Jefferey Robinson said that I should read his CST concepts about homosexual change. I did, and this is what I wrote. I emailed this to him yesterday and I would love to know what you guys think about this! It's a little lengthy, but I really need to know, after reading this, and after reading that, shall I say scathing, review of "In Quiet Desperation" by Dean Byrd and himself, I don't know if I will go back.
(1) He states that homosexuality is “a condition, a trait, a disease…” He makes this sound as if this is a sickness that needs to be cured, or can be cured with a miracle drug or with agonizing years of therapy.
(2) Jeff believes that all homosexual men are (1) unusually emotional (2) introspective and (3) perfectionistic. I know many homosexual men and women who are none of these things. One of my dearest friends is gay and he plays basketball, loves to go shooting, hates chick flicks and doesn’t wear deodorant. He doesn’t care what other people think. He doesn’t cry. He’s the complete opposite of what Dr. Robinson calls “a gay person”.
(3) The phrase, “when I found out I was gay” is used here as an ironic and false doctrine statement. In my personal life, I knew I had always been different, I just didn’t know what being gay meant. When I eventually learned what “gay” meant, I knew it was a stark description of my life. I have always been gay. I never magically woke up one morning and was gay; I just didn’t know what it meant until I was 12.
(4) “…They need to get on with their life, they need to stop putting their life on hold. Many of them have put their life on hold spiritually, academically, socially, in their careers or other things, waiting to solve this problem…” I don’t believe that I have put my life on hold. I think that my life is going in a direction that I want it to go. My sexuality does not influence my academic, career or life choices. It shouldn’t and it doesn’t.
All in all, this talk was a well written read of ways for men who want to overcome homosexuality. There are steps, stories, and ideas to overcome this spiritual challenge in their lives. But, what Jeffery Robinson has failed to mention is that other percentile of men; those who have already overcome their sexuality, those who are okay with being gay. They know that this is something that God has given to them; that “…Father in Heaven [who] seems to be stingy with taking this problem away from people…” I can accept that. I can be okay with my Father who has given me this great blessing, for this blessing has brought me to my knees. It has humbled me. It has taught be that I cannot walk this path of life alone. I need someone, and that someone is my Father in Heaven, or my older brother, Jesus. If God has given me this challenge, then there is nothing that I can do about it. He has made me this way and that is that. Acceptance was the key for me to move on with my life.
There are many men in the church who think that they are wrong or broken because of this challenge. What they have failed to realize is that fact that God made them that way. For some reason, they have been given this challenge of being gay. I don’t believe that, during puberty, they allowed their natural arousals to be directing toward men, (those who they felt most ostracized by) and this caused their homosexuality.
When I was five years old, my mother and father bought me the Beauty and the Beast Barbie Ken doll. It was a masculine toy for me, for it was the beast. His mask was removable and then he would just be the Ken Barbie doll. I remember, late at night, I would remove the doll from my hiding spot and slowly take off his clothes. It aroused me even then. I was five years old. I had no idea what being gay meant, I had no idea what sex meant, but that moment of seeing this “man” take off his clothes aroused me. In that moment, I knew that I was different.
True, I did become very introspective during my adolescent years because that is when I knew what being gay meant. I knew that it was “wrong” and those who were gay were “sick, perverted and going to hell”. It was only when I began to live my own life, and make my own decisions (about the time I left to serve a mission), was the time when I noticed that I was not wrong, that I was not sick, that I was not broken.
Many people might say that Satan has influenced me beyond measure. How can a good upstanding member of Christ’s church think this way? How can he want to be gay? I don’t know. I do not believe that Satan was telling me to accept my homosexuality while I was on my mission. I firmly believe that the idea to accept me for who I am and for the way God made me was God given and aided by the Holy Ghost. Others might think that Satan just infused me with his chains since I was young. To those people I say, “Aren’t we supposed to be ‘protected’ by the buffetings of Satan until we come of age, until we are eight years old?” Many will respond in the affirmative. I then say to them, “How is it, then, when I was five years old, I was attracted to men? Satan had absolutely no power over me. Who “tempted” me to do those things with that Barbie doll?” I don’t believe any Higher or Lower power influenced me to do anything. It has just been part of the way I was built and it will never change.
All in all, I believe that there are some things that I could better myself over. I wish I could stop focusing so much on my personal body image. I wish I could learn how to eat healthier. I wish I could learn how to play the piano better. I wish I could learn how to be a better friend. Nothing I wish for could make we wish I was straight. I am content with who I am. I am happy with who I am. I am at peace with who I am, for the Lord in His great mercy has extended the opportunity for me to come to terms with who I am.
