The Old Days and the Love of Christ

I try to never speak “ill of the Lord’s anointed”. I try to keep my tongue held and my comments to myself. But, when it comes to Spencer W. Kimball and homosexuality, I can’t stay quiet.

I recently stumbled upon an article about Steven Fales, an apparently open gay ex-mormon who served his mission in Portugal (strangely the same place I served). I then Wikipedia searched for him and found an article about Homosexuality and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While there, I found an old pamphlet entitled, “New Horizons for Homosexuals”.



This pamphlet has been scanned from the original document onto the Internet. I read it and was sort of appalled. There is some very interesting and uplifting council written here. There are kind and loving words coming from a Prophet of God.

But…there are some…not so kind words as well.

Repeatedly, Spencer W. Kimball uses the words “perversion”, “sick”, “wrong”, “that way”, “NOT from God”. On this page, right under the heading It is Curable, Kimball makes a reference to homosexuality as an octopus. He then says, “…the sin is curable and you may totally recover from its tentacles” (New Horizons 10).



Curable? Really? With what kind of treatment?

Homosexuality in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has changed for the better. In the new pamphlet called, “God Loveth His Children”, we read: “[many people] overcome same-gender attraction in mortality; others may not be free of this challenge in this life” (God Loveth His Children 4).

These two statements, one from the 1970s and the other from our day and age completely contrast each other. Kimball states that we can be free from homosexuality. Other prophets and apostles of our day say that we may be not free from this challenge. What is going on here? Does this mean that the Church is no longer…gasp…true?

I beg to differ. What we see here is proof of a living Church. We know that the world is changing. People are changing. Time is changing. The Church cannot stand idly by and let hundreds of thousands of its members feel like horrible sinners by not changing their stance on homosexuality.

The reason I talk about this is because one of my new friends told her parents that I was gay. I am told the conversation went like this:

“Yeah, my friend Andy is gay.”
“Did he serve a mission?”
“I think so. He went to Portugal.”
“Really? That just doesn’t happen. A gay missionary?”
“But…times are different now.”
“No…they’re not.”

In response to that…times are different now. We cannot be the Anita Bryants of the world anymore. We cannot be the Spencer W. Kimballs of the Church anymore. “Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant” (God Loveth His Children 9 emphasis added). We have to show our love to everyone and especially to those who feel like they are not loved, for they are.

What needs to happen? We need to help members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints realize that we exist. We have to help them understand that we are not sick. We need them to know that we really are born “that way”; that this is something God given.

We need to help them become like Jesus Christ, for He is no bigot. I am 100% sure that if I were to have a boyfriend and walk over to Jesus Christ, He would hug us both and say how much He loved us. He would not turn his back on us. He would not close his doors to us. He would love us.

If members of this Church are striving to become like Jesus…than they need to BECOME LIKE JESUS. They need to throw off this sham of being the “perfect Mormon”. They need to realize that they are not going to be saved in the worlds to come if they cannot truly become as He is. Why can’t stupid, bigoted “Utard” members of the Church get this through their thick skulls? Jesus loves everyone!

Why can’t you?

What's Virgin Mean?

This is a cute little short I stumbled upon today. It's great.

A Talk with Bishop L.

I haven't been to the temple in about 6 months. So, my new friends and I decided to go yesterday. It was a beautiful experience. I missed the wonderful sense of peace and serenity. I missed the longing to be back home with my Heavenly Father. I missed the beauty of the Celestial Room. I missed knowing that I am child of God.

It was a great moment and I am so glad that I had friends worthy enough to go with me. Thanks Tim and Doug!

I think the temple experience helped prepare me for the talk I had with my bishop this morning.

I am having some serious financial issues. I lost my job and car and I am now just trying to stand up by myself again. This was the initial reason why I went to go talk to the bishop. I woke up early this morning and got ready. I arrived precisely on time and went into his office. We spoke of my finances and my plans that I have to get everything in working order again.

