Oil and Water

How much does God want to see me succeed in this life? What does he want from me? Do I even care if I know that or not? If God was really looking out for me, then why the Hell am I gay and why the Hell am I Mormon? These are the two worst things that could possibly be put together. 

I know that God exists. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and through His blood, I can be washed clean. I know this. I know this. I have felt the healing power of Christ in my life. Dozens of times. 

This knowledge of God, Jesus, and the afterlife have all subsequently kept me from getting into the “nitty-gritty” of being gay. Sure. I’ve kissed a boy. Sure. I’ve gotten drunk once. Why haven’t I gone any further? 

Because, deep down, I feel that this is not what God wants me to do. I know that this is not what God wants me to do. 

Crap. Here I go again. Trying to reconcile my faith and my homosexuality. Geez. Well, it really doesn’t work, I can tell you that much. Being gay and being a devout member of any religion is like oil and water. Especially with the Mormon church. Which, I’ll have you know, is what I believe to be correct. 

So, what do I do now? I want to have my own children. I want to be a father, a daddy. I want to have a family with a wife. I do want these things. 

Do I leave the gay culture behind? What do I do? Do I still support them? 

Seriously. Being gay and Mormon sucks. Big time.

Lack of posting...

Yup. I've been busy.

But seriously guys--and gals, posting on a blog is a lot of work these days. That's why I've got a tumblr.

You should all follow me. Why? Well...I post there way more often than here. 

Just sayin'...

Problems with Religion

Day 6 - Did you face any problems regarding religion?


What? Seriously? This is a question for the LGBT 30-day Challenge? OF COURSE I DID...I mean, do. 


Every single day, I think about being gay and being Mormon, or Agnostic, or whatever it is that I am now. I'm not sure. 


However, for the most part of my young life, when I finally found out and understood what being "gay" meant, I was tormented with the thought of losing the love from my parents, losing friends, and expecting the Church to excommunicate me at any moment...not because I was doing anything "contrary" to its teachings, but simply because I was so different. 


Of course, it really didn't pan out like that, it was a little more "easier", I guess. As time goes on, and the older I get, I realize and understand that religion helps people deal with the hardships that life naturally brings us. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there so much sorrow in this world? What can bring me happiness? Religious people...even Agnostics...find some sense of comfort by adhering to certain morals created by Westernized cultures and societies. 


Anyway, my point is...I've had problems with religion. Yes. But, the problems are slowly starting to fade away as I adopt a more...level-heading way of thinking and life. 


Andy 

How Being Gay Made me Fat

Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

Although my inner turmoil did not escalate to self-injury...wait. No. It has. Do you know what it has done for me? It has made me become addicted to food. Let me see if I can explain myself better.

In the Church, we are taught that if we do what's right, become perfect, eventually, we will become like God and live forever in His presence throughout eternity with our families.

I've wanted that, and living in the church has made me never want to do anything "wrong" so I could live with my family.

I knew that if I turned to food, it would (1) help me feel better and (2) create a physical, protective layer of fat to keep me from having sex with a man.

So yes, this inner turmoil has led to self injury. I was addicted to food. I gained a lot of weight because of it. I turned to food to comfort me, and to protect me from sin.

I am trying to turn away from food as a source of comfort. I am trying to turn to friends, or exercise, or something else that isn't harmful to bring me comfort.

I could go on, for pages and pages, about the inner turmoil. However, I think this will suffice.

What has the inner turmoil done to you? 

Who I Came out to First

Day 4:

Who did you come out to first? Tell that story. 


The first person I came out to was my cousin, Bryce. Every summer, my mom took my older sister and I up to Utah to spend the vacation with my aunt and our cousins. Bryce and I were basically brothers.

When I was about 16 years old, I remember chatting with him on MSN Messenger. After a few hours of beating around the bush, I told him that I was gay.

He responded, "So, what? You're still the same person you were. It doesn't bother me."

That simple response helped give me the courage to come out to my other cousins, my best friends, and then to my mom and dad when I was 17 years old.

When I Knew what "GAY" Meant

Day 3: How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I knew I was different at around age 5. I didn't know, however, that those feelings were immoral or unnatural until I was about 12 years old. I was in the 6th Grade, and one of my good friends, Reed, was telling me a story of how he caught his older brother...ahem...you know...flogging aunt Molly...in his bedroom.

I remember having those twinging feelings of excitement again, and I asked my friend. "How big was he?"

Reed turned to me and said, "Gross. What do you think I am, gay?"

The other guys at the lunchroom table started laughing.

I played it off. "I was just kidding."

I knew then, that being "gay" or, being excited about other boys, was something to be laughed at. From then on, I kept my "gay" comments to myself.

How could I *not* have known?

Day 2 of the LGBTQ Challenge:

Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

As many of you may already know, I knew as early as 5 years old. My parents had given me a Ken Barbie doll for Christmas. It was a harmless decision, but one that I treasured for years. At night, I would hide Ken underneath my pillow, and, after my mom--or dad--had tucked me in, I would take Ken out and slowly undress him, and kiss his body. Even at that young age, I knew that I was different. I didn't know that I was gay, but I knew that I liked to be around men.

That was my earliest "gay" memory.

Oh, and dancing around the porch in a dress, with the Ruby Slippers and Glinda's wand.