Now, it is just up to me to see what to do next.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Meeting with Jeffery Robinson
Since I am a man of my word, I could not retract my promise to my bishop to meet with Dr. Robinson. I called him on Friday and we made an appointment to see each other on Saturday, which was today.
I went camping last night with some new friends, (all straight, by the way) and this morning I was at peace with my decision and when I walked into Dr. Robinson's lofty Provo office, I wasn't nervous, scared, excited, happy, or peaceful. I was just pretty much content.
I made sure that he knew that I did not want to change. I made sure that he knew that I didn't feel as if anything was wrong with me. I told him that if it came down to it, I would end up leaving the church to pursue a life with another man. But, I also told him, that if the opportunity arose for me to perhaps pursue a life with a woman in the church, then I would try that as well. But we both came to the conclusion that the likelihood of that happening was next to none.
From all the horror stories that I have heard about this guy, none of them seem to match up. I respect people's choices of words and wisdom. Jeffery Robinson might be "pro-change" and he might want me to "stay away from the dragon of homosexuality", but that is what he is best at. Do I want to stay away from that dragon? Nope. Not really. What's gonna happen if that dragon turns out to be like Elliot from "Pete's Dragon"? What's wrong with a nice, fluffy green dragon? Nothing. Just happiness and glee. My opinion, so far, of Dr. Robinson is: he is a man who has dealt with 100's of cases of depressed, angry, sad homosexual men of the church who want to change. If that is their goal, then seeing Jeffery was a good thing for them. Since I don't want to change, I am not going to treat Dr. Robinson as a "mouthpiece" for the church. He is not my bishop, he is not my father, he is not the prophet. He is just a man with personal opinions and I can choose to believe which of those opinions will help me in my life to become a better person.
We talked about happiness. I told him that I love to be happy and that I want to help other people in the world to be happy. He told me that happiness is very indirect and hard to pinpoint for each person. This discussion of happiness was the best part of the meeting. What makes me happy doesn't make you happy. If living a life of celibacy will make someone happy, then by all means, do that. If staying in the church your whole life and getting married to a woman will make you happy, then do it. If getting a boyfriend will make you the happiest, then do it. I believe that people have the right to choose what they want to do with their life, and Jeff told me that he will never try to "guilt me into changing". I have no other choice to believe him. He will be innocent in my eyes until proven guilty (if that ever happens).
All in all, this preliminary meeting with Dr. Jeffery Robinson was a good experience. It was a positive one. He did not tell me to change. He did not tell me I was wrong. He flat out told me that if I wanted to leave his office and never come back, I could do that. He told me that he would never force me to believe what he believes, or believe what the church believes. I have to trust that.
So, I have another appointment with him set up on October 7th. We will see what will happen this next time. I am hopeful that these meetings will help me become a better person, but I do not think that they will change me.
I know who I am, and no one can change that.
P.S. (I'm not paying for this).
I went camping last night with some new friends, (all straight, by the way) and this morning I was at peace with my decision and when I walked into Dr. Robinson's lofty Provo office, I wasn't nervous, scared, excited, happy, or peaceful. I was just pretty much content.
I made sure that he knew that I did not want to change. I made sure that he knew that I didn't feel as if anything was wrong with me. I told him that if it came down to it, I would end up leaving the church to pursue a life with another man. But, I also told him, that if the opportunity arose for me to perhaps pursue a life with a woman in the church, then I would try that as well. But we both came to the conclusion that the likelihood of that happening was next to none.
From all the horror stories that I have heard about this guy, none of them seem to match up. I respect people's choices of words and wisdom. Jeffery Robinson might be "pro-change" and he might want me to "stay away from the dragon of homosexuality", but that is what he is best at. Do I want to stay away from that dragon? Nope. Not really. What's gonna happen if that dragon turns out to be like Elliot from "Pete's Dragon"? What's wrong with a nice, fluffy green dragon? Nothing. Just happiness and glee. My opinion, so far, of Dr. Robinson is: he is a man who has dealt with 100's of cases of depressed, angry, sad homosexual men of the church who want to change. If that is their goal, then seeing Jeffery was a good thing for them. Since I don't want to change, I am not going to treat Dr. Robinson as a "mouthpiece" for the church. He is not my bishop, he is not my father, he is not the prophet. He is just a man with personal opinions and I can choose to believe which of those opinions will help me in my life to become a better person.
