Age of Accountability?

Here's something that might intrigue you:

As I was speaking to one of my most beloved gay friends, Juka, he mentioned something that I had never thought of before.

We were just speaking of the church and its current stance on homosexuality. We also discussed how the church has slowly been opening itself up to the gay world and coming out of its own closet. We spoke for about an hour of many things: food, Portugal, and our secret love affair that we both wanted to have with each other but we didn't tell each other because we were both to afraid to admit that we liked each other...

Anyway, Juka reminded me of the doctrine that the church holds of accountability. Basically, as most of us know, the church believes that the Satan has no power over little children, until they become of age, or rather, 8 years old. Okay. We have that cleared up.

Now, for those people who believe that homosexuality is a sin, and NOT God-given, but something of the Devil, how the Hell do you explain to me that I was attracted to men at the earliest, age 5? Satan, according to the LDS church does not have power over children, but how then, was I attracted to men, if being gay is of the devil?

The answer is: it's not of the devil. I am the person who God created. Which means, God created me to be attracted to other men. Wow. When I see that on writing, it seems like a punch in the face to the church. That's not what I intend. My sole purpose is just to let people know that I believe that homosexuality is not a curse, it's not a trial, it's not "the test that we have to overcome" in this life. It's part of us. It's part of our soul.

We are taught that when we die, our spirit will go the Spirit World. We will be the same person that we were on this Earth. We will be attracted to the same sex as we were on this Earth. Why would God do that? I don't think God purposefully made me attracted to men just to meet me on the other side and say, "Hey, Andy. How's it going? Oh, what? You never got married? Oh, right. You're gay. Sorry, buddy. It's off to Hell for you!"

Okay. Obviously, that's not how it would happen. But sometimes, I feel as if it could happen like that.

Anyway, I guess the purpose of this post is to let everyone know that we are still sons of God and our "unnatural attraction" is natural. It's not of the devil. It comes from our Heavenly Father. We are His children. He loves us. And He wants us to succeed, no matter what way He made us.

What do I Want?

After a series of unfortunate events, I have been forced to resign from my summer job and find a new walk of life. It has made be think of what I am doing with myself right now and what I want in the future. So, what do I really want? I mean, really?

If it wasn't for the whole "being gay" thing, I think my life could be slightly easier. Also, if I wasn't a member of the LDS faith, I think my life would be easier. Like I have stated previously: I love this church. I love this faith. I love knowing that I am a child of God, my Heavenly Father, who loves and cares for me. But, life would be easier if I didn't know. If I didn't know about the joys of eternal marriage, something that might never happen to me, I think I would be a bit more happy with my life. I want things that I know, according to my faith, will not allow.

I want a man who will love and care for me. I want a man to hold me when I cry. I want a man to kiss me softly and tell me he loves me. I want to experience the tingling sensation of a first kiss, or holding hands, or skipping out on school just to hang out with your lover. I really want that. Can I have it?

I want to help others. I want to be a good person. I want to have people like me for me. I want to change peoples lives through the wonderful talents that the Lord God has blessed me with. But at times, I feel as if because I am gay, the Lord takes those opportunities away...or...at least...hinders me from getting them.

Sometimes, I feel because I want a boyfriend, even prayed for one; God takes away his blessings. Is that wrong to think that? Am I even making any sense?

It's no matter. I mean, I guess I have to do the things that I want to do and be who I want to be. I want others to understand that as well. I want to be happy.

I can do it.

In Canada

Well, I am working right now in Canada as a technician for APX Alarm, and let me tell you, I love Toronto! It is such an amazing city, and gay friendly as well. About two blocks from my apartment, there is a gay district which I have frequently walked down. It's interesting to see how different life is from Provo, Utah to the rest of the world. I love it.

However, being a technician is kind of like being on a sports team. All the guys are those "manly men" who, if the word 'gay' is mentioned, they freak out and start making fun of them. Gosh. It's hard.

Like, this morning: There was an awkward silence and someone said, "Gay baby." One of the other techs didn't know what that meant and he asked.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that everytime there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born."
Everyone started to laugh, except for me, of course. It's just hard. I want to come out to them, but then I also don't want to be ostracized and then have no friends. I have to work here until the end of August, and having no friends would suck. But then, on the other hand, having friends who can't accept me for who I am also would suck.

Well...we'll see what'll happen.