sexuality dictate what type of life he should live. Just because he is attracted to other men, does not mean that he must go and be the diva who rides on the top of the 1st float in the PRIDE parade. A normal gay man isn't the type of man who wears woman's clothing just because...he's gay, that's what he is supposed to do.

That is what a normal gay man to me is like. He is just a man, who likes men. And that is it. However, I do not and will never hate the stereotypical gay men and lifestyle. They are my brothers and sisters and I love them and I support them. If you are the stereotypical gay man, then...hurrah for you. I love you and I support you.

I just don't think I could date you :)

Putting Myself Out There

Lend me your ears (I'll give them back, I swear)

I sent an email to the boy, about one hour later I received a text message informing me that he had read the email and was "highly dissapointed". I didn't text him back. And you know what? I'm not sad at all. Although, I did have to have one of my friends force me to push the "send" button. I hate making people feel bad, and I am sure that this boy felt a little sad after receiving the email.

But, I feel a lot better. Looking back, I can see that I was just a little twitterpated, and because of that twitterpatedness, I was seeing the world and this boy through rose-colored glasses, which clearly skewed what was really going on. After I was able to take off the glasses, I noticed that the boy only wanted one thing: what all boys want.

Which makes me sad. This boy was one of the apparently few normal gay LDS men out there. But, then...of course, he really was just like all the others. *sigh*

Oh, well. I am ready to move on. I am ready to throw myself out there. It has been one crazy week, but a good one. I learned a lot about myself and what I really want. I am surprised and proud of myself for standing up for my own morals and beliefs. I did not think that when it came down to it, I would be able to. Well, I proved myself wrong.

And it felt great.

Things Will Be Ending

So, dear bloggers and friends,

Things will be ending with the boy. He is a great guy, clean, upstanding; everything that is attractive to me. However, I grew up in the theatre. I grew up in a sub culture where no personal bubbles exist. I grew up in a world where people are loud, obnoxious, back-biting, funny, awesome, and creative individuals. This boy did not grow up in that same world I did. I need someone who likes the same things I do.

Also, this boy is obsessed with sex and talking about it. I can't handle that. I mean, it's okay to briefly mention the idea, but to keep talking and talking and talking about it; it seems to me that the idea that he was such a good boy who wasn't obsessed with sex, is floating out the window. I am fine with that. He has his life and I have mine. I just don't want to associate myself with people who have their thoughts preoccupied with sex so much.

It would be beneficial to those who read this blog that we have done nothing physical with each other...at all. I can still take the sacrament this Sunday. All we have done is just enjoyed each others company. In the very least, I have just gained a new friend who just wants to talk about sex all the time.

I...just don't think I am ready for someone like this is my life right now. I am still very young. I would like a boyfriend, but...I don't think that this boy is the right one for me. It was nice to get to know him, and have the hope that there are guys out there who have "standards", but...I no longer want him in my life. And that's just the way it will have to be.

Funny thing is...he doesn't know I don't want him anymore. I will let you guys know how it goes. Thank you for supporting me! Love you!

My Date

Well, I am a little hesitant to write about the date I had with a wonderful man this last Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Like I've said before, my bishop reads this blog. But, this guy who I am hanging out with (nothing is official) is one of the strongest men I have ever met in the gospel.

He reads his scriptures every day, goes to Church, does not look at porn, wears his garments, does the right thing...and yet, strangely, none of that stuff seems to make him less gay.

So, we have been seeing each other quite frequently. He is a nice man, a strong man, a good man to at least be friends with. We are going to see District 9 tomorrow at the dollar theatre.

That's date #4.

P.S. We haven't kissed, held hands, even HUGGED. He has boundaries that cannot be broken until later.