We talked about happiness. I told him that I love to be happy and that I want to help other people in the world to be happy. He told me that happiness is very indirect and hard to pinpoint for each person. This discussion of happiness was the best part of the meeting. What makes me happy doesn't make you happy. If living a life of celibacy will make someone happy, then by all means, do that. If staying in the church your whole life and getting married to a woman will make you happy, then do it. If getting a boyfriend will make you the happiest, then do it. I believe that people have the right to choose what they want to do with their life, and Jeff told me that he will never try to "guilt me into changing". I have no other choice to believe him. He will be innocent in my eyes until proven guilty (if that ever happens).
All in all, this preliminary meeting with Dr. Jeffery Robinson was a good experience. It was a positive one. He did not tell me to change. He did not tell me I was wrong. He flat out told me that if I wanted to leave his office and never come back, I could do that. He told me that he would never force me to believe what he believes, or believe what the church believes. I have to trust that.
So, I have another appointment with him set up on October 7th. We will see what will happen this next time. I am hopeful that these meetings will help me become a better person, but I do not think that they will change me.
I know who I am, and no one can change that.
P.S. (I'm not paying for this).
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Change?
I cried myself to sleep last night.
I just got out of a surprise interview with the infamous, Bishop L. He is an amazing bishop. A good man. An honest man. However, when he told me that he felt as if it would be beneficial to see a church counselor, my heart broke.
I have heard so many horror stories about men who are gay, struggle with SSA, who are different, go to these counselors and leave more scarred than they were before. I am horrified. I told him that I would go at least once. He actually has no idea how scared I am...unless he's reading this right now (oh, the powers of a google search).
I cried because I don't want to change. I like who I am, and I think...no, I know, that there is nothing wrong with me. I don't want to get married to a woman. I don't want that. Is that wrong of me to not want an eternal family? I don't think so...at least, not with my circumstances.
He was, however, impressed with my monk-like attributes. I am virgin everything. I haven't kissed anyone. I haven't held hands with anyone. I haven't done anything wrong, and he was extremely impressed. It is quite a feat if you think about it. I am now 23 years old...and I am completely a virgin. And because of those monk-like attributes, he thinks that since because I haven't done anything, I could learn how to capture these attractions and eventually not act out on them. Of course I could physically do that, but mentally and emotionally? Needed to connect with a man on a very intimate level is something that I need. I cannot go through my entire life without that close connection.
I was extremely angry and frustrated. I hadn't cried that hard since my mother had an extremely close call with death. I sobbed. My pillow was wet with my tears. I dreamed of holding hands and kissing a man. It was wonderful.
I love who I am. I don't want to change.
...I need a hug...
I just got out of a surprise interview with the infamous, Bishop L. He is an amazing bishop. A good man. An honest man. However, when he told me that he felt as if it would be beneficial to see a church counselor, my heart broke.
I have heard so many horror stories about men who are gay, struggle with SSA, who are different, go to these counselors and leave more scarred than they were before. I am horrified. I told him that I would go at least once. He actually has no idea how scared I am...unless he's reading this right now (oh, the powers of a google search).
I cried because I don't want to change. I like who I am, and I think...no, I know, that there is nothing wrong with me. I don't want to get married to a woman. I don't want that. Is that wrong of me to not want an eternal family? I don't think so...at least, not with my circumstances.
He was, however, impressed with my monk-like attributes. I am virgin everything. I haven't kissed anyone. I haven't held hands with anyone. I haven't done anything wrong, and he was extremely impressed. It is quite a feat if you think about it. I am now 23 years old...and I am completely a virgin. And because of those monk-like attributes, he thinks that since because I haven't done anything, I could learn how to capture these attractions and eventually not act out on them. Of course I could physically do that, but mentally and emotionally? Needed to connect with a man on a very intimate level is something that I need. I cannot go through my entire life without that close connection.
I was extremely angry and frustrated. I hadn't cried that hard since my mother had an extremely close call with death. I sobbed. My pillow was wet with my tears. I dreamed of holding hands and kissing a man. It was wonderful.
I love who I am. I don't want to change.
...I need a hug...
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I Hate Boys
One day, I am sure that I will like them.
But for the next ten minutes, I refuse.
Why are they so hard to understand and deal with? Why can't I have one for my own? Why can't I just find some guy to be happy with?
I feel as if I put too much effort on my part. I get ready for a while. I wear my best clothes, I wear my best cologne. I do my hair and it looks damn good. Yet you don't notice me.
Is this all I have to look forward to? A life of always striving and trying my best and never attaining happiness? Am I damned to live a life of sorrow and loneliness?
Boys suck. And I don't mean that in a good way.
But for the next ten minutes, I refuse.