My loving bishop then asked me how I was doing spiritually.
"Fine." I said, not really wanting to open up.
My bishop just kind of looked at me like he knew there was something else.
"Well, actually," I said, looking at the table, "There is one thing. I struggle with same-sex attraction...I'm gay."
The bishop looked at me and didn't say anything.
"Which, I'm sure you deal with a lot here. I mean, come on, it's BYU and there's A TON of us here."
"You're right, there are."
We then talked about my attraction and if it was affecting me during this show, you know, with all the costume changes and what not. I told him that that wasn't really the issue. I've been in shows where guys are completely naked backstage and I wasn't affected...did I sneak a peek? Hmmm...yes. But, who doesn't?
"Andy, you might be surprised about how tolerant I am."
"Really? I mean, I don't know you that well...so I just assumed that you...would be...you know...in Provo there's just such a bubble..."
"Have you ever done anything?"
I told him that I was president of the Virgin Lips club.
He paused and said, "I admire you. I really do. I admire your...strength. I mean, you've struggled with this your entire life and you've never done...anything! Wow. I...really admire that."
"Now Bishop," I said, "That doesn't mean that I don't want to. If I could have a boyfriend I would. If I had the opportunity to kiss a boy, I would."
"That's understandable."
We then talked about, strangely enough, masturbation. I told him I do it. He asked me how often and I said, "Often."
"That's great, Andy! It's good to have a release for all those hormones, isn't it?"
I was flabbergasted! A Bishop telling me it's okay to masturbate?! Really? I mean, WHO is this man? And why is he so awesome?
He then asked me what my plans were with my future.
"Do you mean, like...dating a girl? Getting married?"
"Yes."
"Well, I mean...if the chance arose...maybe...but I'm just not physically attracted to women. I want to be with men. In all actuality, the hardest part about being gay is...being alone."

I told him of an experience a week back when all my friends were talking about their first kiss or relationship stuff and blah blah blah. I didn't let them know how hard that was for me. It was painful, really emotionally painful to listen to that conversation, knowing that I could possibly never have that "first kiss" or have that "first boyfriend". That night I was almost brought to tears...although I would never let my friends know that...(great...now you know)

"Being alone sucks." I said, looking at him in the face.
"It does, Andy. It really does." He paused for a moment. "But...I think that this 'challenge' or whatever you want to call it, comes from God. It is who you are. You are this way for a reason. I don't know the answers to everything, but I do know this: God loves you. Your Heavenly Father loves and cares for you and He understands you. You can talk to Him on a personal level and you don't need to hold anything from Him."
"You're right," I stated, "I don't."
Then, I hesitated and said, "Have you ever seen MILK?"
"No, but I want to."
"Well, it's a really great movie about the assassination of Harvey Milk. But the point is...how old are you bishop?"
"51."
"So you know who Anita Bryant is?"
"Yes," he said, "I remember the days of Anita Bryant very well."
"Well, I feel as if Utah is a big Anita Bryant. I feel as if the church is a big Anita Bryant. I feel as if the Miracle of Forgiveness is a big Anita Bryant. Some people are so intolerant."
"They are. But not me and not your Heavenly Father."
"I know."
He looked at me again. "I so admire you. I am so glad that you moved into our ward. You are a great guy. A really great guy."
"Thanks?"
"Well, is there anything else you need?"
We then decided it was time to end our little conversation and we ended with a prayer. We both knelt down and Bishop L. offered it.
He prayed that I would get back on my feet financially. He prayed that the show would go well. He didn't even mention ANYTHING "bad" about my being gay! In the prayer he just asked that we could strive to be better people and become more like Jesus Christ.
The prayer ended and we got up from the ground.
"Can I get a hug?" He asked.
"Of course!" I said while giving him a massive hug. "I am a hugging freak. Just you wait!"

I left his office and exited the building. The morning sun was just peaking its head over the Y mountain. The grass never looked greener; the air never fresher. It was as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. In the interview, my bishop let me know that if I ever just wanted to talk to him about anything in particular that we could go for a walk up the canyon. I would so love to do that.

