After a series of unfortunate events, I have been forced to resign from my summer job and find a new walk of life. It has made be think of what I am doing with myself right now and what I want in the future. So, what do I really want? I mean, really?
If it wasn't for the whole "being gay" thing, I think my life could be slightly easier. Also, if I wasn't a member of the LDS faith, I think my life would be easier. Like I have stated previously: I love this church. I love this faith. I love knowing that I am a child of God, my Heavenly Father, who loves and cares for me. But, life would be easier if I didn't know. If I didn't know about the joys of eternal marriage, something that might never happen to me, I think I would be a bit more happy with my life. I want things that I know, according to my faith, will not allow.
I want a man who will love and care for me. I want a man to hold me when I cry. I want a man to kiss me softly and tell me he loves me. I want to experience the tingling sensation of a first kiss, or holding hands, or skipping out on school just to hang out with your lover. I really want that. Can I have it?
I want to help others. I want to be a good person. I want to have people like me for me. I want to change peoples lives through the wonderful talents that the Lord God has blessed me with. But at times, I feel as if because I am gay, the Lord takes those opportunities away...or...at least...hinders me from getting them.
Sometimes, I feel because I want a boyfriend, even prayed for one; God takes away his blessings. Is that wrong to think that? Am I even making any sense?
It's no matter. I mean, I guess I have to do the things that I want to do and be who I want to be. I want others to understand that as well. I want to be happy.
I can do it.
Nothing in your heart surprises God, Andy. He knows it all already. Like Huck Finn said, "you can't pray a lie." So might as well pray for what you want, God knows what you want anyway. I could have written SO much of this post too, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteMy personal opinion is that if we live so as to follow the two great commandments, all else will be ancillary. Again, personally, I don't see any conflict between those two commandments and wanting what you want, or what I want too. I'm going to stick to living gospel principles as I seek it out, but I don't see any conflict there. I believe that if our hearts truly desire what is good and true, God will in his own time give it to us.
Yup, you're not alone in this by any means.
ReplyDeleteThese longings are the exact same I have.