Why are they so hard to understand and deal with? Why can't I have one for my own? Why can't I just find some guy to be happy with?
I feel as if I put too much effort on my part. I get ready for a while. I wear my best clothes, I wear my best cologne. I do my hair and it looks damn good. Yet you don't notice me.
Is this all I have to look forward to? A life of always striving and trying my best and never attaining happiness? Am I damned to live a life of sorrow and loneliness?
Boys suck. And I don't mean that in a good way.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Nasty Me
I eat too much. It's true. And it's stupid and annoying and frustrating. I am trying to kick the habit of cursed refined sugar and carbohydrates, but its proving too difficult!
I wake up in the morning, each day, determined to change my ways. I am determined to eat healthier. And, as the day progresses, it gets harder and harder. Some days I can avoid sugar and carbs like no other. Other days, however, it just seems like I screw it all up again.
I want to lose weight. And a lot of it.
It interests me that fact that many gay men have body issues. Maybe it's the fact that I am so young and still have not truly accepted my body. I just want a better body. And I truly honestly feel that if I do not have a leaner body, and skinnier body that my chance of getting a boyfriend will never come into fruition.
Is this true? Should I just give up the healthy fight? I feel as if I am come so far already down the slope of crappy eating, that I won't be able to come out of it again.
Help!
I wake up in the morning, each day, determined to change my ways. I am determined to eat healthier. And, as the day progresses, it gets harder and harder. Some days I can avoid sugar and carbs like no other. Other days, however, it just seems like I screw it all up again.
I want to lose weight. And a lot of it.
It interests me that fact that many gay men have body issues. Maybe it's the fact that I am so young and still have not truly accepted my body. I just want a better body. And I truly honestly feel that if I do not have a leaner body, and skinnier body that my chance of getting a boyfriend will never come into fruition.
Is this true? Should I just give up the healthy fight? I feel as if I am come so far already down the slope of crappy eating, that I won't be able to come out of it again.
Help!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
What Moves Me
The sweet sound of talent echoing in the theatre, over and over and over again. The strength of chord progression and key changes. The edge of hard rock and metal. The simplistic beauty of Celtic and New Age. The grinding of dissonance. The purity of classical. The emotion of Broadway.
Music moves me. There is not a day that goes by when my life is not affected by music. I let it fill my ears and I am transported to somewhere else. I feel the Spirit of God enter my heart and I want to shout praises unto Him. I feel closer to my Savior and to the world through music. I feel alive. I feel right. I feel happy.
I cannot express in writing the beauty that comes from music. I can only write my witness that I know it can change lives. Music is what has brought cultures, people,and society together for years. It has helped bridge the language barrier. It has helped move people to do good.
Music can silence the cries of a young child; it can bring joy and happiness to a party. It can break your heart and tear at your soul; it can soothe and comfort you.
I love music. I love to sing. I'm not trying to sound prideful, but I can sing, and I know it. Any opportunity that I get to perform, I do it. There hasn't passed one semester since returning home from my mission when I haven't been in a show. This is my first semester without performing.
One reason why I am doing film is because I think it is more practical. Is it? Do I enjoy it as much as I do music? What I love is the two put together: film and music is what I love. If I knew more about music, I would write music scores. I would perform in my own movies. I would...create musicals that told stories of real people in real life with real problems.
Am I achieving my goals? Am I doing what I love? I didn't make it into the film program the first time. That was a horrible shock to me. I cried for hours. I'm not gonna lie. I am applying again, and this time I think that my chances are better. I have an awesome script and I have started work on writing my papers already.
I want to help others feel what I feel when it comes to music and film. I want them to be as happy as I am when I watch or hear a new song or see a new movie. I want them to be happy...is that too much to ask?
Music moves me. There is not a day that goes by when my life is not affected by music. I let it fill my ears and I am transported to somewhere else. I feel the Spirit of God enter my heart and I want to shout praises unto Him. I feel closer to my Savior and to the world through music. I feel alive. I feel right. I feel happy.
I cannot express in writing the beauty that comes from music. I can only write my witness that I know it can change lives. Music is what has brought cultures, people,and society together for years. It has helped bridge the language barrier. It has helped move people to do good.
Music can silence the cries of a young child; it can bring joy and happiness to a party. It can break your heart and tear at your soul; it can soothe and comfort you.
I love music. I love to sing. I'm not trying to sound prideful, but I can sing, and I know it. Any opportunity that I get to perform, I do it. There hasn't passed one semester since returning home from my mission when I haven't been in a show. This is my first semester without performing.