I know that my bishop received words from God today. This conversation was one that I have been waiting to hear for a very long time. It was the conversation of true acceptance from one of the Lord's anointed. I loved every second of it. It helped me realize how blessed I am to be a member of this church. It helped me understand that I am not sick; that I am not wrong. It helped me know that life is worth living and being the person that God meant for me to become.

It was a great moment and I am so glad that I went. I am glad that the world is changing. I am glad that the church is changing. I am glad that for me, being a gay member of the church is something that is not hard to do. I know that it is hard for many of my brothers and sisters out there. But if there is anyone who is struggling with coming to terms with their homosexuality, please...do so. Go to God in prayer. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't disapprove of you. He loves you, and that is what matters.

I grew so much as a person and son of God this morning. You know how there are defining moments in your life when you talk with someone and you suddenly realize that you will never be the same after talking with that person? Well...this was one of those moments.

God bless Bishop L.

Too Much?

I'm beginning to think the dream that I had was too much for this blog...

The Dreamer

That's me. I dream a lot. At last night, I had a crazy dream!

It was one of the strangest dreams I had ever had. I was with all my friends who are in the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat cast. We were at some, cottage-type thing in the woods. One of my friends, we shall call her, Mary...decided she wanted to sleep with me. Or I decided I wanted to sleep with her. I think I called it a, "social experiment".

Then, the two of us proceeded to...ahem...you know...together in the bed. And then, one of my guy friends from the cast comes up to us, and says, "Um...you guys shouldn't do that." I say, "But its a social experiment, I just want to know what it's like!" He then left, leaving me and Mary to do our thing.

But...it gets stranger...I feel so weird and almost embarrassed for saying this...she takes off her pants and lo and behold...she doesn't have what it takes to be a woman, if you know what I mean. Instead of womanhood, she has manhood and it was starting at me in the face!

And then I woke up in a cold sweat, almost sick to my stomach.

I have NO IDEA what that dream means! I am so confused and...mind boggled. Basically, I am just uber froggled and wanted to share this experience with somebody.

And that's about it.

How I Feel About Certain Things

A lot of people who know me know that I still believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in its teachings, doctrines, and culture...for the most part. Many of my friends can't see how I can want to live one way, and yet still be a member of the church. They will ask me, "So, Andy. You're gay, but not acting on those desires...so you can still be a member. But what happens when you want to act on those desires? What happens when you get a boyfriend?"

Honestly, I can't answer those questions. I haven't got to the point in my life when I can say that I have a boyfriend. I am trying to find one...but to no avail. It seems that in every opportunity that I get to have a boyfriend, something happens to...dissuade me...or distract me from pursuing him. BUT, me having a boyfriend would not keep ME out of the Church.

Personally, I believe that if I were to get a boyfriend and hold hands with him and kiss him, that is no grounds for me to be expelled from the Church. If straight people can do it, why can't I do it? What's the difference? I can't see any, really.

This is why, as of right now, I can still say that I am a devout member of the Church. I go every Sunday, I actually have a talk this Sunday...crap....

There are, however, some things that I don't agree with. There are things that I believe the Church will eventually have to change. It is a living Church. The gospel principles will never change, but other things may have to change.

For me, this is the right religion. For me, this is where I want to be right now. I am having a hard time with life and the Church, but I know that as I continue to do what is right, I can become a better person and draw nearer to my Heavenly Father and the Savior. If I were to ever be excommunicated, I would still go to Church. The Church is not the source of many problems that I have. I understand that the Church, as an institution, is not perfect. It has its faults. And I am okay with that.

I do not blame the Church for anything. I do not blame God. Rather, I THANK God for giving me the blessing of having this "trial" in my life. I have grown closer to Him through this. I love being gay.

It is who I am and it is who I will continue to be throughout time and all eternity.

Boobs

So...I stumbled upon this video today and I thought it was really funny. I don't know why. Maybe those who read this blog will be ashamed of me, because...really...what kind of gay man posts something about boobs? Obviously, I do. Enjoy the wonderful boobage...because it's probably the closest we'll ever get to them...

