I've decided to stop focusing on myself. I've decided to stop being such a selfish person. I've decided to stop worrying about what others think to please myself. I've decided to be who I am as a son of God; strong, proud, capable, worthy, gay.
Who I am attracted to shouldn't define who I am. Even though I would rather spend a movie night snuggled up on the couch with a man, that doesn't change me as a person. I am no less a child of God than you are. We are all the same. We belong to the same family. We all have the same Father, who loves and cares for us equally. There is no distinction. (see 2 Nephi 26).
A wise friend of mine said,
"When we are solely focused on ourselves and our own pursuit of happiness, our most valuable relations with those that are vitally important to us diminish. The Creator, our parents and siblings, our confidants, and our own hearts. These are the relationships that become distant and withered when our focus is on ourselves" (R. Stahl).
How true that statement is.
The past few days I have only been thinking about myself. I have thought, "What am I going to do with my life? What will I do next? Why am I not liked? Why do I feel this way?" I now realize that one way to help direct my negative thoughts away from myself is to focus on others.
To be 100% honest, my last post scares me. It terrifies me. After writing that, I felt sick. I felt nasty inside. I wish I could describe the feelings I had. All I can say is that it did not feel good. I felt like I was writing a lie.
I don't know what this means. I have decided to stop thinking about it and just continue. If the chance arises for me to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, we will see how it goes. I am too young to decide right now. I cannot make an educated decision.
The future scares me. But as I focus my thoughts and actions on doing good for others, I think everything will start to come back into focus; for it sure hasn't been clear the last few days.
I'm glad to read this, Andy. Your heart and gut are telling you the truth about your last post. Glad you have learned and grown. I think your approach right now is spot on.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I was slightly concerned about your last post--your decision to try to marry a girl came across as slightly impulsive.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't feel right about the post as you wrote it (or since), I think that's evidence that you need to give it more thought. I'm not saying it's the wrong decision, but obviously some part of you is rebelling against it, and I believe you need to make sure you're 100% on board before you even try to get another person (a girl) involved in the matter.
I'm always a little nervous about gay guys who go about specifically trying to find a girl to marry, because I think their drive to reach that goal may encourage them to jump in before they're ready--an approach that may often work in a straight marriage, but which has a greatly reduced chance of success in a MOM.
The better approach (IMO) is to accept as equal possibilities a single life or a MOM (or a gay relationship, if that fits within your view of what's acceptable) and to pursue none of them, understanding that you might someday discover that you love a girl enough that you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with her. Then marriage becomes an option, and can be considered (and discussed with her) with a (hopefully) much improved chance of success.
It sounds like this is the approach you've decided to take, and I applaud you for that. Best of luck! Feel free to email me if you ever need someone to talk to.
Your last post actually made me happy. Not because I think you should rush into marrying some girl but because you saw that you are focusing to much concentration on the things that you don't like about the church instead of the things that are right and good with the church.
ReplyDeleteStop taking internet advice.
A wise friend once told me:
"Take it to Father and whatever you choose I will be happy because that is the kindof person I am." (A. Foree) I would like you to apply this into your own life. I want you to go to Father. Whatever you choose your family and friends will still love you. And you will be happy, because that is the kindof person you are.