This last week, I met up with an old friend, Boskers. Interestingly enough, I was the first gay member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that he met. We are members of an old forum, the LDS-SSA.org message board. We were the youngest members there, and we felt out of touch. So, one Sunday, I left church meetings early and Boskers and I met next to the hill in Brigham Square. I remember we talked about being gay, being members of the Church, and how to be happy and be gay. Back then, I knew Boskers really didn't understand what I was saying. However, when he came over to my house to watch, "The Italian Job" with my fruit fly Holly and I, we talked some more.
Now, Boskers can see how one can be happy and be gay. We then talked about the fence and how we both are sitting on it and one thing can tip is in one direction or the other. Does anyone remember that old MormonAd? It's a photo of a girl, sitting in a chair reclining over the edge of cliff. I think it said, "Don't Live Near the Edge" or something like that. But that's what I feel like. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff, not sure if I am going to fall backward into the unknown depths below, or if I am going to fall forward to the familiar ground that I know too well? Boskers and I came up with no conclusion.
What makes me sad, is that there seems to be no happiness for one who is gay in the Church. Yes, they say that you can serve others and that will bring you happiness...but what about the happiness that comes when you share your entire being with someone else? What about the happiness that comes from waking up next to a man you love, and then...sneaking quietly out of bed to make him breakfast? What about the happiness that comes from snuggling close together to watch a horror film? There is no substitute for that kind of happiness in the Church. If I were to do those things, I would lose my membership in the church. You cannot do "romantic" things with a member of the same sex. You are jeopardizing your eternal salvation. But, if I can't be happy in this life, does that mean the scripture, "Adam fell that men might be that men are that they might have joy" doesn't apply to me? I thought that the Gospel of Christ was universal. This is just one aspect of our conversation that I and Boskers spoke of.
All in all, we came to no specific conclusion.
There is so much grey in this religious world of black and white that it seems almost impossible to add color to it.
But I want to try.
So I've had a theory for the past few years called the "Four Sins of Gaydom". The last one I discovered was Stagnation. It's a sin that I think most LDS gay people commit. The Church asks us to "hold still" for the rest of our lives. We're not supposed to progress. Which is technically (and temporarily) damnation.
ReplyDeleteThey tell us that we should just serve our fellow men. But that's not a replacement for the service and love you give a spouse. It doesn't fill the hole left by not having a loved one. But, you should just hold your position and not move a muscle.
Thanks for that evening. It was nice meeting H. She's a fun gal. And it was nice to just say what's been festering in my mind and be understood. Thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteI WANT TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS!!! I want to meet Holly and Boskers. I want to hang out with you again...but anyway.
ReplyDelete"Men are that they might have joy." I think that that sometimes is a more after resurrection thing. Like people with depression, they don't have "joy" in this life.
But yeah...I have actually been thinking about this topic alot too...for you. I think alot about you and homosexuality in general. I think that there is a load of gray. I have nothing helpful to say to you. As a married woman, I know that there is no other way to feel that "romantic" stuff unless you have someone forever. I think you are so right. I wish that I could tell you that you are right and give you advice for what to do next but...I don't. I got nothing. Keep praying and trying to stay close to the Lord. That is all I've got. I wish I could help you. I love you. You know I love you. Nancy knows I love you (hahaha :) hahahah) Keep writing blogs, I love hearing what is going on in your head.
Also, to hammer dude, what are the other 3 sins of gaydom? You got me interested. I agree with you completely though. It is alot of hurry up and wait which I think is stupid.
Straight, married, depressed. I understand what katrina is saying. there is the possibility of happiness and misery in everyone's station in life. I know a lot of married people who are completely miserable. "Sharing" your life with someone is not the be-all end-all of happiness. I'm sure you know that, but we tend to focus so intently on that which we do not have, and place all possibility inside that, we forget about what we do have. I am faced with the choice to be miserable a good number of days of the week, but I have come to understand exactly how much really is my choice. Clinically depressed, bipolar, whatever they want to call it, it's my choice how I deal with it. There will always be the underlying darkness that threatens to take me in if I let up. Yeah, there's joy, but not in the way we would be led to believe. There's joy in going to bed at night, exhausted from fighting the ill in my mind, but knowing that I made it another day. Joy in the brief moments of respite.
ReplyDeleteI'm rambling, but I invite you to look at the third side of the argument.
Life. Probationary period. You know the drill.