Change is Scary

I am terrified to post this. I feel if I will lose all my friends. I feel as if I will lose the ties that I have gained over the last two years. Please read this post and comment. I do not know why I feel like that, since the post shouldn't make me lose friends. I don't want to annoy people with my constant "whining" and "complaining".

Now, enjoy the following post:

It’s time for a change.

I can no longer live the life that I am leading. I am ready to change. I am ready to become a different person. I am ready to become the man that I want to become. I have tried many many times before, but I have always failed. I need to start anew. I need help.

I just finished watching a TLC special entitled, “The Half Ton Teens Survival”. It was about two young men about the ages of 17-20 who were super morbidly obese. This means that they were both over 550 lbs. Watching that documentary made me feel so sad for those two boys and made me feel…scared that one day that would happen to me.


Granted, I am nowhere near 550 lbs. I am not obese but I am nowhere in my healthy weight range. Weight loss and weight gain has been an epic battle my entire life. Once my parents and I moved to Arizona, I started to gain a lot of weight. I don’t know what triggered it. It could have been a lot of different things. It could have been the miscarriage that my mother had and I could have blamed that on myself. It could have been the fact that I started to realize that I was attracted to other men. It could have just been that I was a little lazy and that I was tired of trying. Who knows? All I know now is that I am tired and that I need to change.

I am scared to change, though. I am scared to start a new life. There have been so many times in my life previous to this that I have failed before, and I am scared of doing it again. I get to a point where I think to myself, “Why even try if you know you are just going to fail again?” I think to myself and say, “Professional dieticians all say that diets just don’t work. You need to eat food.” I know how my body works and I know that if I want to lose some serious weight, I need to cut back. And I need to cut back a lot.

I was once about 5’11” my eighth grade year in junior high and I was about 260 lbs. I was one fat kid. People made fun of me constantly. I was called the “oompa loompa” and “fatty” and “chubby buns”. Kids are mean. But, I had one teacher, Chaz Dewitt who helped me realize that I had potential inside of me. He helped me understand that if I wanted to change, the only person that could do that was myself. I couldn’t lean on other people to make me change. I had to do it myself.

Which is why I need to change again.

I currently weigh about 255 lbs, although I am 6’4” and I have been hitting the gym almost every day for the last two years. Even though I have a membership to a gym and I go almost every day, that does not account for the horrible diet that I have had. I figured it out and I have gained about 1.25 lbs each month for the last 2 years since coming home from my mission. I was a stick. I was about 200 lbs, an ideal and perfect weight for me.

I want to look like the guys you see in the fitness magazines. I want to look like Brad Pitt. I want to look hot and sexy. I also want to be healthy, but honestly…I want to look better. I want to look sexier. I want to attract people. I know that this sounds wrong, but I know I would have a better dating life if I were to be healthier and more attractive. People do not want to date other people who are fat, or who have that option of becoming fat later in life. I do not want to date someone that is fat. I want to date someone that is fit and who is healthy. How can I date someone like that if I, myself, am not like that?

I know this is a weird time to start an extensive exercise and diet program, but I have let myself go too far. My mind is telling me to wait after Christmas. I cannot wait that long. I will just gain more weight. I know my weaknesses. I know my cravings. I know that if I do not start now, I could easily gain 15 lbs over this next month…and that is scary.

The more I am writing the more I am scaring myself. Maybe I need to see a counselor about this. I am an emotional eater. I am also programmed to eat food. I know that junk food and food that tastes good has been scientifically altered with preservatives to have the exact right amounts of fat, sugar, and salt. I am addicted to food. Food is my own personal brand of heroine and if I do not stop now, I fear I will not be able to.

I guess the purpose of this post is not to gain pity remarks from the faithful followers of my blog, but it is to receive the support that I need. Honestly, I have some friends who do not support me in these goals. Some of those friends are overweight and they drag me down. They take me out to dinner. They make me want to go out to a buffet. And I have a hard time saying no, because I know how good that food will make me feel. I know that I will be happy for about 1 hour until that ecstasy diminishes and I will be back to where I am.

In terms of spirituality and religion, I know that I am treating my body in a way that is not fit in the Lord’s eyes. I know that I am not obeying the Word of Wisdom. All the junk food that I am eating is like vomiting on the steps of the House of the Lord and refusing to clean it up. I know it’s a harsh example, but a true one. My body is my temple and I am vandalizing it. I am throwing away a perfect opportunity to treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.

I also need to lose weight to make it in the entertainment and business world. No one likes to hire fat people. No one wants to cast a fat person as the lead character. No one will hire a fat person to be the leader of a new business. Being healthy is the best and sometimes the only commodity an entertainer has. You cannot be overweight and fat and expect to succeed in the entertainment and business world. People try to tell me that that is not so, “just look at Oprah, just look at Queen Latifah, just look Jason Alexander”…well…no offense, Oprah and Queen Latifah are both black (a fat black woman is a normal stereotype accepted by people and almost expected) and Jason Alexander does not get any other roles other than the fat friend or the butler. You cannot be fat and expect to succeed. It is sad, but it is true and it will not happen.

I am beginning a new chapter of my life. I am beginning something new and exciting and something that will be terrifying and extremely difficult for me. I ask you to help me on this exciting journey. I ask for your support and your prayers. I ask for your kindness and your patience. I ask to be bothered and to be asked how I am doing with my goals. I ask to be annoyed by your constant pressuring me to do better. I am asking you to email me, text me, call me…whatever…just help me keep on track.


I know that the only person who can change me is me…but a little help would be nice. Sorry that this post is so long. I do not think that I have ever posted anything quite this long. I hope that some of you have actually read it and not just skimmed over the paragraph headings and got to this paragraph and expect to give me words of advice. I am serious about changing my life.

I love you all dearly. I know I can change. I will change.