Two weeks after getting home from serving a mission, I found myself in a car with Ty Mansfield heading toward the Matis's home for a fireside. This was the first time in my life where I was in a car with another gay man. It scared me, it thrilled me. When we pulled up to the Matis's home, my stomach did a flip. I had never seen so many men and a few woman who were gay and members of the church. I had grown up thinking that I was the only one! I had a good experience, but now, almost 2 years later...I have never returned.
I keep asking myself, why? What stops me from going to those meetings? Don't I want to find more friends who are gay and good people? I used to think the reason why I stopped going is because many gay men take the Matiside as an opportunity to find new friends and to maybe...just maybe...hook up with those friends. It happens all the time.
The reason why I write about this is because Boskers, another UTMOHO blogger seems to have great experiences there and he goes often. I feel as if I can't go. I feel as if...honesty. Let's be honest here.
I want a boyfriend. It would be cool if I found one at a Matiside. But, I feel as if I won't ever get a boyfriend because...dammit...it all comes down to my body image and self respect. I don't think I am attractive enough to get a boyfriend. I am little overweight and...because of my low self esteem, it is stopping me from making new friends and being who I am.
It feels good to be honest.
Any suggestions?
I know exactly what you mean. My esteem is so far down the crapper on top of all the rest of it makes it seem like an insurmountable weight to even better one's self. I guess living in UT has both a blessing and a curse attached to it. For those of us outside the Mormon dome finding that "ideal guy" which has standards is all but impossible. Those that make that choice to find a UTMOHO are a little more blessed than those of us outside.
ReplyDeleteOk, so I am origionally from UT and am UTMOHO, I am in vegas now and the guys here suck to be honest. There are a few good friends but none that would be BF material. UT has a great deal of many guys. I met a wonderful guy at Scott and Sarah's monthly moho party and we are still great friends. So there is hope. don't give up just take the ambition to go and mingle see what happens. Even if you don't find someone there you will have a good time.
ReplyDeleteI see nothing wrong with going to moho firesides or parties to meet people and make new friends. I'd love to find a LTR there too, but that's not going to come without making friends first. Self esteem is always going to be an issue...i'm not getting any younger...but I'll be friends with anyone, and that's the attitude I go with.
ReplyDelete