I cried myself to sleep last night.
I just got out of a surprise interview with the infamous, Bishop L. He is an amazing bishop. A good man. An honest man. However, when he told me that he felt as if it would be beneficial to see a church counselor, my heart broke.
I have heard so many horror stories about men who are gay, struggle with SSA, who are different, go to these counselors and leave more scarred than they were before. I am horrified. I told him that I would go at least once. He actually has no idea how scared I am...unless he's reading this right now (oh, the powers of a google search).
I cried because I don't want to change. I like who I am, and I think...no, I know, that there is nothing wrong with me. I don't want to get married to a woman. I don't want that. Is that wrong of me to not want an eternal family? I don't think so...at least, not with my circumstances.
He was, however, impressed with my monk-like attributes. I am virgin everything. I haven't kissed anyone. I haven't held hands with anyone. I haven't done anything wrong, and he was extremely impressed. It is quite a feat if you think about it. I am now 23 years old...and I am completely a virgin. And because of those monk-like attributes, he thinks that since because I haven't done anything, I could learn how to capture these attractions and eventually not act out on them. Of course I could physically do that, but mentally and emotionally? Needed to connect with a man on a very intimate level is something that I need. I cannot go through my entire life without that close connection.
I was extremely angry and frustrated. I hadn't cried that hard since my mother had an extremely close call with death. I sobbed. My pillow was wet with my tears. I dreamed of holding hands and kissing a man. It was wonderful.
I love who I am. I don't want to change.
...I need a hug...
[HUG]
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I didn't get married until a month before my 24th birthday - before that I was virgin everything. Well, I guess we did hold hands, but when we kissed in the temple - that was only the second time we had kissed.
I share your concern regarding LDS Social Services. It just seems like I already know what they're going to say - so, what's the point?
But, I also think therapy can be very helpful. Perhaps instead of a church counselor, you could find your own therapist
[[HUG]], too.
ReplyDelete... and if you want a real one, you're always welcome in our home. Our monthly moho party is this Saturday, but if you'd be uncomfortable coming to something where there'll be a lot of people, we'd love to have you over for dinner or something.
Feel free to email any time.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. I hope everything goes well for you. I know there are a lot of horror stories out there, especially about LDS Family Services, but my experience was a very good one.
I saw three different therapists over a period of two years, including one at LDS Family Services. They were all extremely positive experiences. Nobody pushed me to do anything I didn't want, and my scheduled visits to LDSFS resulted in making a long friendship out of an old and completely unexpected acquaintance. The therapist was 100% upfront with me about the most common results, and more often than not, we had some great spiritual conversations. It was a wonderful experience, when I was a very scared 18 year old kid in serious need of support-and that's what I got.
That's just one experience, but hopefully it will ease your nerves if you do decide to take up the bishop on his suggestion.
Andy, I'll be blunt. Even awesome bishops aren't omniscient and can make mistakes. Meet with Scott before you pursue any therapy, he's very wise and can give you another perspective. Crawl out of your shell and start coming to the MoHo parties, they'll do you a world of good. Talk with LOTS of others about therapy they've done. Stay away from Jeff Robinson and Dean Byrd, they are agenda-driven snake oil selling charlatans without professional credibility except amongst the Evergreen crowd. Read the APA's recent statement about "change therapy."
ReplyDeleteYou aren't broken, you don't need fixing. Maybe a therapist can help you navigate the issues of dealing with homophobia and prejudice. But it's your decision whether you even need or want that.
One more hug, from the northwest.
ReplyDeleteSo I did 3 sessions of therapy. My therapist was one of the high councilors in our stake and has all of the required BYU diplomas plastered on his wall. I was nervous to say the least. I think I made one mistake. The first session we spent the entire time talking about what I really wanted out of therapy. I had no idea. I had gone in thinking that he would know what to do and which direction to go. I had no idea that he would ask me. So I stumbled around and spit out some things that I thought I wanted at the time. Once we got to the third session I realized that the path we had been going wasn't what I wanted and that at $90 a session I didn't want to keep going that direction, so I quit.
Moral of my story. Since you have promised to go to one session. Go in with a clear understanding, write it down if you need too, of what you want out of the sessions, ie. self acceptance or how to communicate your feelings with others better. Whatever it is, make sure it is clear in your mind and it is clear to your therapist. If he/she is at all ethical they will do the best they can to help you achieve your desires. If they aren't so ethical then you will see a clear divergence from what you want and what they are forcing upon you.
Good luck
Chris
Who are you going to see? I dealt with a number of counselors, but only through BYU, not through the Church. If your Bishop will let you go to counseling center at the WILK, I know more than a handful of people who are 100% okay with gay people, especially those who are comfortable with themselves and don't think they have anything to change.
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid. Some counselors are awful, yes, but I think most will let you take things at your own pace if you decide to see one, and I think they know that it's no good pushing you towards something you don't even desire.
ReplyDeleteCouple of thoughts, unrequested though they may be:
1. Be honest. If you don't want something, let them know you don't. Don't lead them on.
2. Be open. If you decide to go ahead with it, be open to whatever you may be able to improve in your life. And know that even your desires may change. They may not, too, but they may.
3. Be strong. Don't let despair or fear propel you into something hasty, like messing with a girl's heart or letting your guard down with a guy who'll take advantage of you. I've seen too many people make drastic decisions when the rubber hits the road.
I think it's understandable and natural for you to be so upset. I think the reality of some things is probably hitting you, and you have some soul-searching and tough decisions to make, e.g. what you mean by wanting "intimacy" with men and what kind of companionship is right for you and your beliefs.
Don't buy into the false dichotomy that you either must be true to your heart and be with a man or you must be true to the truth and be with a woman or live alone and miserable. It's crap. Both sides. Crap. :-)
You guys are just great, just great! I love you all! All of your comments have instilled within me a filing of love and hope. I am a man who is true to my word; I will go at least once. I promised that to my bishop, so I will have to go.
ReplyDeleteThe counselor is Jeffery Robinson, whom I googled the other day. His name brought up a lot of hits, some which were all about change and this being just a small challenge and blah blah blah.
But, my bishop did give me some relief. He told Mr. Robinson that I did not want to change and that I was leading a "full, happy life", which, for the most part, is undeniably true.
So, I will go. Of course, I won't leave anyone hanging in the dark and I will let you guys know when it is and what the outcome will be.
God bless blogging, for I know I have brothers who I can count on.
Love you all!
I think you are going into it with the right attitude. Be open minded, but make sure you know what you want, and don't be pushed around.
ReplyDeleteI have a question though. If your Bishop told Mr Robinson that you don't want to change, and that you are "leading a full and happy life", why on earth would he suggest seeing a therapist, especially someone like Mr Robinson? I am a bit confused as to the motives coming from your bishop. Did you ask him why he wanted you to go?
Chris
PS. Please keep us updated on how things go.
ALARM ALARM ALARM
ReplyDeleteAndy, Robinson is one of the people Bruce Hafen quoted in his infamous speech at the Evergreen Conference as an "authority" for changing orientation. Persuading people to do that is what keeps Robinson's business going. Going to him for any sort of change therapy when you have no intention of changing is worse than useless; you are exposing yourself to someone who might still try to pressure you or guilt you into changing your mind because he has a financial interest in getting you to do so.
If you think you MUST keep this promise to your bishop (and FWIW I think it was a foolish promise to make), then for heaven's sake see some other therapist who doesn't have a track record of contradicting all professional opinion and organizations that he ought to respect, and of charging vulnerable young men like you premium prices to perpetuate their misery.
And if you MUST see him, before you go read this:
http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2009/02/danger-jeff-robinson.html