How I Came Out

I wanted to take this time to talk about my coming out process. I believe that one way to help others come to terms with their sexuality is by letting them know how you did it.

So, here goes:

When I was seventeen years old, I was watching a PBS Documentary about LDS Missionaries with my mom and dad. I knew that I was gay, or at least...struggling with some part of my life that I did not understand. My mom made a comment, "Wow. I can't wait until Andy serves a mission."

I felt like I was going to be sick. You see, when I was that young, I didn't know that there were other members of the church who were gay. I thought that I was the only one who was gay and the only one who wanted to still be a member of the church. I thought that a mission was going to be impossible.

So, I left the couch and went into my room and wrote my mom a letter how I was gay. I even told her that if she didn't want me anymore, I could go and live with my best friend and her lesbian parents.

However, my mom did not kick me out. She loved me even more. Same with my dad. They loved me and wanted to help me. My dad came and talked to me in my room and told me all these gospel principles and blah blah blah. I don't remember most of the conversation other than I felt like shiz during the whole time my dad was talking.

After that, I decided to pretend like it was a phase I was going through. Whenever they asked me about it, I refused my attraction to other men. When they asked if I had a crush on any of my best friends, I denied it. I didn't want them to worry about me. I didn't want them to think that I was "different".

But, after some eye opening experiences at a Young Ambassadors Singing Entertainers Workshop at BYU, I allowed myself to open up once again to my parents...well...just my mom. It wasn't such a big deal. But I was still confused and worried and...just...flabbergasted that God would give me homosexuality. There had to be a reason, right?

Then, I decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was called to serve in the Portugal, Lisbon mission. I loved every second of it. It was the best two years of my life, and the worst two years of my life. I grew into a man, and someone much more comfortable with being gay than my 17 year old self.

I realized that God makes people differently. I realized that God wanted me to be happy. I realized that I was not sick or wrong. I realized that God loved me no matter what I did. I came out to many companions and even to my mission president. After two years was over, I came home, serving an honorable mission.

I then began my studies here at BYU. It has been strange, but in every apartment/house that I have lived in so far, there as always been at least one gay roommate other than myself. It has been wonderful to know that I am not alone anymore in this world. It makes me feel great to know that I am just a normal college student trying to find out what he wants to do with his life. Have a been on a date with a boy? No. Have I kissed a boy? No. Do I want to? Hells yes.

Being gay is just a side note. It doesn't define who I am as person.

The coming out process for me has been, in all honesty, an easy experience. God has blessed me with wonderful parents, siblings, and friends that have all accepted me for who I am. Now, do they agree with my chosen lifestyle? I have no idea. I don't care if they care who I date. All I care about is if they still love me. And I know that they do.

It is possible to come out of the closet. It is possible to become a better person. Once you come out of the closet, you no longer have to worry. You can be free from the weight that has been cast on your shoulders. If you haven't come out, now is the time. Let everyone know. They deserve it.

And more importantly...YOU deserve it.

I Hate Feeling Like This!

I feel like God is never going to let me have a boyfriend.

Every time there is a small opportunity in which I could have a chance at another guy...something happens to prevent it. I don't want to blame myself, or my body image, or who I am...so I just blame God. Because...sometimes...deep down inside...I still feel like a sinner.

There's this boy who I really like. He's really cute and funny. I want to spend time with him. I want to be around him. I want to cuddle with him. He is another cast member in a show that I am in and...at the time we started to get to know one another, I was filling in for another cast member who was currently in another show. Well, that other cast member came back, and therefore, I am no longer in the same scenes as Mr. Cutey-pants.

Also, I had a heated discussion with my director about stuff today. That didn't make me feel any better.

So, now...I won't get to see this guy that I have a crush on anymore. Sure, during performances, but that's about it. I feel as if this is happening because God doesn't want me to "screw up" or "act out" on my feelings. But, I feel more sad and alone right now...then when I am around my crush. When I am with him, I am happy.

How can something so wrong, feel so right? (Wow. That wasn't cliche at all!)

And...that's about it. I just want to be happy...er.