One reason why I am doing film is because I think it is more practical. Is it? Do I enjoy it as much as I do music? What I love is the two put together: film and music is what I love. If I knew more about music, I would write music scores. I would perform in my own movies. I would...create musicals that told stories of real people in real life with real problems.
Am I achieving my goals? Am I doing what I love? I didn't make it into the film program the first time. That was a horrible shock to me. I cried for hours. I'm not gonna lie. I am applying again, and this time I think that my chances are better. I have an awesome script and I have started work on writing my papers already.
I want to help others feel what I feel when it comes to music and film. I want them to be as happy as I am when I watch or hear a new song or see a new movie. I want them to be happy...is that too much to ask?
Monday, September 7, 2009
A Talk With my Father
Last week, I called my family just to catch up with what they were doing. I talked with my little brothers and my little sister. My mom was cooking dinner or something and I didn't have time to talk with her. I decided to talk with my dad. Who would have known that 2 1/2 hours later, the conversation with my dad would have ended?
Most of you can guess that we talked about homosexuality and the fact that I am gay. We spoke of many things. But one thing that my dad kept bringing up was sacrifice. He told me that being gay would be a sacrifice that I would have to live without. He said that being gay was utterly and completely selfish. He said that in order for me to progress in this life and the next was to have a family with a woman, and sacrifice pleasure (sex) in order to be saved.
He also said that being gay was selfish because it meant that I wouldn't be sacrificing enough to have children of my own. I want kids. Really bad. But I know that there are other options to having a family.
I know that sex is sex. I can have sex with a woman. I know I could. Would I enjoy it? No. Would I fantasize about another man? Probably. That is a sure fire way that I could at least, pretend to enjoy it.
I just don't understand why he thinks homosexuality is so wrong.
We talked about the church and God. I told him that I couldn't believe that God would create me in such a way that I would be alone for the rest of my life. We are on this earth to be happy. How can I be happy if I am alone my whole life? How can I be happy living with someone I don't love?
Anyway...this post isn't making much sense. But...I love you all!
Most of you can guess that we talked about homosexuality and the fact that I am gay. We spoke of many things. But one thing that my dad kept bringing up was sacrifice. He told me that being gay would be a sacrifice that I would have to live without. He said that being gay was utterly and completely selfish. He said that in order for me to progress in this life and the next was to have a family with a woman, and sacrifice pleasure (sex) in order to be saved.
He also said that being gay was selfish because it meant that I wouldn't be sacrificing enough to have children of my own. I want kids. Really bad. But I know that there are other options to having a family.
I know that sex is sex. I can have sex with a woman. I know I could. Would I enjoy it? No. Would I fantasize about another man? Probably. That is a sure fire way that I could at least, pretend to enjoy it.
I just don't understand why he thinks homosexuality is so wrong.
We talked about the church and God. I told him that I couldn't believe that God would create me in such a way that I would be alone for the rest of my life. We are on this earth to be happy. How can I be happy if I am alone my whole life? How can I be happy living with someone I don't love?
Anyway...this post isn't making much sense. But...I love you all!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Random Things
God is my Father in Heaven who loves and supports me.
Jesus is the Christ who atoned for my sins and through Him I can repent and live again.
Families are eternal.
The Book of Mormon is the word of God.
Joseph Smith was a true prophet and received revelation.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of God on the Earth today.
Men and women, bond and free, black and white, straight and gay; all are the same in God's eyes.
Being gay is not a choice.
God does not hate me for being gay.
Cuddling is the way to my heart.
Sex is not all that there is to a relationship, even though it plays a big role.
I am a romantic. Make me dinner and finish with a desert of cuddling on the couch and you've got me hooked to you.
Will I burn in Hell for being gay?
Am I doing wrong? Am I deceived by the world? Is being gay really a sin?
Why am I president of the VL (Virgin Lips) club?
Jesus is the Christ who atoned for my sins and through Him I can repent and live again.
Families are eternal.
The Book of Mormon is the word of God.
Joseph Smith was a true prophet and received revelation.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of God on the Earth today.
Men and women, bond and free, black and white, straight and gay; all are the same in God's eyes.
Being gay is not a choice.
God does not hate me for being gay.
Cuddling is the way to my heart.
Sex is not all that there is to a relationship, even though it plays a big role.
I am a romantic. Make me dinner and finish with a desert of cuddling on the couch and you've got me hooked to you.
Will I burn in Hell for being gay?
Am I doing wrong? Am I deceived by the world? Is being gay really a sin?
Why am I president of the VL (Virgin Lips) club?
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